Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My Inner Child Has Spoken to Me
Good afternoon, my lovely blog friends. Tis a grand day, indeed! Going up close to 90 degrees today...a little too soon for summer if you ask me, but it is better than all of that snow and ice we had not too long ago. Something happened yesterday that made me realize that as strong as we think ourselves to be, that hurt little child still resides within us. I'd spent years battling my demons and facing my shadow and thought I had finally gotten it all together, but all it takes is one little thing..something so insignificant that I even hesitated on sharing it with you...to catch a glimpse of that wounded little girl I once was.
You, my blog friends, are so very, very special to me. I am so lucky to have you all. I look forward to visiting you and have you visit me every day. So, hopefully you will not think me too silly. Someone left my blog yesterday...not just one blog...four blogs were minus one member...and immediately my inner child began telling me "They don't like you." See, didn't I tell you it was silly? I'm blessed to have so many of you wonderful people in my life, so why should something like that make the tears well in my eyes? It actually had nothing to do with one person leaving my blog. It was the feelings it brought up of that little girl who wanted so desperately to fit in.
"Life is an eternal dance. The movements of the dance are choreographed through your awareness. Every movement is part of the dance; therefore, every space time even is necessary and meaningful . It is the order within the chaos."--Deepak Chopra
Now, most of you who have been following me know, I was one of the original latchkey kids. Back in the 50's it was almost unheard of, but my parents both worked, so from a very young age I was coming home from school and facing an empty house. But, it wasn't only after school; it was mornings, too. They both had to head out to their respective jobs before I left for school, so mom would lay out my clothes and fix me a bowl of cereal, and then it was up to me to get myself ready and out the door. Well, you all know how we little girls loved to play dress up; imagine playing dress up and going to school like that. I'd go through my mom's costume jewelry and put one of her skirts on...all rolled up. As I think back on it now, I can see why the kids all laughed at me. I went to school looking like a clown.
Now, it wasn't always that way. There was a time that I fit in...but that was before my cousin began attending our school. Before then, the kids didn't know about my dad, but he came in and told everyone. That's when I became the 'different' kid, the one who's dad hang out in the bars at night...the one who's dad was arrested for disorderly conduct. So, it was then that I became this desperate little girl who only wanted the other kids to like and accept her. The teasing stopped when I got to high school, but that was when the punishment began; I was constantly being grounded and not being allowed to participate in any school activities. So, I began cutting classes...just to have some times with friends...only my choice of friends is another story altogether.
So, back to the present. I don't what it was that triggered my reaction to that person yesterday. To be honest, I don't even know who it was...and it definitely WAS silly to get upset over it. But it definitely not the 'adult' me who was upset...Actually, I don't even think my emotional reaction had anything to do with someone deciding to leave my blog. We all know that people come and go every day. Some people are meant to remain in our lives; others are not. And, just as we have multiple people in our lives, we all have multiple aspects of self, and each aspect is an intricate aspect of our being. Unlike those individuals who come and go in our lives, we cannot be whole without all aspects of self. The inner child remains with us for all our lives; the child is always in the adult. It is our emotional self. It is where our feelings live. Whenever we experience joy, sadness, fear, or affection it is our child within. It is an aspect of each of us that is child-like...spontaneous, playful, innocent. It is delicate, vulnerable, non-judgmental.
Today I woke up and realized that I had forgotten about my inner child. That 'fun' part of my life has been missing. And although there has been so much joy around me, I have been too blind to see. My inner child has been reaching out to me in many ways, but I have brushed her aside. This was her way of reminding me that she is still there, that I should not forget about her...for wholeness comes from integrating all parts of self. Sadly, sometimes we need to face these painful moments in order to wake up and grow.
Thank you all for listening to my ramble. Sometimes I just don't know when to stop.