Friday, July 2, 2010
"I didn't sleep at all last night...tossing and turning. I turn on the light and then while it's burning..." Bobby Lewis, 1962
Good morning, everyone. Seems like lately, all these old lyrics are popping up in my head. Wonder what it means. Well, last night I had a pretty rough night of it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't sleep for any length of time. I'd doze anywhere from a few minutes to 30 minutes and then be awake again, tossing and turning. And it all seemed to be stemming from my dreams...all having to do with my job...and the central figure in each dream was my supervisor. Gosh, even on vacation, I can't seem to let it go.
Letting go. Letting go is one of the hardest lessons we have to learn, and in life, we will have to let go of situations, persons, things, and memories. It is so easy to form an attachment to people or things and can be a very painful experience when you realize it is time to let go. And, I have been fighting it...however, there comes the time when you or the other person has changed to the extent that it is necessary to let go of the relationship or the friendship. When I thought about it this morning, I realized that that's what the dreams were trying to tell me...that it is time to let go...not so much of the job...but of relationships that are no longer friendships...that, indeed, have gone from that of co-worker to superviser...relationships that can return to what they once were...no matter how much I may try to hang on and not let go.
It was about seven years ago when I began working with Jane (name is changed). At that time, we were both counselors working side by side, and we fast became friends; we had such a great time together. On our lunch hours, we would play computer games to see who would get the highest score, go shopping, or just go sit in the park and talk about nothing specific. For me, this was especially meaningful for I am quite the loner...and ironically, so is she. I enjoy being with myself, and it takes a lot for me to open up and allow others into my life. I've always been a loner and sadly, have had few friends in my life. I've had many acquaintances, but that's not the same as have a true friend. I guess I have just been hurt too many times by people I trusted and allowed in. We needed each other at this time in our lives.
Moving forward...I left that job and began working where I am now. Jane continued working at the old job and went back to school for her social work degree. We drifted apart. Oh, we kept in contact on occasion, but not enough to keep a friendship going. Then, three years later, I learn that she obtained her degree and would be coming to work with us...as my supervisor.
I don't know what made me think that things would immediately go back to the way they once were; that is so unrealistic. After all, not only have several years passed, but so has our situations. As human beings, we remain as equals; as workers, our titles have changed. She is the boss, and I am the employee. and as the boss, she will continue to give me paperwork back to do silly, minor adjustments...such as a check mark here or there, something she very well could have checked off for me rather than giving it back as redo...or the constant influx of intakes I find in my box. Or, when she goes over my work with a magnifying glass...almost as if hoping to find a flaw. (She forgets that it was I who taught her how to do most of these things.)
"Letting go does not mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be."--Anonymous
See!!!! Gosh, just writing about it tightens my stomach in a knot of stress. So, as I see it, the dreams were telling me it is time to let go of something that isn't there anymore. By doing so, I can alleviate a lot of added stress, the stress of wondering why my FRIEND would give me all this extra work to do, why my FRIEND will be so extra picky in the things I do, yet let others get away with things I would NEVER think of doing. Perhaps she is just as uncomfortable in this situation as I have been. Perhaps she is this way because this is her first management job. I don't know. All I do know is this...if I stop thinking of her as a friend...and put our positions in proper prospective, I am sure I will alleviate that stress that comes from "Why would she do this to me? She is my friend?"
Reading back over this post , I realize it might have come off as a bit selfish on my part...but really, I wasn't expecting any special treatment; I was just not looking at the circumstances as they really are. Sometimes it is just so hard for me to move on. It is time to move forward, to let go of what is no longer there, and to be more at peace with myself.
Is there someone or something that you are having difficulty letting go of?