Wednesday, April 6, 2011

This Isnt a Rant...or at Least it Isn't Meant to Be

The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge of life, and then the promise of future accomplishments. --Gustave Flaubert

This isn't meant to be a rant although it might sound like one.  In truth, this is a sharing of my feelings.  When I am feeling really down, writing out my thoughts is very healing to me.  I've debated about sharing this for a couple of weeks now.  I've not been feeling well lately although I try to keep up that mask that doesn't let others in.  My ailment isn't physical although the pain from my fibro does play a part.  Indeed, my pain is more mental, more to do with the emotions.  Sometimes it is getting such a struggle for me just to climb out of bed, and it's all because I dread going to work.  I hate to use depression, but what is it when dreamland feels so much better than real life?

I've been so unhappy lately and I'm so tired.  I am so very tired.  I have already faced that fact that I cannot continue to work at the pace that I did when I was young, but I can't get that through to my supervisors. I am wearing down and burning out.  I need a vacation, but as I shared yesterday, the three days I asked for were denied.  As a matter of fact, I should be on vacation today, but here I am because I was the one denied.  I've not had a vacation since November, and have four weeks I can take, but all I asked was three days.  And, I am not asking for an easy pass.  I'd just like to see the work doled out more fairly so we all do an even amount.

I am frustrated that I am constantly overworked.  In my opinion, when one does a good job, they should be rewarded, but  I almost feel as if I am being penalized.  It's like the more you do, the more they pile on you.  I run four groups a week while there are others who just run one, and have a larger caseload than anyone else...and the intakes just keep coming in.  When I mention the groups, which is often now, I am told 'we'll work on it' in one breath, and the next, they try to soup me up with, 'they are important groups, and no one can run them better than you.'  Don't all bosses say things like that when they know they are doing you dirty?

And the same goes with the intakes.  I'm already managing a caseload higher than anyone else.  An example is, I have 28 active clients; my office mate has nine.  Yet, each week I get an intake, and she gets none. When I mention that it is too much, I am told, 'He is very nice.  You're the only one here that I trust to work with him.'  That's a bunch of crap. The fact is, I am too easygoing, and you know that you can get over on me.   Well, maybe that is not the fact, but that is the way I am feeling right now. I am feeling like I am being used.  

My work ethic has always been good, perhaps too good because I guess I was what you would call a workaholic.  I have always felt that it you are going to do a job, then you should do it right so I have always taken pride in my work.   Wherever I have worked I have done the best that I could.  Now, I am beginning to wonder if that is really worth it, for while I am busting my butt seeing client after client, my office mate is playing games on the computer, another is looking up her daily transits, and two others are sitting in an office schmoozing because they have nothing else to do.  

So, what do I do?  Do I continue to work at this pace until I burnout altogether and can no longer work?  Or do I toss my work ethics out the window and act like all the rest of them.  Talking with my bosses has done no good.  I've even gone so far as to plead with them to no avail.  I don't know which way to turn at this point.  I think what bothers me the most is this feeling of helplessness, of having no choices.  It is just too expensive living here in the city, and what social security will pay me is just not going to cut it.  And hubby's job and all of his doctors are here.  At 64, job hunting is out of the question.  I don't have it in me anymore.   I just can't imagine pounding the pavement.  And, jobs are so scarce here in the city.  Any suggestions?

Meanwhile, the WW diet is going well.  As a matter of fact, before I began I thought, 'Oh 29 points daily.  I will be hungry.'  but there are so many free foods that I am finding it hard to hit the 29 points...which you need to use if you hope to lose weight.  I did splurge when I did my shopping and spend $6.49 on the WW chocolate ice cream sandwiches.  I was hesitant because that's a lot of money for 6 ice creams, but it is oh, so worth it.  They are scrumptious.  Melt in your mouth chocolate  My lunches have consisted of a variety of Smart Ones with fruit for snacks  Dinner is whatever meat and veggies.  Right now I am so tired of rice and beans (Hubby is Domincan so that is a staple in our household)

To end on a happier note, this weekend I plan to start my herb garden on my back porch  I was in the store the other day, and saw the cutest little bunnies and gnomes which were just made for container gardening.  I'm getting really excited about this, and I think it will really help to relieve the depressive symptoms I have been feeling lately.  Having something to do with my hands has always helped me, and some of my happiest years were spent in my previous house working in my magical garden.   

All right.  Now that I have probably dampened the spirits of the rest of you, I am feeling better that I have finally been able to share these feelings with someone.  Oh, I do have hubby, and he does listen and offer good advice, but sometimes you have to hear it from elsewhere.  And I know, only a few short weeks ago, my co-workers gave me the most wonderful day, but this isn't about my co-workers.  This is about management.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get these feelings out. 

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside,
somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes
to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists,
and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort
for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be.

Anne Frank


  1. Mary go see your doctor and tell him what's happening both physically and mentally.
    Maybe he can get you some time off with a note and MAYBE just MAYBE those Jokers at work will Get the Message.
    If no one else is competant enough to handle these so called special cases, they need to fire their asses and hire people that can.
    There are plenty of people out there looking for WORK!
    You already know it.... You are being USED and ABUSED.

    Beans can be good in certain amounts.
    Rice in less amounts whether it's brown or white.
    You seem to have a good grip on this Point Plan.:0)
    Yell if you need me Buddy.

  2. If your depression is not lifting, you should talk with a doctor. Hugs to you today!

  3. DIL Deb says, wha,wha,wha!!
    Stop playing victim!
    If you don't make your self #1 no one else will! Ask yourself what you are deriving from your "oh poor me thoughts" What's the reward?
    You teach people how to treat you! Lie like a rug and you will be walked on!
    Take the energy you put into complaining to work on finding a new job so you can leave the ungrateful folks you now work for.
    If your as great as you say you are, take that confidence and sell yourself to a new employer.Update your resume, check the want ads, craiglist, or get a head hunter to do the work for you. Good Social workers are needed evreywhere!!
    Only YOU can make the changes required to make YOU happy. Believe in yourself and and take no crap! You are only a victim if you CHOOSE to be! You will feel soooo good when you take charge of your destiny. Good Luck!! Deb

  4. DIL Deb pulls no punches.
    I read your post to her and she said " move over."
    Hope I still have a friend.

  5. "I have already faced that fact that I cannot continue to work at the pace that I did when I was young, but I can't get that through to my supervisors. I am wearing down and burning out."

    -If you KNOW you can't keep up your younger work-a-holic ways, then why do you keep TRYING to?

    -Stop needing to be "The Best Little Girl" and get those kind of strokes, from your supervisors.

    -Those "The Best Little Girl" strokes, which only result in more work, being piled on you.

    -Talk, will NOT get through to your supervisors. Only actions will.

    -WORK at the speed, which YOU know IS YOUR "NOW" speed. This is not becoming a "bad worker." It is simply becoming the good worker, which Mary is NOW capable of being.

    -If you burn yourself out, no one will care, in the long run. They will find a replacement, at your desk. And life will go on, at work.

    -But your life, will change, for the not-better.

    Tough Love...

    I apologize if I offend you.

    Gentle hugs...

  6. I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and unhappy, and I understand. You might try upping your intake of Vitamin D to 4000-5000 units a day which can help tremendously with depression, and I've also used the Bach's Rescue Remedy with great success to ease stress and anxiety as needed. That said, you already realize that it's the underlying causes that are making your life so unhappy right now. Please take care of yourself, however you need to do that. Yours is the only life you can save.

  7. I do think that you should see a doctor, however, since I was formerly in the Human Resources field, I also understand why you are feeling like you have no way out. We would all like to think that you cannot be discriminated because of your age/sex, etc., but the truth is, the discrimination still exists - it's just handled in a very careful, methodical way. Here's what I would consider doing. First, go see a doctor and see if you can get some sort of assistance from him which will help you with your case to lighten up your workload. Before you go to the higher ups, though, come up with a written plan as to how you suggest the work get done - in other words, how it can be distributed more fairly. I would not accept the excuse that you are the only one that can work with so-and-so and if that is brought up again, I would suggest that perhaps if the others cannot work with a good number of the patients, then maybe THEIR performance should be evaluated. It's very important that from now on, everything you discuss be also put in writing, and that you keep notes for yourself including names, dates, etc. I'd also address the quality of the work as a whole - as in "if I take on this many patients, none of them will get the quality care they deserve and that we strive for" etc.etc. No matter where one works, there is always a game - and we all have to play it at one time or another. Sad, but true. The most important thing is that you don't burn out and become ill. The next most important thing is to make sure your job is as secure as possible. On that note, is there any way you can do the work you do without all the hours and still collect some benefits?

  8. Dear Mary..

    *Hugs* Listen to your body and spirit. It's trying to tell you something.


  9. I'm with Aunt Amelia. Don't make yourself sick to please people who are walking all over you. Wind down and do what you need to do for you. we teach people how to treat us. They must feel they can get away with this garbage. Perhaps it's time to unleash your inner bitch?

  10. big hugs Mary i agree listen to your body you need to rest up and get back in balance. the new herb garden will help such alot, the garen brings about such alot of balance and healing. hugs again x x x x you are doing far too much slack off a bit let someone else take the load for a change be gentle with yourself

  11. Hi Mary....I'm so sorry you are in "this spot". It is never pleasant dealing with a little depression and work troubles. It does sound like you are being pro active tho....with your weight loss....and your gardening plans. Try to focus on these things......the things you can control.

    You are in a hard profession....and it can easily "pull you down". Take care of yourself and know that you have friends out here who are in your corner.

    Take care,


  12. Good Morning my sweet friend! Go to your doctor and take some time off, it's not like you don't have it coming. The work will get done while you are not there, it may not be done the way you do it, however it will get done. Let management do their job, you do your job by taking care of you. YOU are your first priority,your health and nothing else. Stressing over your job is going to make you sick and is so not worth it. If you don't take care of you for you, think about your boys and husband not to mention all of your friends that care about you.

    Love you...

  13. Dear Mary, and you are still speaking to me. 'Cause you left me a comment in my blog. :-)

    Sighhhhhh, yes "Tough Love" my Dear. But now, I read all the other comments. I never read other comments before I make my own. Anyway, I'm not the only one, who had about the same thing to say to you, Dear.

    One of my Dear D-I-Laws has a degree in Social Work or however it is said..... We chat about many things, over the years. My Teaching Degree didn't take these things, into consideration, but... She has said, I'm kinda' good at this stuff. Because I come at things, from the point of Common Sense.

    We LOVE you and want you to have goood Quality of Life!!!!! Now..... Please find a way! Please. All we can do, is send vibes and wishes for Strength.

    Gentle hugs...........