Dawn

His radiant fingers so adorning

Earth that in silent joy she thrills,

The ancient day stands every morning

Above the flowing eastern hills.

This day the new-born world hath taken

Within his mantling arms of white,

And sent her forth by fear unshaken

To walk among the stars in light.

Risen with laughter unto leaping,

His feet untired, undimmed his eyes,

The old, old day comes up from sleeping,

Fresh as a flower, for new emprise.

The curtain of the night is parted

That once again the dawn may tread,

In spotless garments, ways uncharted

And death a million times is dead.

Slow speechless music robed in splendor

The deep sky sings eternally,

With childlike wonderment to render

Its own unwearied symphony.

Reborn between the great suns spinning

Forever where men's prayers ascend,

God's day in love hath its beginning,

And the beginning hath no end.

George B. Logan, Jr.

Isn't that a beautiful poem?  Sends chills throughout my body.  There is nothing like reading some beautiful words to add some serenity to one's life.  Tomorrow is my thyroid scan and to say I wasn't feeling anxious would be a lie. I know darned well the test is safe, but taking a pill of radioactive iodine, waiting four hours, then lying on a table, completely still, with my head tilted back for 30 minutes is not my cup of tea.  Racing thoughts tell me, "What if you have to cough?" or What if something goes wrong with the pill?  What is they are just telling you that the dosage is so small you don't have to worry about your pets or loved ones? What if after it is over they tell you cannot be near others?  Where will you sleep? What if the dangers of radiation can be passed on?" And on and on and on. I really do have to stop reading so much.  I feel my hypochondria coming on...and it has been so many years. 

Okay, I admit it, I'm a big baby when it comes to doctors and dentists.  In fact, I am far worse at the dentists office.  The tears begin to flow the moment I walk through the door, and the nurse has to hold my hand throughout the whole procedure.  I guess my fear of the dentist stems from the fact that mom never really took me to the dentist when I was a child.  The first time I remember going I was in my mid-teens, the dentist wanted to fix my overbite by pulling all my teeth and breaking my jaw and resetting it.  What he was going to do with my teeth, I don't recall.  After all, 50 years ago dentists were not as, shall I say, as up to date on things?  There was no such thing as implants so he certainly wasn't going to put them back in my mouth.

On the day before the surgery was first scheduled, I came down with a cold, and it was cancelled for two weeks.  Lo and behold, on the day before the surgery was next scheduled, I had a relapse of my cold.  This time, they not only cancelled the surgery, but told me to call them when I was ready and slammed the phone down in my ear. My mom was upset because she had wanted it done.  I think she was far too trusting of this Quack.  Guess someone was really looking out for me on that day.

My fear of doctors?  I have no clue as to where that fear came from.   All I can think of is that it's not really a fear of doctors, per se, but a fear of what they might tell me. In my early twenties I went through a terrible bout with hypochondria.  A minor cold became a major terminal disease.  It was dreadful.  Back then I ran from doctor to doctor, never quite believing they were telling me the truth. Today I have a fear of what they might say. Irrational fears, to be sure, but fears that actually do put the quality of my life in jeopardy.  Fortunately, I've chosen to deal with them before it is too late.  I've also a fear of heights, of deep waters, of spiders, bees, and rodents, but these fears do not hold me back from living my life. What fears are holding you back?

It is not that you must be free from
fear. The moment you try to free
yourself from fear, you create a resistance
against fear. Resistance, in any form,
does not end fear. What is needed, rather
than running away or controlling or
suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it,
learn about it, come directly into contact
with it. We are to learn about fear,
not how to escape from it, not how to
resist it through courage and so on.

J. Krishnamurti

I probably won't be around until later tomorrow.  Will let you all know how it goes.