Monday, May 12, 2014

Monday Morning This and That

I always tell young people to be sure to make some good memories because when you get old like me, it will be your memories which bring you joy.

Annie from the Center

This was last week.

And this was this weekend.  What a difference a week makes.

Good morning, and a happy Monday to all.  Hope you all had a fantastic Mother's Day.  I spent some special time with my hubby and my boys.  After an Italian feast we sat about and shared some of our favorite memories.  Later, after my boys went home, I lit a candle and shared the rest of the eve with my loved ones who have passed on. Laid some virtual flowers on their graves via 'Find a Grave'.

Mother's Day has always been bittersweet to me, and for some reason, this year hit me harder than others.  Perhaps it is because it is my first Mother's Day in retirement, and it just served as a reminder that the years are passing me by.  Last year at this time I was everybody's mother at the job; now I have become everybody's daughter at the center. But, moreso, on this day I really do miss my own mother despite the fact that we were never close and my maternal grandmother who loved me as much as any mother could.  I never did get to know the women on my dad's side, and only now through my genealogy am I getting to know them. And I am realizing now that they weren't so bad.  Oh, they had their issues, yes, but don't we all?  Mom wanted a perfect world for me, but that doesn't exist.

What I am finding is, that as I grow older, I find myself mourning the loss of what I never had and the woman I never knew.  Yes, my mom was physically present in my growing years, but emotionally she was never there for me.  And, childhood was not the happiest of times for me. So, I am actually quite puzzled as to why I sat there last night and cried my eyes out because 'I wanted to be a little girl again'. I just wanted another chance to make things right.  

Take care of all your memories.
For you cannot relive them.

 Bob Dylan

Of course, I wouldn't 'really' want to go back and relive those times.  There were some good moments, yes, but there were more bad moments.   Maybe not really bad, but unhappy. And, after years of counseling others, I know it is not possible to go back to the same thing and expect different results.  It just doesn't work that way.  If I know this, then why am I crying over something that I know can never be.  The answer is in the stars.  Besides, I've got so much peace and love in my life right now.  I've a man in my life who loves me, two wonderful sons, a fur baby I love with all my heart, a nice apartment, plenty of food on the table, and I finally have people in my life that I can call my friends.  

Of course, I could blame these crying jags on my Uranus/Moon conjunction.  Uranus, the planet of disruptions, hit my Moon, the center of emotions, in April and will remain there until the end of March, 2015.  This transit is known to cause emotional turmoil.  The Moon is associated with the mother.  Sudden mood swings and emotional change are the norm during this transit. Disruptive as it seems, though, I plan to use this time in a constructive manner; that is, I think it's time to work through  old hurts and put them to rest once and for all. 

 Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
But only one mother the wide world over.
George Cooper


  1. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to chose special times and visit our childhood from time to time. :0)
    I'd love to be a kid again if just for a little while.

  2. Childhood seems so, so, so long ago now.

  3. Mary, these are the issues I have been working on recently. I had a very similar mother. Through my inner work prompted by the Jamie Sams book I am reading, I realize now that I have to not only accept, but thank the path I have walked. There is no making it "right" as it is over, and it happened just as it was supposed to, and has, in some ways we may never know, opened the path to our life/destiny. I am not going down that road anymore because I also now know that spending time in the past will block the flow of energy that is available in the now.

    It's really hard at first to stop the memories, but when they appear I "just say no" to them until it becomes a habit. Acknowledging/noticing them is an important first step, then we can move to thanking them and sending them off to remain in the past where they belong.