Awe enables us to see in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple, to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal.
Abraham Joshua Heschel
Morning all. July has come and gone so quickly I have to wonder if it was ever here. Yet, so much has happened this July, events that will change my life forever. My mom is gone. I'd wanted so badly to see her, to hold her, and tell her how much I loved her, but it was my not to be. My daughter had said that my mom continued to hold a grudge and that maybe it wouldn't be best right now. Neither of us knew at the time how quickly my mom would pass. She was such a strong woman.
Myy daughter questions her decision. She said that just before my mom went into the hospital she asked for a new file box for all her important papers. She wanted my daughter to have it in case something should happen to her. After she passed, my daughter went through it and found that my mom had put MY original birth certificate in there. Now we both feel that mom wanted us to find each other. (My daughter never told her that we had been in contact). Perhaps I should have been more forceful, I don't know. The fact is, we both did what we thought was right for my mom. All we can do is move forward from this point on.
I hold no blame towards my daughter. Like I said, I could have been more forceful as well. Perhaps there was this little part of me that feared what my mom would say. She always did have such a biting tongue. We are both sorry that mom had to die with so much unfinished business, and now I may never have the closure that I sought for so long. I don't want my daughter feeling bad about this. I do believe though that my mom and dad are now both now surrounding me.
In fact, my granddaughter and I both believe it was my dad who brought us together. I'd been having dreams for the longest time of trying to find my way home. I'd find myself going around in circles on old country roads, walking through wondrous fields, or trudging through the woods. Always I awoke before I got there. My granddaughter told me she had a dream about dad. He told her to go out and find me. And after that, everything started falling into place. My dreams 'searching' dreams came to an end when we found each other.
One more little 'coincidence' happened over the weekend. My mom's house is being put up for sale as well as most of her belongings. She didn't have much, basically her wedding rings that she didn't want to be buried in and some costume jewelry. (Mom always loved costume jewelry) Well, my son and daughter claimed the rings and my granddaughters the costume jewelry. That's all right. I wasn't expecting anything. My "Book of Life" was enough for me. Well, my daughter was folding a pair of my mom's slacks when out fell a little gold bracelet which she is sending to me. Now tell me that isn't a coincidence.
Moving on. Didn't do much for Lughnasadh. Didn't have it in me this year. Made some soda bread and served a nice berry salad in honor of the first harvest. Wanted to change my altar, but I want to finish enjoying summer before it goes. So much else has happened this month that I don't know where to begin. I found a wonderful new park to visit, I've gone to Tai Chi, I joined a walking program, continue to lose weight ever so slowly, the list goes on and on. Oh well, a little at a time.
Talk to you all tomorrow.