Love Rushes In

I release any unpleasantness from the past and let it sail away.
I envision it going through the mists of my memories,
over the horizon, and out of sight. Love rushes in to fill
any empty places within my heart or mind. Now I am free
to do what is before me and free to do it better than ever
before. I am free to enrich my life and everything concerning me. 

--Unknown--

Found the above while going through some papers last night.  It helped me through some pretty rough times, so I thought I would share it with you in case you can use it.  Have a great day.

There Go I

Although the world is very full of suffering,

it is also full of the overcoming of it.
 

-Helen Keller-

There's been something eating away at me all week.  I've been trying to brush it aside with good thoughts, but it keeps coming back to haunt me.  There is a park around the corner from my home, and although adults without children are no longer allowed sit in the park due to fear of pedophiles, there are benches surrounding the outer park, and this  is where the homeless sit,  day in and day out.  It breaks my heart to see it, outreach teams have tried to bring them in off the streets, but they choose not to go.  And one can't force them to go, not until the temperature outdoors becomes extremely cold.

At one time it was only a group of men.  Now I am noticing women sitting there as well. This past Saturday there was an elderly woman who was white-haired and appeared to be in or close to her 70's.  The poor thing was eating an ONION.  That was obviously all the food that she had.  I had money in my bag, but I learned along time ago that that only goes to buy  alcohol, if not for her,  the men who were milling around would find a way to get some out it, so I figured when my food delivery arrived at home, I would take her some of the fruit and treats I had bought.  I did bring her back some food, which she refused to take from my hand, looking at me with distrust, so I just set it down on the bench next to her and went back home.  She obviously wasn't used to kindness, but I have to wonder how her family could allow this to happen to her or does she have no one? 

There is another older couple who live from the back of their old station wagon.  Each day they move to a new parking spot and take out a couple of lawn chairs and sit.  She has a cane, and he helps her along.  I've given them the number to our family shelter, but people are so distrusting of the New York shelter system, and from the horror stories I hear from my clients, I can't blame them.     This city is in a bad way right now, and the homeless situation is out of control.  There is not enough affordable housing, especially for seniors, so more and more people are ending up on the streets with no place to go.

What has been sticking in my mind when I think of that lady  is  the saying, 'There but for the grace of God, go I.'  Perhaps this woman and her husband worked all of their lives and lost everything.  Perhaps, like me, every time they got a little bit ahead, something came up that ate away their savings.  Homelessness is something that can happen to any of us. I , myself, am only one paycheck away from sitting next to her on that park bench, and , to be honest, it scares the heck out of me. What if something happens and I can no longer work?  I've worked all of my life, but the amount I would get from social security wouldn't even pay my rent.  Ironically, clients of mine who never worked a day in their life, sold drugs for a living, are being paid more than I would...but that's another story, and I am not going to go there today.  Suffice it to say that if I retired tomorrow, I would barely make $900, but a lifelong drug dealer is bringing in $1700.   Where is the fairness in it all?

But, as I sit here at my desk today, I  cannot help think of that  poor lady on the bench and wonder what her story is.  How did she arrive to where she is at today?  And I wish someone would come along and whisk her off that bench and offer her a safe, warm place to stay.  But would she go?  I think not for, what I can see, she has lost the ability to trust.  And all I can do is sit here and say 'There but for the grace of God, go I.' 

Remembering the Good as Well as the Bad

 The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.

-Oprah Winfrey-

This weekend as I did my bi-weekly food shopping, I began buying some of the non-perishables I will need for Thanksgiving, and it struck, this will be the last holiday we spend in the home that has been ours for 15 years.   Hubby had said to make only a small meal since much of our things are packed, but I want to go out with a 'bang'.  This will be a very special Thanksgiving for us. 

It is an uncomfortable place to be right now, but it hasn't 'always' been this way.  I have to remember that.  It is so easy to focus on the negative. because the negative is where it is right now.  Yes, the battle between families has gone on since Day One, but it was bearable.  Usually, it was the old gent upstairs who would be knocking at my door complaining that my landlady was late paying the oil or water bill.  (As co-owners, they shared payments).   And that I learned to deal with, usually with a chuckle, especially when he would tape the bill to the front door, because I 'knew' she was going to pay; she just wanted to see him squirm.  And my landlady?  Sometimes I didn't hear from her for years.  Aside from not having to pay the bills, for many years, it was like I owned my own home.

So, at this time of Thanksgiving celebration, I have to remember the good and not only the bad.  I have to remember those long, hazy nights when I couldn't sleep and wandered out in the yard and felt such serenity being close to nature.  I now will be giving that up.  My budgies , who gave me so much joy, are buried back there under the bush, and I will have to say my final good-bye.  I smile even now as I think of them, and they have been gone so long.  Their joyful voices were the last thing I heard before I went to work and the first thing I heard on their return.  My sweet little Abbott just loved Spanish music , so hubby would put it on, and Abbott would immediately start bobbing his head and dancing.  And I have to stop here because I can feel the tears starting to well, and this is not the time to cry.   This is truly a time to celebrate the new and unknown.

Life is a celebration of awakenings, of new beginnings,
and wonderful surprises that enlighten the soul.

-Cielo-

Some of you are probably wondering, How can she not have curtains?  The truth of the matter is, I have had no need for them because I have no windows. Space here in the city is scarce, and most homes are attached to the house next to them.  I have no windows in the kitchen, bathroom, living room, or dining room.  I only have two windows in the front bedroom and two in the back.  I do have a door in the kitchen, but there is no screen, so to keep it open is to invite the flies or worse yet, have my cat get out and be poisoned by the neighborhood killer who thinks she is doing the animals a favor.  This was one of the reasons that I was craving a home with windows and light.  I can't wait to start my herb garden in the kitchen window.  It's been a dream of mine for so long now, ever since I left the home with my magical garden.

And so it is that I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, both for the new and for the old.  We were a family here.  We laughed, we cried, we mourned, and we loved, but it is time to move on, to say good-bye.  Hubby and I often drive by our other home and stop, to share our memories, but I don't think I will do that here.  Too much insanity has made it so painful to be here. December 15th will be good-bye, and I will not look back...but I will always have my memories.

World Kindness Day: November 13th

When you receive a kindness, remember it;
when you do a kindness, forget it.

-Greek proverb-

In our competitive and all too often violent world, kindness is not the most frequent response.  Today, November 13th,  is the date that was decreed for World Kindness Day in 1997 when a Japanese group called the Small Kindness Movement organized a conference that brought together members of kindness organizations from around the world.  World Kindness Day encourages us to be kind to others, helping to create a nicer, better world. The result was the World Kindness Movement. Its goal is simple...create a kinder world.

How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it!

-George Elliston-

Kindness reaffirms our connection with each other.  When someone is kind to us, we feel blessed.  And being kind to another doesn't take much effort on our part....a friendly smile, a kind word, takes less than a minute and gives so much joy.   Many people here in the city are so locked into their own little worlds that they have no time for kindness. I can't count how many times I have been lost and gone up to someone to ask directions, only to have them ignore me as if I am invisible and walk right past. No matter what, I always stop to respond...even if it is just to say 'I am sorry,  I don't know how to get there.'  Or, how many just brush on past the pleasant young man trying to make a living by handing out New York's free newspapers at the subway station?   How much does it take to say 'No, thank you' rather than just scowl at him? Or taking that extra minute to hold the door for the next person rather than letting it slam in their face.

Use today as an opportunity to be kind to family, friends, neighbors, and others. You will find kindness rubs off on others, and generates even more kindness. 

We restore the holiness of the world through our loving-kindness and compassion.  Everyone participates. It is a collective task. Every act of loving-kindness, no matter how great or small, repairs the world.  All those ever born have shared this collective work since the beginning of time. --Rachel Naomi Remen

Hallelujah !!!!

It's mine.  It's really, really mine.  The nightmare  that my present home has become is almost over. Got the call late yesterday.  "Congratulations, you've been approved."  "Are you sure, I asked?  Are you sure someone is not going to come out of the background and say they rented it already?"  "What?" he asked.  "Never mind, I say.  That's a long story."  Hubby was a bit 'iffy' because there is not too much counter space in the kitchen and continued hitting real estate agents, but when I got home I showed him all the things we can do.  "We need to get creative." I said  It will be fun. I've already lots of ideas in my head.


Hubby and I are not doing so well financially at this point.  Remember, I am the only one working right now; he is on unemployment.  We definitely need a living room set and lots of little items...curtains, throw rugs, bath set, etc.  I just can't see spending the money on an over-priced kitchen  utility table when I can be creative, and it will look much more homey.  I've a small stand which would be perfect for the coffee pot, and a rather heavy duty metal television stand we don't use.  My thought was to measure and get a square of wood, sand, and paint both the stand and the wood in a brownish color.  I'd thought of fall colors such as orange and gold, but don't want to lock myself in with a certain color scheme.  I love changes.   I also saw something called an over-the-sink cutting board which can act as counter space when I cook.  Oh, I can hardly wait for the 1st to get started. 

One thing I did learn from my experience is how manipulative and conniving real estate agents can be.  I do understand that they are out to make a living, but please, don't treat your customers as if they are stupid.  I know a good con when I see one.  After all we went through, even these agents tried to pull a fast one.  Originally, they had said the rent was $1150, but once they had us, they tried to raise it to $1200.  Not a big difference, but that $50 could come in useful someplace else...and I want what you promised.  Don't go back on your word once I sign the dotted line.  They knew hubby and I meant business and would pull out of the deal, so they got us the lowered rent. Anyone looking for or planning to look for a home or an apartment, be on guard.  They are out there to get you.  LOL!!! 

Wishing you all a wonderful, wonderful weekend.  Thanks so much for all the positive energies.  I know that you all had a lot to do with this.

The Falling of the Leaves

Autumn is over the long leaves that love us,
And over the mice in the barley sheaves;
Yellow the leaves of the rowan above us,
And yellow the wet wild-strawberry leaves.
The hour of the waning of love has beset us,
And weary and worn are our sad souls now;
Let us part, ere the season of passion forget us,
With a kiss and a tear on thy drooping brow.

--William Butler Yeats-- 

Well, it's finally beginning to look like Autumn here in the city...although it hasn't been much feeling like it.  It's my favorite time of the  year, and it is not supposed to be THIS warm.  I long for the days when the leaves are tumbling about and a cool breeze cool breeze which brings the welcome relief not having the scorching heat and soaked clothes. There is something about waking up in the morning to the cool fresh air in early morning.  If ever I wished a time could stand still, it would be during the Autumn season.

Last night was a spectacular night...in more ways than one.   It was a rare foggy night in the city, and above the silvery fog a full moon had risen, and its light made the mist luminous.  If there wasn't so much traffic and people around, it would be downright spooky.  Personally, I loved it and didn't feel much like going indoors.

"Fog in November, trees have no heads,
Streams only sound, walls suddenly stop
Half-way up hills, the ghost of a man spreads
Dung on dead fields for next year's crop.
I cannot see my hand before my face,
My body does not seem to be my own,
The world becomes a far-off, foreign place,
People are strangers, houses silent, unknown."

- Leonard Clark-

We also went to see another apartment.  I got a good feeling about this one.  There is a great aura surrounding the building, and the apartment is everything we have been looking for.  The building  is old, but is obviously well kept, and from what I saw while playing 'peeping Tom' outdoors, the tenants all seemed down-to-earth.  I also liked that in the summer the courtyard in the back is used for barbecues which tells me that the people are friendly, family-like.  The kitchen is brand new...stove, refrigerator, cupboard, counters, tiles...everything.  The bathroom has one of those big old fashioned tubs, and I can already picture myself lounging there, surrounded by scented candles and bubbles.   My cat is welcome which is super  important for me.  Shopping is nearby and the subway for work a block away.  And all for $1150 a month, less than what I am paying now. I do hope this one goes through.

I'm tired.  We've only been looking a few weeks in earnest, but it's wearing me down.  I work hard all day at a stressful job and this running home and going to see apartments is getting to me.  Last night I worked til 7, got home at 8, was at the new apartment by 8:30, at the real estate office at 9, and eating dinner at 9:30.  Whew!!!!  Do I ever need a breather.  So, please, send positive thoughts my way.  Let this be the one.  This will be the one.

What a Bummer!!!

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience."
--Author Unknown

Greetings on this day that feels more like the beginning of Summer than the entrance of Autumn.  Personally, I'd much prefer the cooler weather. Took off work yesterday to meet with another real estate agent.  I never realized it was going to be this draining.  When we find a great place, they don't want pets.  Hubby says just sneak Minga in, and in the old days that might have worked, but in her old age, not only has her cry become louder due to hearing loss, but she has taken to howling in the middle of the night on occasion because she wants someone up with her.  (Yes, she is very spoiled.)  It's been 15 years since I last moved, and real estate took us to one home, this one, and here we are. 

The first stop, of course, was to the incompetents who sold us on an already rented apartment.  They owed me the $500 I had put down to hold the already rented apartment.  They really didn't want to see us go and tried real hard to sell us on the first apartment they had shown us this past Saturday. I don't think I told you about that one.

On first glance, it was just what we were looking for.  I loved the view of the Verrazano Bridge and the water.  The price was definitely in our range, cats were welcome, lots of windows, closet space...all seemed so perfect...until.  The kitchen was long and huge.  I'd checked out the  counter space, cupboards, stove, refrigerator, etc.,  but then before leaving went in to check out the view from the two windows.  Needless to say, it is a good thing I ventured further inward because  the ceiling and wall above one of the windows was covered with black mold.  Immediate turnoff.  

"The landlord is going to take care of it." the agent said.  Hubby replied, "How, by painting over it?  That won't take the problem away, it will only cover it up."  To which I piped in, "Black mold is dangerous."

"Come," he said, "I want to show you the laundry room."  Of course, hubby and I both knew that he was trying to steer us off the subject.  What follows could have been in a comedy show.

One of the male tenants was down there doing his laundry.  "Are you planning to move in here?"  he asked.  "We're thinking of it" to which he replied, "Do yourself a favor.  You can get a lot better than this at a cheaper price." The agent, face reddening, put on the spot, could only say, "Let's go back to the office and talk about this."

Hubby and I didn't see anything to talk about.  We weren't going to take this place, but the icing on the cake came when we got on the elevator with the super who was boasting about how great the building was.  And, before the elevator door shut, the gent with the laundry entered and immediately asked the super, "When are you going to come and take care of my bathroom?  I put the requisition in 3 months ago, and you haven't even looked at it.?  Then he looked at us, "Black mold.  I've taken pictures of it and sent it to the city."  Oh gosh, if I had only had my camera so I could show you the agent's face at this point.

This man's apartment was on the first floor in the front of the building; the apartment we looked at was on the 5th floor in the rear.  The entire building is obviously infested with black mold.  And they continue to try to push this apartment on us...even yesterday when we went to pick up the money we had left with them to hold the already rented apartment.  Tried to tell us it was just from the steam.  Yeah, and I was born yesterday.  .

Meanwhile, when we got home, the son who lives upstairs came knocking on the door to announce that he is now half owner of the house and went on and on...And I want you both to know that I am going to go before the judge, and tell him that she (my landlady) doesn't pay her bills and has done nothing to improve your apartment, so I am going to ask him to have your rent money handed over to me, and I will start doing the fixing up on your apartment that she never did. I'm not my father, and she's soon going to learn that I mean business.  She's sending a couple guys over to check out the basement on Saturday.  Don't let them in.   You can stay as long as you like. Sounds dandy, doesn't it?....but...a judge will never award him our rent when she owns our half of the house...and secondly, and probably most importantly, how is he going to pay all the bills on his $68.50 every two weeks from welfare? 

I know some of you may be wondering how I lasted 15 years here, but it wasn't always this bad.  When the old man was alive, it was mainly little nuggets about her paying the bills, etc.  He'd nag me to pay the bill rather than the rent.  I got to the point where I'd chuckle when I saw the oil bill hanging on the door  with a late fee. I rarely heard from her and sometimes a year or two would go by before I got a call, and it was always about what they were doing and how hard they are to live around. And both would always talk about how much they disliked each other and try to get me on their side. You know, pesty little stuff, nothing really stressful... 

...But now the war has finally begun in earnest, and I continue looking.  Already I am being placed in the middle, and I refuse to become their collateral damage.