Tuesday Ramble

“Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace,
The soul that knows it not, knows no release,
From little things;
Knows not the livid loneliness of fear
Nor mountain heights where bitter joy can hear
The sound of wings.” 

Amelia Earhart

Well, I want start by thanking all of you for your support yesterday.  I guess it's all catching up to me. Everything seems to be happening so quick.  So many decisions to make. It's my last week of work, and although  I'm excited, I am also feeling a bit melancholy. Work has always been such a big part of my life. And, aside from those clients I have previously mentioned, those pain in the butts who think the world owes them a living, I also have some wonderful clients who are really working so hard to change their lives around.  These are the clients I am going to really miss.  These are the ones who it is hard to say good bye to. 

One of them gave me this card, along with....

...This wonderful cup.  I can just picture myself seated in front of the window, sipping hot chocolate, and watching the snow falling.  (Yeah, I know.  I am getting ahead of myself. 

 I also received this card, along with...

...this lovely little ceramic trinket box. So thoughtful, and given with love.  I shall cherish these gifts forever.

I chose the above quote today because it took courage to march into my boss's office and hand in my resignation.  I'm exhilarated and frightened about the future.  Will we financially be able to manage?  Does it really look exciting to me now because I haven't taken a vacation in a year?....And when the newness wears off, will I have any regrets?  I suppose there will be days when I sit back and wonder, but I know this is the right decision.  It's the only decision.  My life depends on it.

Thanks for letting me share.

Give the best you have received from the past to the best that
you may come to know in the future. Accept life daily not as a cup
to be drained but as a chalice to be filled with whatsoever things are
honest, pure, lovely, and of good report. Making a living is best
undertaken as part of the more important business of making a life.
Every now and again take a good look at something not made with
hands—a mountain, a star, the turn of a stream. There will come
to you wisdom and patience and solace, and above all the assurance
that you are not alone in the world.

Sidney Lovett

Monday Morning This and That

Life is a celebration of awakenings, of new beginnings,

and wonderful surprises that enlighten the soul.

Cielo

Another weekend over, too quickly, but there is a different feel to this Monday.  This is my last Monday at work. Only five days to go. Sometimes, when I think about it,  I still find it hard to believe.   Last year at this time I was feeling a bit hopeless, like there was no way out.  I just didn't think I would make enough in pension and social security to survive and felt I would have to work until I dropped. But then, when health issues came up, I knew something had to be done, and that is when I decided to make my move.

This weekend I only had to cook  for one week only. I kept it simple, but I did make a dish that turned out so delicious it is worth making again--Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry.  Simple and tasty. 

1 cup onions (I love onions, and they are so good for you)
1/2 head of cabbage
3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 cup broccoli
3 tablespoon low sodium Teriyaki sauce
Pepper to taste
No salt butter

Cut chicken into bite size pieces and cook in butter. When chicken is almost finished cooking, add about a teaspoon of the teriyaki sauce and finish cooking, making sure it does not burn.  Set aside.

Saute onion in butter.  Add chopped cabbage.  On the side, cook broccoli and  when cabbage is almost done, add chicken, broccoli, and rest of teriyaki sauce to the cabbage and simmer.  Serve over rice. 

On Friday, they called me to set up an appointment for my thyroid biopsy. I've been so hung up on my lung biopsy that I totally forgot about that one and was totally taken aback. It just seems so overwhelming right now. I couldn't make a decision, and besides, the doctor who called to set the appointment, is NOT the doctor my 'endo' referred me to. Nice of someone to alert me, the patient, of any changes made. I asked if I could call them back. I just can't think right now. So much is going on around me.

On top of that, when I got home, hubby had a message for me about my lung biopsy.  It seems they have scheduled me for blood work and EKG for Monday morning at 9 am.....this, after I told them I would  still working up until the 15th and couldn't take any more time off.  I am not keeping this appointment. I just had an EKG and bloodwork for medical clearance 3 weeks ago.  Why again?This has me a little upset and feeling as if everyone has their hand out trying to get a piece of me....and my insurance. I've been told that as bad as my insurance may seem to me, it is one of the better ones. At this point I have a regular physician, a pulmonologist, a radiologist interventionist, an endocrinologist, and now this doctor, who I have never met, who is calling about the biopsy.  Oh, and my doctor still has me scheduled for more tests on other parts of the body.  She has to be kidding. I can't keep up with it all.  Oh, and before I forget,  the first thing everyone does is send me for bloodwork. I've been poked and prodded more these past few months than most people in a lifetime. 

I'm trying so hard to stay upbeat, I really am, but they are not making it easy. I want so much to believe they have my best interests at heart, but it seems that everyone is making money off me--doctors, labs, XRay techs. Everyone. Maybe it is because I've never been sick before. Who knows? But all ll I wanted was that ONE WEEK of freedom in retirement before this running to doctors started again. I just wanted to put it all out of my head and relish this new stage of my life. Is that too much to ask? And just when I am beginning to feel the joy of a new beginning, they have to bring me down. I don't want to be depressed. I'm trying hard not to be, but sometimes....

Sorry for rambling so on what should be the start of such a happy week for me.  I don't handle 'sick' very well, and the fact is, no matter who is making money, no matter how much I try to push it out of my mind, the fact is there is a possibility that a cancer is growing inside of me, and it has to be taken care of.  

But, for now I am going to pull myself out of this dumb depressed state that  I seem to have allowed myself to fall into.  Perhaps it is all this heat and humidity getting to me. I don't handle 'hot' very well either. It's time to get myself ready for the celebration, for this truly is truly a week of celebration as I prepare to enter a new and wondrous stage of my life.  Whatever comes was meant to be. May you all have a blessed day.

Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!

Barbara Hoffman

  

TGIF

 It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude

to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of
the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday at last.  Whew!!!  5 more days to go.  Unbelievable.  The nightmare is about to come to an end.  It wasn't always like this.  At one time, I loved it, but when CEO's don't believe in security and lock themselves upstairs in their comfy offices, either oblivious or just not caring about what goes on around them, your outlook changes and you want to get out of there as fast as you can.  A disillusioned co-worker still in college to become a social worker said to me, "This social work is not what I thought it would be when I went back to school."  I replied, "Don't give up your dream. There are so many out there who need your help.  This isn't social work.  This is a circus."  And at times we all do feel like circus performers.  This is when our illustrious leader comes strutting through with an entourage of visitors behind him, pointing everything out on the floor as he gives his tour, including us.  We've all found that rather offensive from Day One.

Yesterday I watched the entire series of "The Revolutionary War" on the Military Channel. Knowing that many of your ancestors fought and died in the Revolution sends shivers up your spine. This brings the war home, distant past as it may be.   I was especially awed when I learned that a great uncle, Samuel Prescott, picked up that infamous ride when Paul Revere was captured by the British. Later, I spent almost the entire afternoon on Ancestry, updating my Revolutionary War ancestors. Before closing out, I updated some of my female ancestors.  There is so little information on them, and it takes some real detective work.  

Did you know that we were relics back in those days?  I laughed my butt off the first time I saw that written on a tombstone, "Here lies....., Relic of....", but it is really quite insulting to me.  Perhaps it is the way we look at the word today. We see a relic as something old, albeit something to be treasured, but in those days, the meaning was 'one who survived', meaning the woman outlived her husband.  I still find it offensive. 

Did anyone watch the Macy's fireworks? I don't know about you, but I found it a huge disappointment.  The fireworks themselves were great, but I can't say the same for the music.  I've watched for many years and usually patriotic songs are played during the actual fireworks, but last night we had to listen to the likes of Kanye West, Rhianna, and Usher, who used their partnership in the production to showcase their songs.  Nothing patriotic about it, and I got so disgusted that I turned it off.  

Speaking of the holiday, I just want to let everyone know that yesterday I celebrated my own personal Independence Day as well.  It's been four years since I smoked a cigarette. 

So, moving on, this is my last pay week at work, my last cooking weekend, and it really isn't going to be so bad.  I only have to cook for one week. Then I will be able to cook like a normal person, spending time on my recipes and cooking with love rather than just cooking to get it done.  Other than that, I am just planning to take it easy and prepare myself for my last week of work. It's finally here.

Wishing you all a fantastic Weekend.  See you on Monday.
 

Happy 4th of July

 Wishing you all a fantastic 4th of July.

Columbia fair,
With glory rare.
Sitting as queen in thy western sea,
The peoples pause
To give applause,
To celebrate thine ascendancy.

From eastern surge
To western verge
They sons, in glad activity,
Hail loud and long
With shout and song
They day of thy nativity.

Though dark they morn
Of oppression born,
And bloody thine earliest history,
Splendidly bright
Is they noonday light;
Grand be thy future of mystery.

The portal gleams
With the radiant beams
From the lifted hand of Liberty,
A sign of rest
For those opprest
And promise of peace and prosperity.

God save our land,
Where, hand in hand,
Justice and mercy habitate.
For her be strong
Whene’er the wrong,
Or dangers ‘gainst her militate.

Free as the breeze
That fans her leas,
Bright as the stars of her summer night,
Pure as the ore
In her treasured store,
Lord, may she ever by thy delight.

E. B. Van Arsdale

On a Hot, Steamy Wednesday

I don't know about you, but this weather is kicking my butt, this constant heat and humidity. I dread traveling back and forth to work in it every day, but there are only 7 days to go.  I guess it could be worse.  I remember back in my early days in the city when the subways had no air conditioning.  All they had was these little fans on the ceiling, and believe me, they did NOTHING to cool it off.  

And I know you guys and gals in the mid-west are battling with temperatures up in the 100's,.  I don't know how you stand it, and my heart goes out to you.  When I heard one area was going to reach 129 degrees the other day, I almost fainted just thinking about it. I pray you have cooler temperatures soon. What a summer we are having!!!

Needless to say, this weather drains everything out of me, including my Muse. This morning my  mind is empty and  blocked. So rather than boring all of  you by rambling on about nothing, I'll leave you with the following poem written by a famous ancestor of mine.

The Night Sea

In the summer even,

While yet the dew was hoar,

I went plucking purple pansies,

Till my love should come to shore.

The fishing-lights their dances

Were keeping out at sea,

 And come, I sung, my true love!

Come hasten home to me!

But the sea, it fell a-moaning,

And the white gulls rocked thereon;

And the young moon dropped from heaven,

And the lights hid one by one.

 All silently their glances

 Slipped down the cruel sea,

And wait! cried the night and wind and storm,--

Wait, till I come to thee!

 Harriet Prescott Spofford

My Bucket List

By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be.

Mark Victore Hansen

Now that I am retiring, I am so excited with the prospect of having so much time on my hands to do everything I put off for years. So last night I spent some time creating a 'Bucket List' of items I want to accomplish. while I’m still able. Nothing major. My wild, daredevil days are over.  There will be no jumping into pools that over my head...fully clothed. No jumping from airplanes or climbing mountains. Traveling is out, as well.  At one time I used to dream of having a trailer home and traveling through every state, but that doesn't even interest me anymore. I am just so tired from all these years of work that all I really want is time to enjoy my home. So, without further ado, the following is what I came up with for my  'Bucket List'. 

I am going to learn how to: 

Build miniature fairy gardens and invite the fairies into my home.

Read tarot cards.  I have two beautiful decks sitting here that I've yet to touch because I have never had the time.

I plan to:

Read all the Harry Potter books.  Am I the only person on earth who hasn't read one of them...nor seen any of the movies?

Create a home with an inviting, loving atmosphere. And with that comes the job of de-cluttering.  I'm such a pack rat.  It's time to let some things go.

Go swimming in the ocean. Of course, that calls for putting on a bathing suit, but they make so many wonderfully long tops that perhaps no one will notice my belly hanging out.

Lose my belly.  

Spend lots of time in nature. I've a beautiful park in my neighborhood, and I am only 10 minutes from the ocean.

See of I still have it in me to ride the 'Tilt-a-Whirl, which has always been my favorite ride.

Play in the rain and have a snowball fight. 

Watch the sunrise and the sunset..both in the same day.

I plan to take classes in:

Ceramics.  I used to take classes when I was 20 years old, and I loved it.

Oil painting. I've always dreamed of creating a beautiful painting.

Nutrition for health.  I've already begun taking classes and hope to one day have a certificate.

I also plan to:

Write a poem. I can write plays, but not poems.  It's never too late.

Learn how to socialize and make friends. It's time that I stop being such a loner so I plan to join a senior center and enjoy meeting new people.

Revamp your wardrobe. Already started this one, as well.  No more work wardrobe for me.  Along with purchasing leisure wear, it is time to sort out the clothes I will no longer need and donate them.

Joining a  protest to protect something.  It's been almost 40 years since I have been in a protest of any sort.  I feel very strongly about protecting our environment and all that is a part of it.

Finish and print my family tree.  A few more ancestors to look into, then it will be ready to be printed.

On a personal note, I plan to: 

Release negative emotions and limiting beliefs. As much as I try to deny it, they are still there, only not as strongly as they once were.

Learn not to take what others do or say personally. I have a bad habit of taking things personally, like the time my co-workers were all invited to a sex toy party, and I wasn't.  It didn't occur to me at the time that they didn't invite me because they respected me, and  it also wasn't something I would really have enjoyed anyway. But I let my thoughts run with it and put myself into a lot of unnecessary heartache when I chose to believe they didn't invite me because they didn't like me.

Learn how to take compliments. If someone says I look nice, I can't just say 'thank you'.  No, I have to go into this song and dance about how old the skirt is or how much I had to do to get my hair style, etc.

Of course, this is not set in stone, and once I retire, I am sure it will change many times. Do you have a 'Bucket List'?

 It must be borne in mind that
the tragedy of life doesn’t lie in
not reaching your goal. The
tragedy lies in having no goal
to reach. It isn’t a calamity
to die with dreams unfulfilled,
but it is a calamity not to dream.
It is not a disgrace not to reach
the stars, but it is a disgrace
to have no stars to reach for.
Not failure, but low aim is sin.

Benjamin Mays

Monday This and That

If your teeth are clenched and your fists are clenched, your lifespan is probably clenched. 

Terri Guillemets

Friday was a nightmare at work.  Made me realize just what I was giving up...a whole lot of stress that I don't need at this point of my life. I could literally 'feel' my blood pressure rising, and at one point, I started to cry. With the audit going on everyone was on pins and needles.  Clients seemed extra loud and annoying, but that's because we were so busy trying to play catch up.  Audit times are always like that, especially when they come as a total surprise, but it just made me realize just how much that job is affecting my health. Even the auditor said she doesn't see how any of us can get any work done. 

It's bad enough that we are sitting right out there in the open with no such thing as boundaries, but both of my bosses are so afraid of not keeping the numbers up that they baby the clients who are allowed to come in in the morning and do whatever they please.  While the stereo is blasting in one room, they put movies on in another, and not only do they talk to each other loudly, but they all stop and hang over your work space when you are trying to work.  Half of them are chatting on cell phones, some are dancing like they are in a club, and others are spilling coffee and cereal all over the place. (They get breakfast). And, there is no place to hide.  No door to close to get away from it all.  You are just 'there'.   I am so glad I am getting out of that madness.  9 days and counting.

There is a Duane Reade on my way to the subway, and on Friday as I headed home from work, a little boy was standing in the doorway crying screaming for his mother who was chatting on a cell phone a few feet away.  I kind of thought that he was just being belligerent, and she was just waiting it out, not wanting to give into one of his tantrums.  But then, the little boy ran up to her screaming "But, mama, I want to pay for this," and he held up a small yellow bus.  Did the mother tell him to go put the toy back?  No.  Did she give him money to go pay for it?  No.  Instead, she took his hand and walked off with him. How awful, I thought.  She was teaching her young son that it was okay to steal.  What happens when he grows up?  Is he going to be one of those teenagers who just takes what he wants because 'mama' taught him it was okay?  

Saturday, the weather was fantastic in the morning, so I left the house about 8:45 before all the heat hit.  Went to the bank in my old neighborhood, and it felt it as soon as I got off the bus.  There is a dark aura in that neighborhood. I used to think it was just the house I lived in, but I wasn't near that house,l  and still I felt it. It is the people there--the those patriarchal men with their better than attitude, the cat and squirrel killers, the children who steal from the poor, run away laughing, and then look at you like you've got some dreadful disease, the taunting of dogs and cats, need I say more?  I couldn't wait to get my banking done and get away. 

I wish I could close this bank account and reopen it elsewhere, but that is not that easy.   It is an estate account, and all I can deposit there are beneficiary checks.  So, if I close it, the cash I receive will not be able to be deposited to start another estate account; I'd have to start all over again.  Then, there is so much paperwork to provide.  It's just not worth the bother.  And, it's not as if I have to be there every week.  It's usually once every 3 to 6 months.  I guess I can bear it.

Afterwards, I headed straight to my favorite shopping site and found two pair of the shorts I have been looking so hard for, two nightgowns (hubby shrunk the ones I had in the drier), and a summer/winter purse (good for all seasons).  I bought some of the fillers for the miniature fairy gardens I hope to build.  Already my creative juices are beginning to flow again. 

Meanwhile I have signed up for both Feedly and Bloglovin.  Not sure yet which is best.  After all, this is the first day. But, by golly, I am going to be sure not to lose any one of you in this Google overhaul. 

These are some of the river rocks and shells, and ocean plants that I purchased for my seaside terranium. I also hope to intersperse some real sand and small plants as well.  I've found some wonderful little fairy figurines and furniture at Amazon that I have yet to order.  Wondering if anyone here has some advice where I can send my craft needs at a decent price.

No matter how old you get, if you can keep the
desire to be creative, you're keeping the child inside alive.

John Cassavetes