Sunday, November 14, 2010

Truth 5: Something You Hope to do in Your Life

Cut not the wings of your dreams,
for they are the heartbeat and the freedom of your soul. 

  There is much I hope to do.  One thing I would absolutely LOVE to do is take a trip to Ireland, but it's not only way out of my budget, but how would I get there.  I won't fly, and I won't take a boat because it might sink, so unless they build a tunnel or a bridge, I guess I am out of luck.  

It is good to have an end to journey towards,
but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
~ Ursula K LeGuin, novelilst ~

On a more realistic level, one day  I hope to do to be able to  move out of the city and back to the country. I was born and raised in a small town in northern New Jersey.  There was no nearby shopping.  If I needed something from the store, it was at least an hour's walk.  Most often, though, I'd hitchhike; it was a lot safer back then.  There were no thugs walking the country roads.  At night, if it wasn't a weekend, we'd go fishing at the pond.  On weekends, we went to a little place called Happy Time Barn where we'd dance til the wee hours of the morn.  I have to say, I was a pretty darned good square dancer.  Life was so much simpler; as a matter of fact, it was too simple for me.

Back in 1965, we gals would graduate high school, maybe work in a factory for a year or so, then get married to some home town boy and have a mess of kids.  That is what was expected of us.  College???  Ha, your a female; it's your job to have babies; that's a full-time job.  I had quit school in March of 1965...when I turned 18.  Thought I was a big shot.  Walked into school, cleaned out my locker, went to the principal's office and said, I quit.  Now, I know that was a big mistake, but at the time, you couldn't tell me anything.  

Well, anyway, after I quit, I still kept in contact with my gal friends and watched as one by one they married off and settled down.  Oh, I almost did so myself...I'm not gonna lie.  I'd met someone I think I would have been willing to settle down with.  He was three years older than me...the most handsome guy and so gentle and kind.  Remember, I was used to running with the wild bunch so this young man was a true gentleman.    We cruised through town or spent evenings at my home. Then one morning my mom woke me and told me she had some bad news for me.  It had been all over the news.  Robert had driven his car off the road and into the lake.  He was dead.  October 30, 1965.  He was 21 years old. They said he had committed suicide.  I still cannot believe that.  He was too altogether for that.  I often visit him online on Find a Grave and cry.  Yes, 45 years later I still mourn this man and wonder what might have been.

After that, there wasn't much left for me in New Jersey.  The one man I might have been willing to settle down with was gone and that wanderlust set in.  Shortly thereafter, a female friend and I spread our wings and took off for the Big Apple.  I never moved back home.  My friend and I had a falling out and lost contact.  I don't know what happened to her.  And, you all know the rest.  45 years later, I'm still here, but aching now for the life I left behind. The city holds nothing for me anymore.   I'm tired of having no privacy, of having to wait til late at night to enjoy my yard, to spend some time communing with nature, with the moon.  I'm tired of the speed; I move so much slower now, and everybody seems to be racing by me.  They don't just seem to, they are.  Here in the city we are always racing someplace.  We never have to be no place.  We've always a place to go...even me in my snail's pace.   I never just go for a walk for the sake of a walk; there's really no such thing.  Even those who say they are just going for a walk; they always end up someplace. 

One day I want to go for a walk in the woods, pick some flowers that are to be picked, rake up some leaves and throw myself into them....wake up the vast white landscape of a newly fallen snow...not the grey icy mess of New York streets and sidewalks.  Put simply.  I want to go home.

Your vision will become clear
only when you look into your heart ...
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.

~ Carl Jung (1875-1961), Psychologist ~


  1. i can understand your yearning...when i was younger i would have gone stir crazy living where i live now, but now i couldn't imagine living anywhere else, except a cottage by the ocean. But i think it is normal for a young persons need to get away and spread their wings, plus i feel we need to have lots of experiences to appreciated life and figure out where we really want to be.

  2. I hope your dreams come true m/f.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and yearnings.
    Yes, life was so much easier in our youth and Wenham,MA is where I feel my connection to this life.
    It took a lifetime to remember what we had. sigh!

  3. I hope your dream comes true. Perhaps when you and your husband retire, you can take up small town living again.

  4. Great post, I have added you to my sidebar list of people working on the 30 posts of truth! Enjoy!

  5. I always thought I wanted city life. But I am a country girl at heart. The city might have made me crazy. I like to visit now - but I love the slower pace in the Valley.

    I do hope you can find a space outside the city one day. You deserve to have more room - and a yard that you don't have to tiptoe around!

  6. I truly wish for you Mary all those things you dream of especially moving out of the city... you have talked about it often and I know what a blessing it would be for you.... I thought I was a city girl once... didnt last long... glad there is not that much of any city here in Oklahoma... blessings dear one

  7. Dear Mary, what a beautiful post! You and I share the same longing. Even though I don't live in the city, I am too close to it and it's frenzy spills over our streets, the traffic flow in my street has tripled, the trees are being cut down by the dozens. I absolutely hate it here! Luckily we found the little place in the country but going over just for the weekends is not enough for me. I NEED space, silence, going into my garden without having to say hello to a neighbor, being able to pull out of my driveway without the fear of a speeding car going by...well, you get the picture, after all, we are kindred souls and we are both in the hopes and the search for another kind of life. I hope your dreams come true with the same fervor I hope mine do. Let's keep our fingers crossed! XO