An Authentic Life

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday afternoon.  I'm having a quiet one.  We've got some serious wind and rain outdoors, and I am just loving sitting here at the computer...hearing the howling of the wind...the rain pounding against the window pane...and knowing that I don't have to go out in it.  I do feel bad for hubby who just left to visit his son...and for my son who has to prepare a catering job today.  So, here I am...alone...but not lonely.  Loving every minute of it.  That last line sounded kind of selfish, didn't it? 


When I was a young woman just coming into my own in the 60's, I had been under the impression that young ladies of the past were prim and proper. That's what I had always been told, and perhaps many were prim and proper...but each generation has its rebels, the so-called "bad girl" and it seems that many of them found their way into my family line.  Now, I don't like calling them 'bad'.  To me, they were merely women who lived before their time; women who had been born too soon...women who lived an authentic life.  Margaret Stuyvesant was such a woman.

"Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself."--Andre Gide

My 9th Great Uncle was Peter Stuyvesant who was born in Amsterdam, Netherlands.  He came to America on 27 May 1647 and became acting governor of what was then called New Amsterdam.  It was he who eventually surrended the town and fort to the English.  New Amsterdam then became New York City.  Peter then spent the remainder of his life on his farm which was called "Bouwarie" from which the present Bowery in New York City takes is name.  Now, this tale is not about Peter, but it was such an interesting tale I figured I would share it.

Margaret was Peter's sister; she is my 9th great grandmother. She was a very notable character and as they say very mixed in her marriage relations.  Her husband, Jacob Backer, was quite a wealthy merchant in New York City.  They resided on the East Side near what now is called Broad Street.  In 1660, he traveled to Holland and left his business in the hands of his wife, Margaret.  He returned only occasionally to visit his wife and their children so it makes one wonder what was really up with their marriage. After the English conquest, he returned once to Holland and was never seen or heard from again.  It was reported that he died in the East Indies.

His property had been heavily mortaged and was foreclosed in 1670.  It was then that Balthazar De Hart, a wealthy merchant who lived on Pearl Street, purchased the property at a public sale.  And, as the story goes, he became quite intimate with the widow Backer.  He died in 1672 and having never married, left his entire estate to his three brothers--Daniel, Matthias, and Jacob...having first made a provision for his natural son, Matthias. (mother unknown)...and bequeathed to his Natural Son, my 8th great grandfather, Daniel De Hart, procreated by Margaret Stuyvesant, the house and lot occupied by him, all of which his mother, Margaret, to whom he was engaged, was to have use of until Daniel came of age.

Mrs. Backer then became a resident of Elizabethtown, New Jersey, mainly on account of a settlement she made with the executor of Balthazar's estate as he had acquired considerable land there before his death.  Later, Margaret, purchased about 224 acres of land, then remarried, but, through Dutch law, always kept her maiden name...Stuyvesant.  Rumor has it that all of her children were born out of wedlock. 

One of the greatest risks we can take, one which may also be painful, requires great courage to relate to others from the position of who we really are and not who others want us to be.  Each risk we take, each pain we experience, widens the path to freedom for others to follow and gives us increased confidence in our ability to live an authentic life.  Margaret lived an authentic life.  Although her father was a Reverend, she chose to live her life as a rebel against society's rules. I am sure that more than was she became the brunt of his angry words, but still she chose to live her life as she saw fit.   She was flamboyant and genuine.  She lived courageously and by doing so, encouraged others to be who they genuinely are.  She was a woman who lived before her time.

Happy Friday morning, everyone.  Another week of work is done.  Guess the beach is out for me this weekend.  We're in for some heavy rains this weekend...both Saturday and Sunday.  Matter of fact, the rain has started already.  I don't mind, though.  It's going to be a quiet weekend, anyway.  Hubby will be going to visit his son, and my son is supposed to go with friends...so I will have some alone time.  What I will do with it, I haven't decided...but I always manage to find something.  I love my family with all my heart, but I also cherish my alone time...my solitude.  It wasn't always that way, though. There was a time I was lonely.

"Be able to be alone.  Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of thyself".--Sir Thomas Browne

Solitude is the time we CHOOSE to be alone...but, when we believe that we have no choice, it becomes loneliness that we feel. Solitude is when you look forward to your private moments.  When we are lonely, we begin to feel as if we are trapped in a web of isolation. We begin to cling to others. We seek out people to spend our time with.  We want our friends, our loved ones with us always. But, we find that we can be in a room full of people and still be lonely.  We surround ourselves with 'noise'.   We feel like we are coming out of our skin when we are alone.   In my case,  I was lonely because I didn't like myself very much.  I didn't like my own company.  I think most of us who were raised in dysfunctional families have difficulty being with ourselves. We feel as if our thoughts and our feelings aren't valid because we feel inadequate; all of our lives we've been told we are inadequate. 


Along my journey, I have learned that you can never find true happiness until you learn how to be at peace with and comfortable spending time with yourself. I once read a book called "Wherever You Go, There You Are".  We can argue with our spouse or a friend, and we can walk away...but we cannot walk away from self. Self is always with us. Learning to like...even love ourselves....is all about increasing our self-esteem. It is all about telling those inner voices to go away, that you are no longer interested in what they have to say.  Retraining your thoughts is not something that can be done overnight.  It took me time to reach the point where I can not only enjoy, but look forward to my solitude.


Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

 

The Past is the Past is the Past

"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you."--Maya Angelou

Untold stories.  How many of us walk around day after day carrying luggage from the past? Each of us can probably think of many things that we regret...things we wish we could take back...things we wish we could go back and do over again. It is these stories that have made us the person that we are today.  

I was what you would call a rebellious child...or should I say, a rebellious adolescent...but I am getting ahead of myself here...I should begin at the beginning. My mom and dad both worked so it was from the age of about 11 on, that I practically raised myself.  I'd come home from school, flip on American Bandstand, and keep myself occupied until my parents got home from work.  Then, I would help mom fix dinner (by the age of 13 I was cooking dinner by myself), we'd sit as a family to eat, and then 'family' flew out the window.  My dad, an alcoholic, would retire to his little room with his six-pack of beer, and that was the last I would see of him at night.  Mom would preen herself and then off she would go to her babysitting job...night after night after night.  At least, that is what she wanted me to believe...but that's another story.

So, here I was, just entering my teen-age years...and finding myself with no guidance. And, personally, because I never knew anything different, I saw that as normal.  I was a 'good' kid.  After dinner, I'd go out an play with my friends until dusk and then come in to do homework, etc. It wasn't until I entered high school that things really changed for me.  My parents then became what I considered 'super strict'.  I was punished for every little thing...and punishment meant I was grounded.  For something little as having my coat unbuttoned on the way home from school...which by the way was one of our teen-age fads...I would be grounded for a month...and it was like that for every little thing....so bad that I NEVER got out, NEVER attended the school dances, even my proms, NEVER had a boyfriend.  It was awful not being a part of.

By 15 or 16, I began to rebel by skipping school and hanging out.  If I couldn't go out at night, then I might as well go out in the daytime.  Problem was, the "good" kids were in school.  I missed so much time, I was kicked out and my parents put me in another school...where I did the same thing...and, when I hit 18, I walked into school and cleaned at my locker telling the principal, "You can't do anything to me.  I am 18 now."  And I walked out of school and never looked back...not then...not until years down the road when I began to regret not completing high school.  I did eventually get my GED and complete a bachelors in Criminal Justice...online, not in a classroom setting. I also came to realize that my parents' did what they felt was best for me.  Knowing that neither could 'watch' over me, punishment and grounding was their way of making sure I was all right. In doing so, they took what should have been a memorable period of my life and destroyed it. But that's all over now...and the logical part of me understands and forgives...although my heart may forever remember.

Sometimes I wonder how different my life may have been if I had completed school back then and sought to further my education.  Would I have been a lawyer?  A psychiatrist?  If I had had a boyfriend?  Attended my proms?  Would I have avoided the heartache of so many bad relationships...the abuse...But, the fact is, I DIDN'T do any of that...and the past is the past.  There is no going back.  And I did learn so much from my experiences that is such an integral part of who I am today.  No, I cannot go back and undo the threads of the past, and I don't think I would really want to.  For today, I value education and schooling so highly that at 63, I continue to seek out courses and trainings.  It's a never-ending and thoroughly enjoyable process for me.

So, it does us no good to ruminate over what 'might have been' for we are the sum total of our experiences--good or bad.  Things that NEED to happen have a way of happening...and understanding the flow of life allows us to let go, accept that over which we have no control.  Living a life of guilt or blame takes us out of harmony and balance.  I am not saying that we should forget, only that we must do whatever needs to be done to let go of harmful energies such as anger and guilt.  Understanding the flow of life allows us to let go, accept whatever limitations we may have no power over, and move forward. 

Wednesday Morning Ramble

Good morning, everyone.  It's another bright and sunny day here in Brooklyn.  I've not been out in it, but it is quite warm.  I was up most of the night with a tummy bug...some little virus has been going around.  So, I took off today.  I'm feeling somewhat better now, and actually a wee bit hungry. 

I was thinking about something that happened on the subway last night.  A young woman got up to get off at her stop, and dropped her water bottle.  It went rolling down towards the middle of the car..unopened thankfully.  Well, a gentleman seated across from me put his book down and started to get up to retrieve it for her, but she was already headed in the direction to pick it up.  So, he reached over and held onto the subway doors so they wouldn't close.  No one else moved to help her...only this man...and if he hadn't held the door for her, she would have ended up traveling to the next stop and having to come back.  And what does this 'lovely' young woman do? She pick up her bottle and exits the train.  Not only did she not acknowledge the man with a simple 'thank you', she didn't even glance at him.  Just strutted out of the train like his kindness had been owed to her. 

Really makes you wonder.  What is the world coming to when such simple gestures of kindness such as "Thank you", "Please", and "You're welcome are no longer practiced.  Do parents no longer teach their children manners, or is it that the children have forgotten them?  Or, maybe they just don't care.  I think one of my biggest gripes is when I go out of my way to hold the door for someone, and they not only don't thank me, but squeeze through without taking the door from me...treating me as if it's MY job to hold the door for them.  Just think of what a better place this world would be if everyone was kind and considerate to the next person...and it all starts with one person.  So, fret I may, but I will continue to hold doors, I will continue to say "Pleae", "Thank you", and "You're welcome".  I will even continue to smile and say "Good morning" for if I am able to touch just ONE person, and that one person touches another...and then another...a new and kinder world will have begun.

And I would like to close today with a few words about Renee.  I didn't get to know her well, not as well as many of you, and I hadn't followed her blog for long...but what I did find there was a brave and loving woman, a woman who taught us all the meaning of strength and fighting back, not taking things lying down.  We will all miss her dearly.  The following poem is one of my favorites.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am 1,000 winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on the snow.

I am the sun on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled light

I am the soft star that shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry

I am not there; I did not die.

--Anonymous--

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, The Frog Clan

G

Good morning, everyone.  It's another beautiful day out here in the Big Apple.  Would it be too much of me to dream that it will stay this way?  That we've finally had our fill of the snow?  Actually, though, I never try to second guess the weather.  Why, I can remember one Easter Sunday...I'd say it was about 40 years ago...that we awoke to the biggest snowstorm of the season...and this was in April. I was about 18 years old at the time and was supposed to go to a party.  Couldn't get out.  The snow was up over two feet.  Yes, Mother Nature has Her own agenda, and it is best not to question it. I know that is something all you gardeners don't want to hear, but we all know that She (Nature) can be fickle.

The Frog Clan

The Frog Clan is the clan that is associated with the element water.  The stone is placed mideway between West and North in the center circle.  The stone or mineral totem for the Frog Clan is the River Rock; the plant is algae.  The color is blue-green. Whenever you experience a Frog Clan position, you can learn about the live-giving aspects of yourself.  Going to this position is a good thing for you to do when you are having a difficult time feeling your own emotions or becoming aware of the reflective, still aspects of your being.

River Rock can be found in just about any river.  It will help to teach you about your connection to Water and emotional understanding. River Rocks awaken you to a stable and grounded sense of your true purpose in life and an honest appraisal of your positive and negative characteristics.   These stones are soothing, calming and can aid you with healing or making changes in your life.  Working with these rocks can also help you to release negative patterns, espcially emotional ones.  River Rockes can be especially powerful when you work with them in their natural surroundings.

Algae can be found in waters throughout the earth, and native people in many different places around the world know the value of certain types of it.  Edible algae are one of the most potent sources of nutrition available today.  The brown algae, called kelp, are the largest seaweeds. Kelp is a regular part of the human diet in many places in the world.  It is loaded with vitamins and nutrients and works to improve intestinal flora. 

Red Algae are abundant in clear, tropical waters.  They are important members of coral reefs.  Many types of red algae are used as food throughout the world. Seaweed, a commercially important food, is harvested mainly from red algae.   Nori is one of the very famous species of red algae. Green algae are believed to be the closest relatives of the green land plants.  They, too, are an excellent addition to our food source as they are very rich in minerals and vitamins.

Blue-green is the color of our great Mother Ocean on a clear and sunlit day.  Use this color for cleansing, purifying and soothing the body, mind and spirit.  Blue and green promote healing, happiness, and contentment. 

  

Monday, The Turtle Clan and the Element Earth

Good morning to all of you out there in blogland.  Another Monday, and it's back to work.  I really didn't want to come.  Matter of fact, right up the last minute I kept saying to myself "I don't want to go."  But, here I am, and a sick day has been saved for a time I might need it more.  

It's a gorgeous day out there.  The sun is shining, and it's supposed to go up to 60.  Now, this is my kind of weather.  Sadly, I probably won't make the beach next weekend.  The weather doesn't look like it's going to be the greatest.  It's great being so close.  I used to spend every Sunday out there.  I'd do what I had to do in chores on Saturday, and Sunday head on out to the shore...and then somewhere along the line I got lazy; I became a 'couch potato'. I've made up my mind that this is going to be a breakout year for me.  Time to get back to nature, to enjoy the sun, the sea breezes, the ocean's mighty roar.  Oh, I am so looking forward to it.  

THE TURTLE CLAN

The elemental clans provide the building blocks for all life here on Mother Earth.  The Turtle Clan represents the Earth.  The stone is placed in the Center Circle about halfway between the North and West directions.  The mineral associated with the Turtle Clan is petrified wood, the plant is cattails, and the color is green brown.  To avoid any confusion, remember that "the tortoise is for Mother Earth, for the planet as a whole; and Turtle is for the Element of Earth."  Native American legend tells us that the Tortoise gave us a place to live, and North America is often called Turtle Island to show respect for this animal. 

Cattails are wetland plants with a unique flowering spike.  The leaves are used for making chair seats, mats, and baskets. It is an important and common wild food.  Cattails have a strong Earth energy that grounds, balances, and stabilizes people.

Petrified wood is wood from trees of long ago that have now been turned into stone by our Mother Earth.   It is a fossil which is formed by an infiltration of minerals into cavities between and within cells of natural wood.  Working with this stone connects you to both the plant and the mineral worlds.  It also brings us messages from the past as well as the knowledge that changes is a natural cycle of life.  It can awaken you to a renewed strength and purpose.

The color for this stone which honors the Element Earth is green-brown.  Use this color when you feel as if you have gotten too spaced out. This stone helps to stabilize you and bring you back to Earth.  Make a special object of this color to meditate on or just stare at whenever you need this kind of energy.

This is the stone to seek when you yearn to be more oriented toward the Earth.  This is the place where you learn the true meaning of loyalty to the Earth and to all your relations with Her. 

Grandmother Moon, The Ocean

Good afternoon to all of you out there in blogland.  Hope you are getting out and enjoying some of this fine spring weather we are having.  Wish I hadn't had so much to do inside this weekend, or I would have found some way to get out there.  Next weekend I will have some down time, so I plan on heading over to the beach.  There is nothing like sitting there, watching the waves as they crash against the shoreline, and communicting with our Great Mother Ocean.  Sometimes I am able to close my eyes and envision my ancestors as they made their trek across the great waters.  It's hard for me to explain...the closeness I feel to the ocean.  I could have a million people around me, and it will just be her and I. 

Grandmother Moon

How ironic.  Today I am feeling the pull of the ocean, and the Medicine Wheel stone for the day is Grandmother Moon who has such control over our great liquid mother.  This stone is placed slightly to the West of South.(just West of Mother Earth)  The Spirit of Grandmother Moon is very ancient; in fact, She is one of the first three placed by the Great Spirit to watch over, guide, and assist us, the children of the Earth.  In Native American traditions, the Moon was considered the leader of the feminine life in part because the Moon, just as we women do, experiences Her different phases.  She is in Her glory during the night time hours when Father Sun is on the other side of Mother Earth.  Her totems are the moonstone, mugwort, and the loon.  Her color is silver white; Her element is water.

The Loon is a bird that swims and dives.  They also mate for life...and because of this, Native Americans used them to symbolize fidelity.  From the loon we can learn out transformation, mystery, and fidelity.

The plant totem is Mugwort which can be found just about everywhere.  It is used to balance female energies.  It is also a powerful ally and protecting force when you use it as a smudege or when working with the powers of Grandmother Moon.  It is also good as an aid for promoting dreams.  It is for this reason that it is often sewn into a dream pillow along with roses, lavender, and chamomile to induce sleep and dreams.

Moonstone is the mineral totem for Grandmother Moon because it is reflective and will mirror back the qualities of those who work with it.  Connecting with Moonstone will help you in developing prophetic ability, to gain wisdom and strength, and to assist you with your connection to Mother Moon and the shadow side of the self.  Moonstone is used in ceremonies both during the waxing and waning of the moon. 

Grandmother moon teaches us about the intuitive, introspective side of our nature.  She is also connected with the cycles.  If you need assistance with changes in your life, or wish to create changes, Grandmother Moon is the one to seek out and ask.