Monday, June 25, 2012

Monday This and That

Rain, rain, go away
Come again some other day
We want to go outside and play
Come again some other day

It was pouring this morning when I had to leave for work.  Not that I dislike the rain. Actually, I love the rain, but not in the morning when I have to go to work.  One thing I cannot stand is getting wet and having to sit in it all day. I've been home since Tuesday, and it didn't rain until today. It seems like it purposely waited for me to have to leave the house, but I know Mother Nature is not that way.  She's gentle and loving and knows exactly what she is doing.  Perhaps this was her gift to me, to wash away my tears.

Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.

--John Updike--

Meanwhile, I think the worst part of this thing is the not knowing, the waiting.  I'm thinking positively, and everyone I have spoken to has given me hope that even if it is the Big C, it's small and I caught it in time.  I keep telling myself that it is no good to dwell on it, what will be will be, but it's hard to filter something like that out of one's thoughts.

Auntie brought up something interesting on Friday--the problems we face with our healthcare in today's society. Insurance companies are dictating which patients can get what services under what circumstances. For example, I suffer with sinus issues, always have. For twenty years I was treated by New York Eye and Ear, a hospital that specializes with these areas. They have all the latest equipment, and doctors are specifically trained to deal with issues such as those I face. I've not been able to see them since my insurance changed.  I cannot get past my primary who feels it is not necessary for me to see a specialist. A week's worth of antibiotics will do for a sinus infection. 

I also see the effects of bureaucracy, too, when working with my clients, and, to put it bluntly, it is downright frightening.  As most of you know, I work with mentally ill substance abusing clients.  Over half of my clients are schizophrenic, a quarter of them are half bi-polar with psychotic symptoms, and another quarter are on parole and have no mental health issues, or if so, they are minor. All are on Medicaid. For some of these clients, it took many years to stabilize their mental health issues, and now, with recent changes in Medicaid and all these new plans, certain medications are no longer paid for. That means that clients who have been stabilized on certain medications no longer have access to the very medications that have helped them to lead fairly normal lives because they certainly cannot afford to buy them. What happens if and when these patients begin to decompensate?  What happens then?  What happens when these clients begin roaming the streets?

Well, despite having to go out in today's rain and not being able to lie in bed and enjoy it, I was thankful that I was off work on medical last week.  The record setting heat was unbearable.  I heard on the Friday morning news that the power had gone off in my old neighborhood and that they had been working all night to get it back on.  As I recall, this is nothing new. The power was always going off in that neighborhood. You'd best believe I breathed a sigh of relief that I was no longer living there.  Even with the power on, summer got awfully hot there what with the sun beating down on the bedroom windows almost for the entire day and no windows through the rest of the house.  I sit and wonder how I was able to take it so long, and my conclusion has been that I don't take to change as well as I think I do.

Long as unending threads, the long-drawn rain
Interminably, with its nails of grey,
Athwart the dull grey day,
Rakes the green window-pane--
So infinitely, endlessly, the rain,
The long, long rain.
The rain.

Since yesternight it keeps unravelling
Down from the frayed and flaccid rags that cling
About the sullen sky.
The low black sky;
Since yesternight, so slowly, patiently.
Unravelling its threads upon the roads.
Upon the roads and lanes, with even fall

Along the miles
That 'twixt the meadows and the suburbs lie,
By roads interminably bent, the files
Of waggons, with their awnings arched and tall.
Struggling in sweat and steam, toil slowly by
With outline vague as of a funeral.
Into the ruts, unbroken, regular,
Stretching out parallel so far
That when night comes they seem to join the sky.
For hours the water drips;
And every tree and every dwelling weeps.
Drenched as they are with it.
With the long rain, tenaciously, with rain

The rivers, through each rotten dyke that yields.
Discharge their swollen wave upon the fields.
Where coils of drown?d hay
Float far away;
And the wild breeze
Buffets the alders and the walnut-trees;
Knee-deep in water great black oxen stand,
Lifting their bellowings sinister on high
To the distorted sky;
As now the night creeps onward, all the land,
Thicket and plain,
Grows cumbered with her clinging shades immense.
And still there is the rain,
The long, long rain.
Like soot, so fine and dense.

The long, long rain.
Rain--and its threads identical,
And its nails systematical,
Weaving the garment, mesh by mesh amain,
Of destitution for each house and wall,
And fences that enfold
The villages, neglected, grey, and old:
Chaplets of rags and linen shreds that fall
In frayed-out wisps from upright poles and tall.
Blue pigeon-houses glued against the thatch,
And windows with a patch
Of dingy paper on each lowering pane,
Houses with straight-set gutters, side by side
Across the broad stone gambles crucified,
Mills, uniform, forlorn.
Each rising from its hillock like a horn,
Steeples afar and chapels round about,
The rain, the long, long rain,
Through all the winter wears and wears them out.

Rain, with its many wrinkles, the long rain
With its grey nails, and with its watery mane;
The long rain of these lands of long ago,
The rain, eternal in its torpid flow!

Emile Verhaeren


  1. The insurance companies have handcuffed physicians. They are not allowed to refer too many patients to specialists. Insurance companies take 50% of the physician's fees in return for being an associated doctor. What a deal. But it's not like the doctor has a choice. If they don't take the popular insurances, they won't have patients. So now they are forced to follow insurance company rules, which dictates that the insurance company never loses money, even if the patient is put at risk. That's why I shake my head when I hear people talk against national health care because they don't want government involved in their health. So insurance companies are better? The way I see it - The Man is The Man.

    What you say about the mental health patients is so true. In the city there are so many of these people who are untreated on the streets and are a danger to themselves and others. Imagine even more of these untreated patients wandering around. The insurance companies/government doesn't want to pay for the meds, so it will be the tax payer who ends up paying for the resulting crime.

    Ok, end rant. Wow, ranting at this time of the morning. Today should be interesting...:)

    I really feel for you, Mary - having to wait and worry. I hope you don't have to wait long and that the news is good. You deserve a break - for sure!

  2. the not knowing is definitely the worse..hoping for the best ♥...can't talk about your insurance system, we have universal healthcare and although we have our problems i'm happy with it. What do people do that don't have employer heath insurance and don't qualify for Medicaid or care ?...i find that all a little scary, having always had universal heath care , in Germany(also dental) and here.

  3. I'm just catching up on blogs after a long hiatus. I am sorry to hear about your health issues and will say a prayer to the Goddess for peace while you wait to hear back. As you know, I am a big fat sissy hypochondriac so I feel anxious just thinking about thinking about thinking about waiting for a Cancer test to come back. Positive thinking and distraction are my friends in those circumstances.

    As for insurance companies. I've found the doctors are just as bad. I've had some bills come in and am now fighting the doctors about them. Between 3 doctors I am being charged almost $2,000 that I do not owe according to their contract with my insurance company. I have paid what my insurance contract advises I owe and now the doctors are threatening collection. I had to send certified letters with forms from the insurance company. I just wonder how many people write those doctors checks instead of checking with their insurance companies to find out what it is they exactly are due by law to pay.


  4. Waiting is always the hardest part... Trying to keep a positive attitude... Trying to not allow ourselves to be consumed by fear...

    All this is hard, even though we know it is the wisest path.

    Gentle hugs.........

  5. After reading this, being the (BUDDHIST OF COMPASSION) like I am, I can't help but to take any grief you might be having, into my HEART, and to send out only good from my HEART to you my friend. Hope all goes well.

  6. So hard to wait, I know. And time seems to slow down to a crawl. Hopefully you can find some diversions to help with the wait.

  7. Good morning comment is simple this I am usually one of few words......HANG IN THERE!!!!.....THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

    hugs from me to you,


  8. I haven't heard you mention your ex-landlady in a long time, Mary -- I hope that means she has finally left you alone and is no longer trying to suck you into their family drama!