As I mentioned yesterday, things have not been so good for me lately. Once all our financial woes were worked out, I thought things would go smoothly for awhile. Well, they did, but not for very long. I guess it is like they say. I just feel so sad all the time. Money can't buy happiness.If a person's basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience. On the other hand, if someone is suffering from depression, anxiety, or any form of emotional distress, then even if he or she happens to be enjoying physical comforts, he will not really be able to experience the happiness that these could bring.
To start with, with denial out of the way, I now have to deal with the impending loss of my 'best friend', Miss Minga. It is hard to miss the telltale signs, and I am not prepared to let her go. Senility is setting in. She will walk into the hallway heading towards our bedroom and start screaming like she is afraid. And, she is drinking so much water. I fear the end is very near. I went hysterical last night. I realize that death is a part of life, but I cannot imagine life without her. I know most of you have been through the loss of a beloved fur baby so you know hard it can be. I cry all the time, and my one saving grace is the senior center. There I am surrounded with people, and I can talk about her, and the pain I am going through. I can't talk to hubby. He was never raised with pets so he doesn't understand. He doesn't dislike her, but he doesn't love her either.
Speaking of hubby. His health is deteriorating. His breathing has become more labored, and he is finally open to oxygen. I think he is much worse than he letting me know. And this is making him very cranky. He snaps at me for no reason at all. Take yesterday morning, for example. It was a beautiful day. I was going to the center, and I wondered what he was going to do. "What are your plans for the day?" I asked very nicely. Instead of reply "I haven't any plans yet", he grunted and snapped, "Don't ask me. I don't know what I'm going to do."
It has been like that far too often. Last night I tried a new dish, and although I enjoyed it, he complained that the rice was a bit too soggy for him, and he doesn't know why I put so much water in. He is always finding little things that I haven't done to complain about. I do the best I can, and my house is always clean, but physical pain keeps me from doing all the things I once did.
This behavior is new to him, and I know it is because he is afraid. And it doesn't help any that my pain is now almost constant. Yesterday morning I stopped at Pathmark and could hardly walk the two blocks to go to the center. I stopped twice to lean against the wall, my back and leg hurt so bad. Sometimes I feel tears welling in my eyes because I have always been such an active person, and now I wonder how long I will be able to get around. Shopping isn't fun anymore; it hurts too bad, and I can barely make it to the park. For some reason, the pain eases up when I push a shopping cart, so when I go to the park I always take it with me whether I plan on shopping or not.
So, as you can see, there is a lot going on in my life, and at times it seems too much to handle. In all honesty, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. Dreamland is so much more preferable. I'm working hard to pull myself out of this funk, this time of darkness, but I'm beginning to realize I cannot do it alone. I think it is time to seek help. Just an ear to listen.
Please say a prayer for me, that I can past all this without totally breaking down. I've always been so strong. I am not anymore.
Thank you for letting me share.