Monday, January 17, 2011

The Rainy Day

The day is cold and dark and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold and dark and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining:
Thy fate is the common fate of all:
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

--Henry W. Longfellow--

It was hard to get myself going this morning. I just did not want to come to work. The weather is dreadful, and it is so slippery. I was really afraid of falling, but cannot take off every storm we have....especially since they will not allow you to use your sick time for snowy days or the day after a holiday. Last week I was penalized for taking off...even though I REALLY was sick. If you don't bring a doctor's note, they make you use your personal or vacation time. Really now....Who is going to run to the doctor for a little tummy ache? It frustrates me because I am really one person they can depend on.
Oh yes, it was such a good day to just roll over and pull the covers over my head. The thought of leaving the warm comfort of my bed for the cold, wet day outdoors was almost too much to bear Actually, I have been having these days more often lately, and it's getting harder and harder to head out the door and come to work. Is it only THIS job, or am I just getting tired of working. True, there are some issues at work, my office mate's attitude, for one, which make it an uncomfortable place to be, but I will be 64 in March, and I have worked since I was 16. My goodness, that is a good many years to be working.
Back in mom's day, this was retirement age, and people WERE able to retire when they reached my age. Perhaps if I lived elsewhere, it might be possible, but not here in the city where everything keeps going up while income keeps going down. Here is an unbelievable fact for you When I went into the battered wives program twenty years ago, welfare was paying $215 a month rent for a single person. Today, they pay the same increase in all those years. Makes you shake your head and wonder.

Needless to say, it's been such an odd weekend for me. I was feeling so blue, and just couldn't seem to put my finger on it. Oh, it's gotten so easy to blame my job, and, yes, there are a lot of things there that make it an unhappy place to work, but without it, what would my life be like? It is definitely fun to be able to sleep as late and as often as I wish, but it is also far too easy for me to isolate myself from the world. After my shopping excursion on Saturday, I put on my jammies and did not leave the house until this morning. What if I didn't have to go to work anymore? What then?

I once sat and thought about how, in today's world of computers, one never has to leave the house if they choose not to. I imagined how great it would be to be able to live like that, only going outdoors in my backyard. But, truly, when you really think of it, how healthy would that be to never come into contact with real beings, never to have the joy of buying new clothes because you don't need them anymore. I think with the loneliness and isolation I would waste away. Would the sadness become overwhelming?

The soul would have
no rainbow
had the eye no tears.
 --John Vance Cheney--
Fortunately I have been able to pull myself out of it.  Yesterday a dear friend shared a video on her blog in honor of MLK,  and before it was over, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.  Even after it was over, I could not stop them from flowing. The song alone evoked so many memories.  I used to cry all the time, but I realized yesterday that it has been a long time since I really shed real tears.  For the life of me, I don't even know where the sadness came from. Perhaps it wasn't even sadness; it could have been burnout, or, quite possibly, could have been related to other work-related stuff such as taking a personal day away from me for missing the snowstorm day...even though there was NO way to get there.  As someone who never takes off work, that really, really hurt.

All too often society gives a message that we always need to have a smile on our face.  This forces us to hide our pain and never really heal.There is no shame in crying just as there is no shame in not being okay.  We all have those days when we are not up to par emotionally and spiritually, and these feelings are very real.   I view tears as a sign of strength, not one of weakness.  Hope and healing reside behind those tears for it is only when 
we  embrace the truth of our own need to heal areas of our life that we open our heart to the power of healing

 Sadness is related to the opening of your heart.
If you allow yourself to feel sad, especially if you can cry,
you will find that your heart opens wider
and you can feel more love and more joy.

--Shakti Gawain--


  1. a good cry is quite healthy I think... Clears the soul. You have been on my mind so much as of late...If I ever hit the lottery get ready.. You are one that I will whisk away to a little cottage somewhere calm and warm where you can enjoy life as you should.... keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

  2. I agree with Mother's Moon...A good cry every now and then is healthy. We all have those days where we just are not quite right. Sending you tons of love and light! Blessed Be! -Jenn

  3. Well Darlin'est...I understand where all those tears come from...didn't we move into watery Cancer today or late yesterday? Seems as if everytime that happens or is about to happen I get weepy. However I am a crier. Always have been. My heart seems to be touched by so many things, and while my counselor once said she thought something was wrong for me for crying so much I just giggled at her. I heard Gloria Steinam on Oprah one day and she said, "Depression is when nothing matters and sadness is when everything matters." So I opted to coin that phrase and the counselor left me alone after that. You cry those healing tears! Obviously you needed to? I think too, I would have probably blown a gasket for getting docked a day...sometimes people are just too damned insensitive. You deserve a day when you need the day, plain and simple.
    I will be happy when you can retire Mary...and I don't think you will be bored at all...I never am! I can come and go as I please and not have to worry, you know?
    I hope you have better days ahead this week and know that I love ya and am walking right beside you!
    Blessings All Around!

  4. I find it very, very hard to cry. something that I need to look at.
    have you read Dark Night of the Soul?
    a thought provoking post Mary xoxo

  5. A good cry is good for the soul. I will be so happy the day you retire! The day you can get out of the city and out into the country, where it is calm and quiet. You will find so much to do, there won't be enough hours in the day to get things done. Wishing you a tranquil week!