Fear is a Four Letter Word

Yesterday I went out to the beach; needed some alone time to think about how to handle a situation that arose at work on Friday. Sometimes we have to make difficult choices, so I spent the day weighing the pros and cons...and decided that I couldn't leave my job over something that was only a might happen.

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.--Mary Manin Morrissey

How are we supposed to deal with fear?  Do we allow it to consume us, to literally make us into a prisoner in our own homes?  Or do we face it head on?  When 9/11 occurred, I wasn't too far from the towers.  I was working in a halfway house for recovering alcoholics. I had 46 people to care for that day, 46 people who were depending on me. None of us knew what was going to happen next. I tried to call home; all I wanted to do was speak to my family.  Oh, I knew they were safe; I just wanted to hear their voices....but the phone lines were down, and I couldn't get through.  I was crying on the inside, my stomach in knots, but I had responsibilities, and held myself together for the sake of my clients.  None of them knew how I was really feeling that day.  


And then came the next day and the day after that.  There was talk of possible subway horrors. For weeks on end I rode the trains frozen in fear, unable to even read a single sentence in my book, yet never giving in.  Oh, I'd be a fool to say I didn't think of quitting my job and finding work near home where I didn't have to travel....and, oh, how many times during those first months did I get myself all worked up over someone on the train and get off to wait for the next one. But, I worked through it; I had to.  Giving in and giving up is what the terrorists want. If I, and others like me had given in, they would have won.  

They say that unless you face what makes you afraid, the   monsters in your mind will bite your behind all the time. Fear is the enemy of life. It blocks what might have been within an endless list of possibilities.  Had I given in, I would have lost a lot...my job, of course...but also the pension I earned when I vested...the friends I have made...as well as my own self, for had I given in, it probably would have set a precedence for all the future fears I had to face in my life...

...which brings me to the purpose of the post.  I've worked in my field now for almost 12 years, and in all those years, I had only felt fearful of one client....that is, until Friday.  This one was a fairly new client who has been very intimidating to others since the day of his admission. We know nothing about his psychiatric diagnosis because no one bothers to check before accepting someone, but according to our psychiatrist, he appears to be schizophrenic and  refuses to take medications.  He admits that he hears voices in his head talking to him almost all the time, but he doesn't feel there is nothing wrong with him.  Well, Friday I had an incident with this client.  He didn't attack me physically, but there are other ways to put fear into a person.  I am not going to go into specifics about the incident; suffice it to say, it left me and several co-workers, including my supervisor, pretty much shaken.

I know some of you will advise me to leave the job...and you might very well be right; believe me, I wish I could leave, but I will not leave because I allow someone to intimidate me out of a job.  When I go, it will be on my own terms and a time of my own choosing. When I went into this field, I realized that there might be dangers; I realized that you cannot make every client happy, and there will be some who are angry..but those that do succeed, those that do change their lives around, they are the ones that make it all worthwhile.  They are the ones who make me get up and go to work every day.

Fear is in all of us, and at some point of our lives we have to stop and face it. It's an emotion that is meant to protect us in the most stressful and intimidating situations that we face in our lives. It's not meant to harm us; it's meant to protect....and although it might be scary, we have to face it so we can let it go. We cannot allow it to control us. If we live in fear, we are not embracing and the beauty we witness everyday.


When we think about fear, we think of being frightened, scared and being afraid. Those are all feelings and emotions that we as people experience from time to time and are completely normal. We can go into a theatre and watch a scary movie and although in our conscience minds we know it's not real, our emotions and feelings can get caught up in the story and become literally afraid and scared.

So, yes, I'm afraid, but giving into fear cripples the soul.  The truth is, things can happen wherever you are or whatever you are doing. Look at those who work in the schools, the post offices.  Bad things can happen even when one feels safe in their own home. I REFUSE to let some bully intimidate me. And, to be honest...I don't think he will be back.  One of the last things he asked of our director before leaving is 'So, what do I tell my next treatment program?" and I understand he has already been through a few of them.  So, I'll be sure to be a little more cautious.  Lately I have let my guard down somewhat, so perhaps that is the lesson I was meant to learn...because I truly believe, everything happens for a reason, and there is a lesson in everything.  Here in New York they tell us that all the time...Pay attention to your surroundings...and lately, I have been fairly lax. And my supervisor, too, has learned a valuable lesson that all of us have been telling her for awhile now...Don't be accepting everyone into the program.  Some people are not appropriate.  I'm sure she won't do that again.

Thanks for letting me share.

I have not ceased being fearful,
but I have ceased to let fear control me.
I have accepted fear as a part of life -
specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown;
and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says:
turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far.

--Erica Jong--