Trying Times

You know, I have been sitting here for most of the day trying to act like all was okay with the world, but sadly, it is not. It's the holiday season, a season of love, peace, and joy...of colorful lights...gleeful music...smiling red-cheeked children lining up to sit on Santa's lap. The stores are dressed in their Christmas best. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to people...but they do.

Yesterday, I went home from work to find my husband in a darkened bedroom, under the covers. The first thing I asked was, "Are you sick?" my heart dropping because my hubbie has a host of health issues...including liver disease.

"No, I'm not sick." as he turns his head away from me. I can see pain in his eyes.

"There is something wrong. Tell me what's wrong."

"I've been suspended from my job."

Here's the story. My husband also works as a substance abuse counselor for a hospital outpatient program. One of his clients had gone to the program yesterday to attend a group...high on drugs...and carrying on that he wanted a metrocard. The receptionist refused to give it to him, so he went to my hubbies' office demanding one. My hubbie explained that metrocards were only given to clients who had insurance and that, since he didn't have insurance, they couldn't give him one. The client reached out and smacked my husband across the face real hard. He still had a mark when I got home. My husband reacted and hit him back.

The problem is that we counselors actually have no rights to defend ourselves when it comes to the clients. It's a sad fact, but a true one. We are SUPPOSED to deal with it in what they call a professional, non-violent manner. And the client is always right. Not too long ago at hubbie's work, a client beat the crap out of one of the female counselors, and on my job, a client beat up the 'male nurse' in our upstairs program. But we are not supposed to strike back and defend ourselves. And to add insult to injury, the client then went out and badly keyed my hubbie's new car. Can't prove it was him, cause he wasn't seen, but hubbie knows. The insurance has a $500 deductable...and hubbie doesn't know if he will still have a job or not.

I will be honest. I am scared over this. Didn't sleep much at all last night. Never mind Christmas, but how can we pay the rent? Buy the food? And hubbie saved for years for this car. He'll end up losing it...and one of his dreams was that for once in his life, before he died, he wanted a new car. And all of this over a $2.50 metrocard? Drugs make people do crazy things...and innocent people end up getting hurt.

Now, this all comes the day after a dear friend told she has just been diagnosed with widespread liver cancer. Ironically, we have never met in person, but online...yet we feel as if we are sisters...like we have known each other forever...and I truly believe we have. And, as I work my way through the stages of grief, I realize how precious life really is. I am blessed that she has been a part of my life.

So there you have it. This is what's going on in my life right now. I'm working my way through my feelings, and I know I will be all right. I am hurting right now, but we all hurt at times. Life was never supposed to be easy. If it was, we'd get it right the first time around, but we would never learn our needed lessons. Sorry for burdening you all with this, but it just got too tough trying to keep it up like nothing was wrong...and for myself, I cannot hold things in. Once I get them out in the open, I start to heal. Thank you for letting me share.