Full Moon Ramblings

Look how the pale Queen of the silent night

doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,

and he, as long as she is in sight,

with his full tide is ready here to honor;

But when the silver waggon of the Moon

is mounted up so high he cannot follow,

the sea calls home his crystal waves to morn,

and with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.

So you that are sovereign of my heart

have all my joys attending on your will,

when you return, their tide my heart doth fill.

So as you come and as you depart,

joys ebb and flow within my tender heart

by Charles Best 

It is in the stillness of the night, July 2nd, that I begin this. So many thoughts racing through my head. I can't seem to catch up to them. The doctor's visit went well. I liked her. I left with a handful of prescriptions that are supposed to make me feel better.  I feel good that I am finally taking a pro-active interest in my health, I really do, but I can't help but to sit here tonight wondering, where has it all gone--the summer of my youth--and why has it passed so quickly?  When we are young, we feel invincible. Whatever aches and pains we have are brought on by self...lifting something too heavy, strenuous exercise.  We suffer for awhile, and it goes away.  But, when we reach a certain age, the pain is there; it's just there. We get up in the morning, and it takes us some time to get ourselves going.  Rest no longer improves our situation; instead, we wake up achy and stiff, but we learn how to deal with it.

Sorry for sounding so melancholy. I'm really trying to remain upbeat.  I know that, no matter what may come, I am strong enough to beat it, yet, tonight I find myself not in very good space. The news today was good, but my hypochondria seems to be kicking in.   Perhaps it is because I have lived in denial for so long and have suddenly been forced to face my own mortality.  

Or perhaps maybe it is the effects of this powerful Full Moon in Capricorn that has stirred up my emotions.  While Full Moon is an emotional time,  this one looks to be a particularly intense Full Moon for all of us because it indicates a time to face our fears, to take action and come to terms with things. The Moon (our emotions) will also widely conjunct Pluto (destruction and creation). This signifies a time of making some significant changes, and in my case, what could be more important than making changes to improve my health? Indeed, my cat scan results were a reality check for me.

July 3, early morn
I met my new doctor yesterday, and I really liked her.  My blood pressure is still high, but slowly coming down.  She put me a second blood pressure medication, Hydrochlorothiazide.  I  understand I'll be heading for the bathroom a bit more often. I'm going to be scheduled for a mammogram and complete bloodwork. My thyroid is enlarged but the lymph nodes are fine.  She also called in a lung specialist who put me a bit at ease.   In his opinion, the lesion is far too perfectly formed to be malignant.  I broke down in tears when he told me. Will know for sure once I have a Pet Scan next week.  It was good news, yes, but I am still not out of the woods.  I breathe a sigh of relief once the test is over.

I've made so many mistakes in my life, especially regarding my health.  It's always been, "It will never happen to me" so I became invincible...or so I thought I was. What made me think I was something special?  But, thank goodness, we do get second chances. This time I am not going to blow it.  Thanks for listening to an old rambler. I have been blessed,my friends, I really have. Today, there are  so many wonderful people in my life. I love you all.

“If you have made mistakes…there is always another chance for you…you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘Failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.”

– Mary Pickford -