Wednesday Ramble OOPS!!!! See what I mean. It's Thursday.

The emotion that can break your heart is
sometimes the very one that heals it.

Nicholas Sparks
At First Sight

I'd like to start by thanking all of your for your comments on my little ramble yesterday. You all said it.  Time.  It is going to take time. Fifty years is over half my lifetime, and now I am adjusting to something totally new for me...a life of leisure...and don't get me wrong.  It feels wonderful not have to deal with those maddening trains and the constant chaos on the job.   But there is still a feeling of loss. Jo hit the nail on the head when she said 'we become so identified with work that we don't really know who we are without it.'  You are so right. For so many years, work was all I knew.  There was no social life.  I was always too tired for that. Now, it is just the opposite as I feel my way around as I begin anew.

And yes, I have found myself reaching out more to strangers.  I find myself striking up conversations with anyone who will take the time to listen.  Like the checkout girl at the fruit stand yesterday.  I'm sure she didn't care how long I had waited and how glad I was that the sugarplums had arrived, but she was polite and nodded, smiling, probably wondering 'who is this woman who is babbling on so much about sugarplums and black grapes?'  I even stayed dressed when I went home and went out to check for mail about twenty times in the hopes that someone from my building might be sitting outdoors and would be up for a chat.  But, of course, it is way too hot for that.  No one wants to leave the coolness of their apartment to go sit in that heat. 

In a private email yesterday a friend wrote that my co-workers will adapt to my absence more quickly than I will to being gone, and hard as it may be to admit, it is so true.  When I mentioned yesterday that I had texted everyone at work, I failed to mention that only my two bosses and the nurse answered me back.  On my final day of work, I had posted my email and phone number in our file room.  No one has contacted me since Friday. Don't get me wrong.  I so appreciate the tremendous send-off that they gave me.  It's a day that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life, but I'm now beginning to realize that that is exactly what it was....a sendoff.  I like to think that they are just giving me my space, but I think it is more likely that they are moving on.  It's time I do the same.

One thing that has been fun is cooking.  I absolutely love the opportunity to fix a meal every night.  I'd grown to hate cooking because when you cook so many meals at once, you can't put any love into it.  You just want to get done.  Now, I find myself going through recipes, making lists, and looking forward to shopping on Saturday morning.  Hey, wait a minute!!!! I am a free woman.  I think I will go shopping on Friday instead. 

Last night's meal.  A delicious beef stew made with beef, celery, carrots, potatoes, onions, green pepper, garlic, and cilantro, thickened with a wee bit of tomato sauce and cornstarch.   

One thing I have noticed is that I am finding it hard to keep track of the days. Each seems to run into the next one.I missed my show last night because I thought it was Tuesday. When I was working,  I had my early early days, my late days, my group days, and kept track of my days that way.  Without my work schedule to fall back on, I have to find a new way of keeping track of time.  But, I'm not complaining one bit. It actually feels good (except when I miss a favorite show) to have so much time on my hands, to actually slow down and 'smell the roses'. 

Well, it's time to get ready to head out for more blood work. Yes, more blood work, the same blood work I've had three times in the past two months.  Enough already.  Talk to you all tomorrow.  Stay cool and drink lots of water.

What is time? The shadow on the dial, the striking of the clock,the running of the sand, day and night, summer and winter, months,
years, centuries--these are but arbitrary and outward signs,the measure of Time, not Time itself. Time is the Life of the Soul.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow