Thursday, July 30, 2015

Coming Back and Healing

Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself
alone, and so they don't find themselves at all.

Rollo May
Man's Search For Himself

Good morning everyone.  I want to thank those who reached out with their condolences.  So much appreciated to know that there are people who care.   I'm going to be honest.  It took me awhile to decide whether or not I wanted to come back.  I've never been one to complain about the lack of comments.  It never bothered me.  But, at a time when one is going through a great emotional turmoil and loss, a simple "I'm sorry" means the world when one is feeling so down.   Yet, despite hundreds of people who viewed my blog, and some even stopped following,  only a handful reached out with their support and to them I am so grateful.  I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me.  Sorry, to all.  I had to put this out there.  I was really, really hurt.

Now, with that being said, it has been a very emotional time for me.  So many ups and downs.  One moment I am feeling at peace and the next I am broken down in tears.  I feel at peace because I had forgiven and will not carry resentments the rest of my life.  Tears come when I realize that we never did have and never will have the reconciliation I have hoped for for so many years.  But, even in the midst of sorrow, love is there. 

This old book doesn't look like much; in fact, it doesn't even look like a book.  But it contains the story of my life.  My daughter sent it to me.  She thought that I should have it.  My mom kept it all these years.  It is the story of my life from the time I was a baby until my teen age years.  It contains pictures of me, of family long forgotten, of happier times before it all went wrong. My mom really did love me.

How did we go from this smiling loving family to the dysfunction that tore us apart.  Or, was it always there?  Are the pictures nothing more than a facade?  I have to believe not.  I have to believe there was a time that we all loved each other.  A time before the affair and my dad's alcoholism. A time when I had parents to take care of me, to love me, to make their only child the center of their world.

This album has begun awakening memories in me.  Things that had been stuffed deep into my subconscious are now coming to the surface.  Perhaps this is what I needed all along to heal.  Perhaps now I will finally be able to find myself.

Back to regular blogging on Monday.   Have a wonderful weekend.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

My Mom Passed Quietly

My mom passed last night. My heart is broken that we never had a chance to make amends.  I always held that dream.  I tried so hard, but she always turned away from me, told me once that I was dead. I forgave, though, a long, long time ago.  I hope she knows how much I love her. I wish we could have found a way to put aside our differences, but she never could forgive.  I love you, mom.  I always will. May your journey peaceful.  You will forever be in my heart.

Thanks for all your support.
We looked so much alike as I got older.  

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins

Friday, July 3, 2015

Taking Some Time Off

Received word last night that my mom's health has deteriorated drastically, and she is now in hospice care.  It shouldn't be long now.  My heart is broken.  As you know, my mom and I did not have a good relationship, but I'd always held out hope of a reconciliation.  Now I know that that will never happen.  I wanted to feel her arms around me, just once in my life. She does not want to see me, and I have to respect her wishes.  I want her to have peace in her last hours, and if seeing me will cause her any kind of pain, then so be it.  I have forgiven, and she is in my heart.  I love you mom, and I always will.  One day we will meet again.

Hence, I will be taking some time away from blogging.  Need some time to process all that is going on.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Thursday Photos

While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many.

Lady Bird Johnson

I love where I live. After the 15 years of living in a home where, now that I look at it, I was NEVER 'really' happy, I feel blessed to be in a place now where I can enjoy people because they actually 'SPEAK' to me and not glare at me as if I came from outer space. I love having a bus that stops in front of my house that with a transfer will take me anyplace I want to go in Brooklyn, and so much available shopping that deciding which direction to walk to buy some fruit becomes a major decision.

With that being said, here are a few photos of my neighborhood.

This is a house on my block.  I love seeing these flowers as I walk past.

This church is a couple of doors down from my building.  Love the view of the spire up above the trees.
This is 8th Avenue, a small section of Brooklyn's 'Little Chinatown'.  See the store on the corner?  I remember being on the bus and thinking, "Oh, goodie.  A candy store right on the corner."  Then I discovered that there was no candy to be found in the store.  It's filled with trinkets.  I still love going in there.  Love their little wish bottles.
And finally, a picture I took of my building.
Have a good one.