Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sometimes Love Hurts

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try to understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.

Arundhati Roy

Good bye Spring...for now, at least.  The polar express is returning.  They say it will be 9 degrees tomorrow morning, but it is not the cold that bothers me.  It can actually be quite invigorating. But, there is  more snow is on the way... just when I was beginning to enjoy being out and about again.   I'll be off to the Center this morning, but as for tomorrow, it is still up in the air.   

I am more than a little upset today.  First of all, hubby continues to get the runaround.  He got up and went to social security with the letter from his doctor very early yesterday morning, was given his number, and by 10:30 am was called to the front and told that he would have to come back tomorrow morning, that he was too late.  The workers were no longer seeing clients. Too late???  At 10:30???  All he needs is for someone to take the letter and give the okay for him to get his checks.  They say the man is 'too' sick to manage his finances, but then they make him travel back and forth to their office. I am beginning to think it is payback for taking them to court and winning.  Sure looks that way to me.  And wow, if I could find a job that I only had to meet with clients from 9-10:30, I would gladly come out of retirement.

What I am really upset about is the fact that my niece and goddaughter has gotten herself involved with an abusive man.  I understand all to well how this could have happened.  Her mom never really wanted her.  (She looked too much like the father) and at one point, threatened to toss her in the garbage pail.  She was about a year old.  The family stepped in, and I ended up taking her in. But, my sister-in-law demanded her back, and the family all went against me, so I was forced to let her go.  The mother never did make any more of those threats, but she did pretty much ignore the child, choosing instead to focus all her love on her prettier???? child.

I know what it is to be raised in a cold and unloving home.  One grows up 'searching for love in all the wrong places'. I know, I had my fill of bad relationships in my youth, and I see my niece doing the same thing.  The only difference is, she has a child with each of the four different men she was involved with.  This last one, though,  I am afraid that if she takes him back he might kill her.  He hits her, belittles her, stabbed her, kidnapped their baby, and stolen her car.  At present he is behind bars, but what happens when he is released.  

She is already posting on Facebook how much she misses him.  Working with victims has taught me that she really cannot help herself.  Her esteem is so low that she seeks love at all costs, and like any other abuser, he knows how to manipulate her. Battered women, especially those raised in a dysfunctional household, feel they don't deserve any better.  She loves him, and he is often quite  loving to her when he’s not being abusive. This gives her hope that one day the violence will end, and she speaks about this often.

For now, she is physically safe for he is locked away.  All I can do is be there for her, to listen and offer my advice. I talk to her about what I have learned in my Victims course and what I learned from working with Batterers.  I  have hope that perhaps I can change her thinking patterns and build her self-esteem before he is released.  I pray that she doesn't take him back, but what if she does?  Well, I will cross that bridge when and if the time comes.  For now all I can do is offer to share the wisdom I have gained in my life.

Please keep Barbara in your prayers.  

Thank you for listening. 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that.
 Martin Luther King, Jr.


  1. May the Goddess guide Barbara to a better life.

  2. Thinking of you and Barbara, Mary. She's in an awful situation, and i hope she can find the strength to extricate herself!

  3. Was a Barbara in my first marriage, so I can relate.
    Hope she finds her way.

  4. This breaks my heart. Sending prayers and healing energy your way.