Coming Back and Healing

Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself
alone, and so they don't find themselves at all.

Rollo May
Man's Search For Himself

Good morning everyone.  I want to thank those who reached out with their condolences.  So much appreciated to know that there are people who care.   I'm going to be honest.  It took me awhile to decide whether or not I wanted to come back.  I've never been one to complain about the lack of comments.  It never bothered me.  But, at a time when one is going through a great emotional turmoil and loss, a simple "I'm sorry" means the world when one is feeling so down.   Yet, despite hundreds of people who viewed my blog, and some even stopped following,  only a handful reached out with their support and to them I am so grateful.  I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me.  Sorry, to all.  I had to put this out there.  I was really, really hurt.

Now, with that being said, it has been a very emotional time for me.  So many ups and downs.  One moment I am feeling at peace and the next I am broken down in tears.  I feel at peace because I had forgiven and will not carry resentments the rest of my life.  Tears come when I realize that we never did have and never will have the reconciliation I have hoped for for so many years.  But, even in the midst of sorrow, love is there. 

This old book doesn't look like much; in fact, it doesn't even look like a book.  But it contains the story of my life.  My daughter sent it to me.  She thought that I should have it.  My mom kept it all these years.  It is the story of my life from the time I was a baby until my teen age years.  It contains pictures of me, of family long forgotten, of happier times before it all went wrong. My mom really did love me.

How did we go from this smiling loving family to the dysfunction that tore us apart.  Or, was it always there?  Are the pictures nothing more than a facade?  I have to believe not.  I have to believe there was a time that we all loved each other.  A time before the affair and my dad's alcoholism. A time when I had parents to take care of me, to love me, to make their only child the center of their world.

This album has begun awakening memories in me.  Things that had been stuffed deep into my subconscious are now coming to the surface.  Perhaps this is what I needed all along to heal.  Perhaps now I will finally be able to find myself.

Back to regular blogging on Monday.   Have a wonderful weekend.