Dreams

I wake each morning with the thrill of expectation

and the joy of being alive. And I'm thankful for this day.

Angela L. Wozniak

 

Yesterday I'd mentioned I had a dream about my mom, but before I begin, I'd like to give you an update on the fiasco at the lab yesterday. It seems that the bright people at the insurance company approved me for an MRI of the lumbar region.  How they got that out of orders for a Pet Scan of the lungs I will never know.  Today, I have to call and find out exactly who these 'members' are who will be calling me. You'd think they'd try to rectify THEIR mistake as soon as possible, but we all know better than that.

Have you ever dreamed of a love one who has passed on?  I've had many, but the dream I had the other night was perhaps one of the most wonderful dreams.  As you all know, I've been under a great deal of worry and stress about my health, so finding myself back in the home of my youth, with the pets I loved, brought me back to a time before cares and worries became a part of my life, that time of my youth when life was so carefree.  And then my mom showed up, but she wasn't the warring figure that I remembered.

My mom and I never had that close bond that mothers and daughters have. Sometimes I wondered why she even bothered to bear me. Her words to me were cruel and targeted to beat me down.  What I remember most though was how she was never there for me. She'd work all day, come home for dinner, and back out,leaving me in the care of my dad who spent his evenings nursing his six-pack in the bedroom, and not returning until I was fast asleep. I used to wonder how she could spend more time with that other child than with her daughter, and then, as I got a little older I discovered it wasn't a child after all.

When I got older, I left home, first to live with a friend and eventually there came to move to the city.  Mom and I chatted on the phone, but it was obvious she liked my being gone, and for many years, I was glad to be gone.  But, there comes a time in every woman's life when they begin missing their 'mommy', and many a night I found myself crying for her, but it was too late for she was gone.  We'd let far too much time go by without saying we were sorry to each other, and now we would never have the chance, until....

....until she came to me in my dream.  And I was able to put my arms around her and say I was sorry and I wanted to come home.  "Not now", she said.  "It's not time".  And as we stood there, holding each other, she and everything around her faded away...and I woke. I tried hard to go back to the dream, but I realize that I had been given a great gift, the joy of knowing that my mom really is watching over me. 

So, no matter what may come my way in the future, I know I can deal with it.  Whatever its meaning, I don't know.  All I can say is it gave me the gift of hope.

I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before

how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way,

and that so many things that one goes around worrying about

are of no importance whatsoever.

Isak Dinesen