Monday, May 17, 2010

Letting Go

Good morning.  Can't believe it's Monday already, but I am sitting here at the job so it must be.  Gosh, I used to love blowing on these little weeds when I was a kid.  Used to hunt them down all over the yard. There were lots of little things that we kids found amusing.  Remember putting the buttercup to your chin, and if your chin looked yellow, it meant something...but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

I've been wrestling with something this entire weekend...should I or should I not let go.  Most of you know I stopped smoking a little over 10 months ago...July 4th to be exact...and, no, I'm not thinking of letting go of my quit.  I'm thinking of letting go of the group that helped me least for the time being.  Maybe I should explain.

In March of 2009, hubby caught a cold and had trouble breathing.  I took him to the hospital and we discovered he had emphysema.  He was having such trouble breathing that the hospital kept him to get him stabilized.  He quit smoking that day.  I made the decision to quit, went home, joined a Yahoo support group, and quit...but only lasted a day and a half that time.  But, even though I was smoking again, I didn't leave the group.  I kept reading, but didn't post.  Didn't think it was appropriate to post if I wasn't ready to stop.

So, I smoked until July and on Independence Day, and finally called it quits.  I started posting again to the group and found so much support.  There were several people whose quit dates were close to mine, and we all supported each other.  And also, there were those with time under their belts, and they were especially supportive and helpful with suggestions and feedback. We all got along well.  We all responded to each others' posts...those of us who were new and those who had been around for awhile.  The group was so close knit, and I loved having a place to go.

I'm sorry to say that out of all the members whose quit dates were close to mine, I'm the only one who made it.  Not sorry that I made it, but sorry the others are still out there smoking.  I know I couldn't have done this without the support of everyone on the group...and I mean everyone.  I was thankful to everyone who responded and let them know how much I appreciated them.  They literally saved my life.

Okay, now this story is getting too long.  The gist of it is that now that I am an 'oldtimer', I've stuck around to give back what was given to me. But, lately, it's been getting kind of stressful.  Some bad feelings have been kicking in, and I wonder if it's not time to let go.  To put it bluntly, I am  beginning to feel I am talking to myself on the group.  The newcomers don't respond to my posts...I don't even know if they are reading them. It's like I don't exist.  I am totally ignored.  I know it might sound silly, but I'm feeling very frustrated and hurt over this.  Everyone likes some kind of attention...even if it is just a thank you.  They talk to each other, but ignore whatever I write.  For example, a newcomer with two days clean posted that she was having some real heavy cravings and needed help.  Well,  I immediately wrote her with some suggestions that had helped me through the rough times.  She never responded to me.  Then, I see where she has responded to someone else's post..."I'm so glad to hear from you.  I value your input."  Well, the person who's input she values had one week clean...for about the umpteenth time.  And it's over and over like this.  It's not just one person, it's all them.

I'm thinking of backing off. It's kicking up those old feelings of low self-esteem.   I've noticed that several others have backed off already.  Maybe it's time for me to do the same.  It hurts because I wanted so badly to help, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped by you.  All weekend I have been thinking of letting go, but went back last night hoping for a different result. A newbie had posted her introduction, and  I was the first to jump on the bandwagon and welcome her.  Well, this morning I see she responded to a couple people, but ignored my welcome.  I think it's time to let it go. You can't help those who don't want your help.  Need some advice.

Let Go

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that 
I must not control another.

To 'let go' is not to fix'
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle
arranging all the outcomes
but to allow others to effect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past;
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less
and love more.

--Author Unknown--  


  1. Good Monday morning Mary... Hope you week is a good one... Love the poem...

  2. Mary I really don't think it is personal. I have "let go" of many groups. Listen to your inner self, if it is telling you that what was once a life saver is now toxic, then let go. You don't need our advice, you already know the answer. Wishing you a week of fun!


  3. Nowhere in your post does it say that YOU still feel the need for the group's support in order to remain a non-smoker. If that's the case, then let it go. The group has served its purpose for you, in my opinion.

    I think the yellow buttercup reflection under the chin just means that you like butter! That's what I hazily recall from my childhood, anyway!

  4. Me thinks your gut feeling is telling you to leave this group. I hope you do...

    I know you are a helper. But we need to "help ourselves first," imho. Doing something that's grating on our own person, is not a way of "helping others."

  5. It is time to let go!!
    And i'm very sorry you are experiencing this.

  6. I've never seen that poem about 'let go'. I think it's time to let go of the group. The people I've met on my blog are the most sincere that I've dealt with on the internet. A lot of internet groups can be pretty shallow. When your not face to face some people tend to be dishonest and fabricate reality. X.

  7. I believe you already gave everyone who helped there is a new set of people and they are not the same...the others were there for you and you were there for them...Everything changes...

  8. Good Morning Mary! I have something on my blog for you. Wishing you a fun filled day.