Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My Inner Child Has Spoken to Me

Good afternoon, my lovely blog friends.  Tis a grand day, indeed!  Going up close to 90 degrees today...a little too soon for summer if you ask me, but it is better than all of that snow and ice we had not too long ago.  Something happened yesterday that made me realize that as strong as we think ourselves to be, that hurt little child still resides within us.  I'd spent years battling my demons and facing my shadow and thought I had finally gotten it all together, but all it takes is one little thing..something so insignificant that I even hesitated on sharing it with catch a glimpse of that wounded little girl I once was.  

You, my blog friends, are so very, very special to me. I am so lucky to have you all.  I look forward to visiting you and have you visit me every day.  So, hopefully you will not think me too silly.  Someone left my blog yesterday...not just one blog...four blogs were minus one member...and immediately my inner child began telling me "They don't like you."  See, didn't I tell  you it was silly?   I'm blessed to have so many of you wonderful people in my life, so why should something like that make the tears well in my eyes?  It actually had nothing to do with one person leaving my blog. It was the feelings it brought up of that little girl who wanted so desperately to fit in. 

"Life is an eternal dance.  The movements of the dance are choreographed through your awareness.  Every movement is part of the dance; therefore, every space time even is necessary and meaningful .  It is the order within the chaos."--Deepak Chopra

Now, most of you who have been following me know, I was one of the original latchkey kids.  Back in the 50's it was almost unheard of, but my parents both worked, so from a very young age I was coming home from school and facing an empty house.  But, it wasn't only after school; it was mornings, too.  They both had to head out to their respective jobs before I left for school, so mom would lay out my clothes and fix me a bowl of cereal, and then it was up to me to get myself ready and out the door.  Well, you all know how we little girls loved to play dress up; imagine playing dress up and going to school like that.  I'd go through my mom's costume jewelry and put one of her skirts on...all rolled up.  As I think back on it now, I can see why the kids all laughed at me.  I went to school looking like a clown.

Now, it wasn't always that way.  There was a time that I fit in...but that was before my cousin began attending our school.  Before then, the kids didn't know about my dad, but he came in and told everyone. That's when I became the 'different' kid, the one who's dad hang out in the bars at night...the one who's dad was arrested for disorderly conduct.  So, it was then that I became this desperate little girl who only wanted the other kids to like and accept her. The teasing stopped when I got to high school, but that was when the punishment began; I was constantly being grounded and not being allowed to participate in any school activities.  So, I began cutting classes...just to have some times with friends...only my choice of friends is another story altogether.

So, back to the present.  I don't what it was that triggered my reaction to that person yesterday.  To be honest, I don't even know who it was...and it definitely WAS silly to get upset over it. But it definitely not the 'adult' me who was upset...Actually, I don't even think my emotional reaction had anything to do with someone deciding to leave my blog. We all know that people come and go every day.  Some people are meant to remain in our lives; others are not. And, just as we have multiple people in our lives, we all have multiple aspects of self, and each aspect is an intricate aspect of our being. Unlike those individuals who come and go in our lives, we cannot be whole without all aspects of self.  The inner child remains with us for all our lives; the child is always in the adult. It is our emotional self.  It is where our feelings live.  Whenever we experience joy, sadness, fear, or affection it is our child within. It is an aspect of each of us that is child-like...spontaneous, playful, innocent. It is delicate, vulnerable, non-judgmental.  

Today I woke up and realized that I had forgotten about my inner child.  That 'fun' part of my life has been missing.  And although there has been so much joy around me, I have been too blind to see.  My inner child has been reaching out to me in many ways, but I have brushed her aside.  This was her way of reminding me that she is still there, that I should not forget about her...for wholeness comes from integrating all parts of self. Sadly, sometimes we need to face these painful moments in order to wake up and grow.

Thank you all for listening to my ramble.  Sometimes I just don't know when to stop.  



  1. Dearest Mary,
    I so understand how our inner child can resurface. Mine has done so from time to time..especially when vulnerability sets in. Most times however, I invite the silly one to come through...laughs usually ensue.
    I also have had "followers" leave my blog for one reason or another. Funny, I tend to pout for a minute or two..then I shrug and say "oh well." They were not to be.
    You are a dear, and your blogs are lovely places to visit. Don't worry, sometimes "others" are not the right fit for us and so they move on as they should. I shall stick around and keep you in my life...happily so.

  2. Oh Mary, what a wonderful post! I have certainly lost a follower or two and I have to say I felt the same. At first why? Then I thought so what? I do wonder why at times though, I have to admit. I didnt even know you could lose followers until it happened to me. I lost four at once too, its a bitter blow. To be honest I have grown quite a few followers and I get a average of 5 comments each time I post, so what does that tell you? Never worry Mary, I think your blog is wonderful, I loved the story of you going to school. I was in the same position as yourself in those ways and I looked a sight! Keep writing and your music is blissful! ((hugs))

  3. Mary, I'm sure there are people out there who follow your blogs without ever signing on as followers. Besides, you shouldn't take it personally. They may of had a legitament reason for dropping out. X.

  4. I don't have many, but I've lost some and gained's a weird feeling...and we never know why...that's the hardest part...

  5. i can understand the feeling too but who knows maybe they canceled their account who knows. I make the mistake sometimes of taking things personal and over thinking things, so i can emphasize .

  6. Some parts of this post felt so familiar that i could have written them. I felt like that not so long ago. It was just a stranger that told me i should lose weight. Then all those emotions i thought were behind me, all tha pain rushed back and all that work, meditation and self healing exercises seemed worthless.
    I begun crying again because my mom never accepted me and because she forced diets on me that a grown up should never do when i was 10.
    I saw the painful images that used to haunt me(me over the toilet, me crying before the mirror, me starving)again and again like a horrifying collage of self hate.
    A stranger told me i should lose weight and suddenly i was 10 again hiding the box of cookies under my bed.
    That little girl that noone protected. She was alone against the world. She is still alone against me. Goddess help her.

  7. oh Mary. I love you! your story is so similar to mine.. I was a latchkey kid too, with a violent alcoholic faterh... and I have this desperate need to be liked.. and when someone leaves my blog I feel the same. that is why I took it off the sidebar.. I can still see it on my dashboard but it is not on the blog itself.
    when someone leaves following my blog, I try to work out who it is and wonder what 'I' have 'done'.. and of course I have done nothing.. pfft to them I say..
    that is why I don't follow blogs anymore..I have my favourites which I visit regularly and that is if for me now.
    sending big hugs from your new kindred sister soul xo R
    so today, do something fun for that little girl.. blow bubbles.. watch butterflies.. find objects in the clouds xoxo

  8. ~mary you feeling childlike or not...something i think we can all relate first followers dropped were two at one time...and i had teh same sudden reaction...i have even had one follow then not and then follow then not then come back for a third time...i just think whew! what a crazy cycle...i think we all feel or question at first why but then shrug it off...we all have our friends that come back regularly so if we lose one here or there...well we can not always please everyone...nor will everyone find what we are saying important or meaningful...i guess thats the joy of blogging is our free will to choose...though it can be hurtful for a moment or are a blessing to all of us here and we all value your words and time put forth to share with us...release your inner child and yet behold the woman you are...beautiful just as you...only brightest blessings and l♥ve upon you always~

  9. I want to thank all of you for your kind words. I debated posting this today because I felt like such a big baby. People have left my blogs before, and I totally understand they might have joined and then found it was not what they were looking for...I don't know why this one struck me so. I have no idea who it was. Something struck a chord yesterday. Something set off my emotions.

  10. Sometimes it's just a matter of the 'last straw' that will set off something that normally would not bother...we've all been there...

  11. Mary firstly thank you for sharing, I think we can all say that we too have felt the same way at some point in our lives. I love visiting you daily and although i dont always comment i love reading each and every post :)

    'Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same'.
    (Flavia Weedn)

  12. Oh Mary sometimes people will leave for whatever reason. I really don't think it is anything personal. I truly enjoy your blog and the colors are fantastic.

    How is hubby's new job going? Any better for him?


  13. Here's a virtual *hug* from my inner child to yours! ;)

  14. Hi Mary, you remember a while back you posted the poem about "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime" perhaps the person who left your blog or blogs was just that, "someone in your life for a season." Even though I rarely leave a comment, I enjoy your blog and often things you say really "hit the spot" for me. Thank you.