Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Joy of Being

Good morning.  It's a very cool day here, feels almost like fall has returned.  Actually, what I am posting today was not what I originally planned, but it is something I really have to share.  Writing has always been very healing to me and to be honest, this blog has taken a turn from my original intention; it has now become a healing journal and through it, I have met some wonderful new friends...with many of us having so much in common.  

"Rejoice in the abundance of being able to awaken each morning and experience a new day.  Be glad to be alive, to be healthy, to have friends, to be creative, to be a living example of the joy of living."--Louise L. Hay

It is so sad that many do not feel this way, that many are so disheartened that they believe their only recourse is to take their own life.  Yesterday, I was on the subway heading home from work.  It had been such a busy day, and I was feeling blessed to have found a seat.  I was deeply engrossed in my book on Merlin when we pulled into one of the stations, and the train just sat there.  The doors didn't open.  The train across from us pulled in, and there were several people on my train who began complaining as the other train pulled out because they had missed their connection.  Everyone just wanted to get home.

Then, I glanced out onto the platform, and I saw a woman sitting on the bench, crying.  She was wild-eyed as she looked from one side to another.  I wondered why.  My imagination was now beginning to kick into high gear.  Did she lose someone?  A romantic partner?  A family member?  Perhaps a job.  What was the origin of this woman's tears.  Well, I was soon to find out for it was then that someone on the train said, "Hush, did you hear that?"  

The car fell into silence, and we all heard it.  No one was complaining anymore as we looked at each other, our faces masked in a shocked expression.  Someone was screaming out in pain....and they were under our car.  (The hair on my arms is bristling again).  Then, the conductor instructed us all to walk through the cars and exit through the rear.  My friends, I will NEVER forget those heart-wrenching screams.  We were then directed to clear the platform...that those of us who were headed toward Coney Island were to get on the next train pulling in across the platform, go one stop, and then take another train which was headed in the direction of my home. Once on the train, the tears began to flow.

I thought about how much I wanted to get out of here.  Too much going on around me...never knowing from one day to the next what was going to happen.  From what I understand, the man yesterday had gone onto the tracks himself...and had lain down flat when the train pulled in...which is why he survived.  But, there are people out there who push others onto the tracks.  "I want to get out of here", I kept repeating as the tears rolled down my cheeks.  But then, it hit me.  There is no way I can get out of here, and by dwelling on those thoughts, I only bring unhappiness to myself...for setting unreasonable goals sets one up for heartbreak.  

The truth is, this city will be my home for at least the next 5 years...It takes money to move...especially from one state to the next...and we just don't have it.  We also both have our jobs.  I'm 63, it's not so easy for me to go out and find a new one...especially in a whole new state.  And then hubby has his doctors.  He NEEDS to be here.  I NEED to be here.  Moving at this time is totally out of the question.  Bad things are going to happen wherever  you go.  That's the way of the world, the way of life.  So, as Louise Hay said, I'm going to concentrate on the joy of being alive, of being healthy, of having my the joy of being.  Thank you for letting me share.


  1. my dear friend, I am so sorry for your experience.... I can only imagine how it must have effected you.... You have a bold spirit however... It is so obvious through so many of your words before and your responses to life as it occurs.... Stay strong... blessings and warm hugs to you today..

  2. How awful...for awful to live with the despair that he must have awful to be there to hear his pain when his death was not instantaneous as he had hoped...Hopefully you can concentrate on the wonderful things that happen in the city each day and let this go...will not be easy to do...I feel for you...

  3. What an awful incident. Yet you gleaned an important lesson from it. Sometimes good comes from bad, doesn't it?

  4. sending love xoxo

    when I started to blog about 4 or 5 yrs ago.. it was just a fun thing.. then it became a journal of my soul journey.. I have grown so much since I started to blog - thanks to many comments & support from people like you and many others.
    surround yourself with angels and white light today and be gentle with yourself xoox
    [ps But then, it hit me. There is no way I can get out of here, and by dwelling on those thoughts, I only bring unhappiness to myself...for setting unreasonable goals sets one up for heartbreak. - a scorpio Full Moon revelation perhaps?

  5. So sorry Mary...And your words are so right. I've taken the step to move and start again, for different reasons, but still it's a move.
    There's a reason for it all too...for me to go and you to stay. Someday we'll know why. You're a strong lady and I know you'll do what you have to. Keep blogging, we're here for you...

  6. Oh Mary, I am sooo sorry. Five years seems like a long time, but it really isn't. I can see you living in the country, peaceful and quiet. Five years will be here before you know it. But for now, enjoy the city, enjoy your life.


  7. Oh my Dear... What to say, as a comment?

    You took horror and learned wisdom, from it. You need no comment, other than gentle hugs. Which I wish I could give you...

  8. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I can understand some of what you are going through from second hand experience. My friend is a train driver and has had some one use his train to end their lives. Also as my hubby works for a train company sometimes he has the unenviable task of clearing up after the suicides. Please do not bottle up any feelings over this. If you need to seek counselling as this could rear it's ugly head again in the future. You are doing the right thing by concentrating on the positives in life. Never forget that no matter how bad your life may seem at times it has never been as bad as that man's must have felt to him. This may seem strange thing to say but take this as another positive in your life.

    Love and hugs Gina xxx

  9. I had visited your Blog a couple of times before, enjoyed your thoughts but never left a comment, today however, I am compelled to say hello and become a friend. I can't even imagine how terrible your experience must have been, but I CAN relate totally to your wish of "I must get out of here." I live in an area I totally dislike. I long to live in a quiet, quaint little town, away from heavy traffic and too many people. I cringe each time they cut down a tree (happens more and more) I get almost physically ill by wishing another scenario so badly. Unfortunately, and just like you, I must wait. You will never know how much your advice to "accept and live" has helped me this morning. Thank you XX (sorry for the long message :0)