A Home Song

It's a rainy day here in Brooklyn, so there is not much to do except hang about the house and do some packing and sorting.  I've one closet I haven't even started on yet.  We had planned to go put the curtain rods up and hang the curtains today, but the super is working, and we definitely need a ladder to do so.   We really didn't think about that yesterday, or we would have called and asked him to leave it today.  

Spoke with my landlady yesterday.  I really wasn't going to call her back, but I decided, "Oh, what the heck.  There's only a week to go".  I'm so glad I did because after listening to her rants about the the two sons and their sister, I managed to get her to agree to my leaving my son's bed and the sofa bed rather than tossing them out...which, if you remember was one of my worries.   Actually, as it stands right now, she has decided to let the place go.   According to her, the son is not paying any of the bills, and she is not going to pay everything.  Besides, her health isn't good at this time, and she sees no other way around it.  In time, she may decide to renovate, and, in that case, will have her friend stay there to do all the repairs.  That was my 'cue' to suggest leaving the furniture.  

Now, my only worry is how my 19 year old cat will react.  She was only 4 years old when we moved here, so I guess you can say this is the only home she has known.   Healthwise, she is doing as well as to be expected. She's a touch of arthritis, and her kidneys are beginning to falter, but she eats well and basically does well in all areas except---She's becoming senile, and at times, becomes disoriented.  When she does, she lets out these deep, guttural howls.   I'm not quite sure how she will act in a totally unfamiliar home.  I've been doing my best to brush these thoughts aside, but nagging fears still keep popping up.

I did some thinking last night about my present home.  I've never felt comfortable here, never really felt at home right from day one.  It's been a place to 'hang my hat' so to speak.  The prospect of moving stressed me, but I realize now that it is not because I absolutely 'loved' this place so much that I couldn't bear to leave it. No, it was the fear of the unknown. Yes, there were 'some' good memories that I'd been clinging to, but they were really few and far between.  And, I'd been hearing nightmare stories about the rents here in the city , and I was afraid.  I didn't think we could afford it.   And it was then that I realized that I had NEVER blessed this home or cleansed this home.  All the negativity that was here when we moved in is still here.  and because negative energy feeds off itself, it is stronger now than ever before.  There is a darkness here...and not just from the lack of windows.  Do you know that I find myself tiptoeing about?  It's like I don't feel I belong here anymore...and I don't. 

Shortly after we moved into the home prior to this one, hubby and I had brought in some friends and we had done a thorough cleansing followed by a blessing, and that has 'always' been my favorite place to live. I'd drop everything and move back there at a moment's notice.  And not only because of my magical garden.  There was an aura  there that made you want to kick off your shoes and stay forever.  I think we all have experienced that one special place that we wish we could live in forever, and when things go awry, and we have to move.  This is what I plan to create in my new home...a place where one feels welcome, where one 'wants' to come home.

I read within a poet's book
A word that starred the page:
"Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage!"

Yes, that is true; and something more
You'll find, where'er you roam,
That marble floors and gilded walls
Can never make a home.

But every house where Love abides,
And Friendship is a guest,
Is surely home, and home-sweet-home:
For there the heart can rest.

Henry Van Dyke