Thursday, July 30, 2015

Coming Back and Healing

Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself
alone, and so they don't find themselves at all.

Rollo May
Man's Search For Himself

Good morning everyone.  I want to thank those who reached out with their condolences.  So much appreciated to know that there are people who care.   I'm going to be honest.  It took me awhile to decide whether or not I wanted to come back.  I've never been one to complain about the lack of comments.  It never bothered me.  But, at a time when one is going through a great emotional turmoil and loss, a simple "I'm sorry" means the world when one is feeling so down.   Yet, despite hundreds of people who viewed my blog, and some even stopped following,  only a handful reached out with their support and to them I am so grateful.  I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me.  Sorry, to all.  I had to put this out there.  I was really, really hurt.

Now, with that being said, it has been a very emotional time for me.  So many ups and downs.  One moment I am feeling at peace and the next I am broken down in tears.  I feel at peace because I had forgiven and will not carry resentments the rest of my life.  Tears come when I realize that we never did have and never will have the reconciliation I have hoped for for so many years.  But, even in the midst of sorrow, love is there. 

This old book doesn't look like much; in fact, it doesn't even look like a book.  But it contains the story of my life.  My daughter sent it to me.  She thought that I should have it.  My mom kept it all these years.  It is the story of my life from the time I was a baby until my teen age years.  It contains pictures of me, of family long forgotten, of happier times before it all went wrong. My mom really did love me.

How did we go from this smiling loving family to the dysfunction that tore us apart.  Or, was it always there?  Are the pictures nothing more than a facade?  I have to believe not.  I have to believe there was a time that we all loved each other.  A time before the affair and my dad's alcoholism. A time when I had parents to take care of me, to love me, to make their only child the center of their world.

This album has begun awakening memories in me.  Things that had been stuffed deep into my subconscious are now coming to the surface.  Perhaps this is what I needed all along to heal.  Perhaps now I will finally be able to find myself.

Back to regular blogging on Monday.   Have a wonderful weekend.


  1. It is amazing that such a book would come into your life now. I speak from my own experience: Believe in the love.

  2. I'm so glad you are back and that book found its way to you. I hope you find peace with your mother. That doesn't mean that you have to forgive her or what she did, just that you find a place to "put her" so that you can mourn and heal.

  3. It seems as though that book has shown up right when it was needed. No matter the relationship, I think a parent's passing is stunning - thinking of you as you work through this.

  4. I just saw! I am so sorry for your loss. I always thought it was more difficult to lose a person you loved and had a difficult relationship. I am sorry it took me till now to find out. I haven't been blogging much lately. Such a difficult year for you! Lots and lots of love!

  5. Hi dear friend.....oh my...loss of a loved one is so very difficult.....especially where there has been a difficult relationship. Believe me when I say.....I UNDERSTAND THIS.....Just like you...I have had to be my own mother for many years and have felt so totally lost at times. With my sons passing it has occurred to me I only remember the good things....I think that is kind of odd considering there were so very many BAD AND SCARY times. Anyway....I know you will sort all these feeling out and you are meant to have EVERY ONE OF THEM!!! Incredible healing takes place in the midst of horrible pain......if we let it. Take care of yourself sweet lady.



  6. I can so relate to where you are right now. I am writing a book that I know will bring healing to ny siblings and me. You cannot heal from what you do not see. For so many years my siblings and I have stuffed down all that happened from our childhood - or our LACK of childhood. By taking out our long suppressed memories and looking at them and feeling them and seeing them from the safety of our present time - we can at last begin to heal. And we ARE!! It is not pretty and it IS painful at times but we ARE bonding and finding closure in what was a childhood where we were never children. The working title for the book so far is 'Children in the Closet' because that is where our safe place was. Please know you are not alone. But we are no longer victims of our childhood. We survived and we prosper!!! It is a hard journey but you will be stronger in the end. It is enough to have proof that you were loved!!!

  7. Mary, I'm glad to have you as my friend.

    If you'd like, if you click on my name here, it will take you to my one and only blog I have now.

  8. Thank you so much! May the Goddess keep you and yours safe!