Saturday, August 21, 2010

Speaking Up

The other day when I posted my little 'rant' I was actually amazed at how on the onset my mind was blank, but as I began to write, the words began to flow.  Although my rant had nothing to do with anything major that was interfering with my life, too often we tend to 'hold it in.'  Then, we ruminate about it and how it makes us feel.  That brings on the anger, the resentment; we begin to feel inadequate and unsupported...unloved.  It's not a nice feeling. 

I know many of you have heard me complain about a Yahoo smoking cessation group that I belonged to.  Well, I backed off...didn't leave because I am hoping someone returns, but also didn't post.  Then suddenly, someone posted "Where's Mary?  She hasn't posted in awhile, and I hope she is all right."  And several people responded that they hadn't heard from me.  Well, for awhile there, I was feeling so good, and despite my promise not to post, I couldn't help myself. And ya know what?  No one...not a soul...responded.  I was devastated...and the more I held it in, the more I could feel it eating away at I didn't post to the group, but sent emails to several of the people who I had become friendly with and explained how badly I was feeling and that I was going to be leaving the group.  Ya know what?  I felt so much better after I had put it out there.  Of course, I know I have put it out here, but putting out there to people involved and finally getting out of there, was such a load off my chest.

Gosh, there was a time I was great at holding things in...still do to some extent, but don't allow it to stagnate for endless days.  Perhaps I will hold it a day or two, but no more than that. You see, I am one of those people who expect others to know what I want, what I am thinking.  Just too darned independent, I guess.  When I want and need help, I hate to ask for it.  Same thing with birthdays.  I never forget a birthday, and I expect everyone to do the same for mine. But, everyone is not like me.  Hubby was one of nineteen children, so birthday's were really not so big to them...unlike myself, an only child. So, because when we first met I told him the date of my birthday, I expected him to remember it...and when he didn't greet me with a Happy Birthday, I was left in total devastation....and because I didn't think I should 'have' to remind him, I was left to ruminate....for an entire week..."He doesn't love me."  "I'm not important to him." "How could he do this to me?"

The fact was, he wasn't doing ANYTHING to me...because he honestly hadn't remembered my birthday.  So, because I hadn't wanted to remind him, I ended up suffering inside for an entire week before I finally blew my gasket and carried on about "how could you forget my birthday." He was so humbled, I actually felt bad for him.  The following year to avoid any hurt feelings, I scribbled on the calendar "Mommy's birthday."  That way hubby didn't know it was my little reminder; he thought my boys had done it....and I didn't feel that I HAD to remind him.

You see, if you do not air your issues and just keep burying them, you will generate dis-ease in your body...especially if this is your way of coping with the knocks of life and being in relationships. No relationship is ever completely smooth sailing; in fact, someone once told me that if a couple never has a disagreement, there is definitely something wrong with the relationship.  So, if you are  keeping it all bottled in, then eventually you will end up exploding because you just have to let the air out!  And when you let it go that far, you may completely loose it and afterward suffer the consequences...which very well could mean you lose out big time in your relationship...depending on how viciously you lash out. 

Do you really want to play a guessing game when it comes to being real and authentic? Even if you just need someone to listen to you, you will find them. Friends and family are the best source; even blogging is a way for you to clear the air.  Gosh, knows, I've really exposed myself on this blog...but really felt better once I had gotten it out of my system. 

So my message is simple, be sure that you air out your issues, if you sleep on it, it will fester and grow into an ugly monster that most likely cause you a lot grief later on; you , your body, and your loved one  doesn’t need that negative energy. So, it is time to begin thinking about the things you are NOT saying and pay attention to your emotions.

"When you assume responsibility for what you experience and share what you experience in a spirit of companionship, that is the same as forgiveness.  When you hold someone responsible for what you experience, you lose power."--Gary Zukov from "The Seat of the Soul"


  1. wonderful post... so many good lessons here... I can relate with many of the things you said... Hope you have a wonderful weekend... blessings

  2. Great post. I think expecting people to like remember your birthday is an only child thing, because I'm the same way. I remember everyone's birthday, kid's birthday, anniversary, etc....and yes I expect the same and I get upset when I'm 'forgotten' and yes I hold it in too. I'm a keeper of things locked inside many times, mostly as I don't see the point sometimes of pointing stuff out after the fact. I think some of my mom rubbed off on me in that aspect. But, I'm learning to let things go...except when it comes to "him"...then well ya know.

    Have a great weekend. *HUGS!!*

  3. I was the oldest of four and I also am one that remembers birthdays.
    Have a years worth of cards ahead of time so the only excuse for not getting them out on time is I was just too damn lazy to write them out. It happens on occasion. :0(
    Hubby is the middle child of nine.
    I've always thought forgetting a birthday was a man thing.
    My sons need their sister or their wives to remind them of mine. sigh!
    As for holding things in.....guilty.
    Disgussion was unheard of in this house.
    Still have some stuff on a low burner...because to even try to discuss an issue it would fan a flame.
    I shy away from EXPLOSIONS !

  4. I have one of those brains too that never forgets a birthday. Hell, I remember people's birthdays whose names I don't even remember! I used to get pissed off too when I remembered everyone's special day, but no one remembered mine. Then I realized the solution was to simply put equal effort (not more effort) into sending birthday cards. So now I only send cards to people who remember my birthday too. Tit for tat, as they say. Makes for a lot less stress and a lot fewer unreasonable expectations!

  5. Great post! I have to admit to being a little guilty when it comes to birthdays... I'm in the timeframe but I never get the day right...
    So while I always have a surprise for someone, it may arrive a bit early or late!

  6. great post and i can so relate...have a good weekend !

  7. What an honest and heart-felt post Mary. I think we all at times harbor those ill feelings until we explode into a crazed lunatic, or at least I have.

    For years there has been an ongoing situation in which I have let eat away at my very being. In all honesty, the only person I have hurt harboring feelings of resentment was myself. I still struggle on a daily basis to not let circumstances beyond my control, control me. Somedays are better than others and I will admit, I'm still not there yet.

    I want so very much not to care about some things and some people, but that is just not what I am made of. Letting go is the hardest thing for me, even if's it letting go of hurt feelings and disappointments.

    Thank You Mary---and Blessed Be )o( Angie

  8. You are so right, if a couple doesn't have an argument about something once in a while they are not communicating. Which means something is wrong somewhere. Wishing you a beautiful week!