Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Warning: Not a Happy Post

Prayer is a means of sharing the burden, which relieves pressure, as you tell your worries and concerns to someone who will listen and won't judge, no matter what you say. Praying is like handing the problem over to someone else as you talk it out. Then you can tune in for guidance and a different perspective that will exude heartfelt energy. When you pray, you are exposing your real self and extending sincere, loving energy to yourself. It doesn't matter if your words are fancy or plain, and there is no way to do it right or wrong. Prayer is about opening your heart and being sincere.

Lucinda Bassett

Good morning, everyone.  Today I'm feeling sad, really sad.  Too much happening in my life.    Too many things that I am not ready to deal with, let alone face.   I sit here everyday, and I watch my Miss Minga, not knowing  how much longer she will be with me, and it hurts so bad.  She has good days and some bad days, but from her appetite and how well she gets around, she doesn't appear to be suffering; however, she is in her 23rd year now, and sadly, I have had to face the fact that it's not a matter of years anymore.  Now I see it in times of weeks.  And now, there is hubby. 

He's been a little quiet lately, and last night he went to the bedroom to presumably watch boxing. However, when I went to the room I found him sitting there, his head buried in his hands.  He was crying. "What's wrong?", I ask.  "I'm dying,' he responds.  "Every time I go to the doctor it is something else.  The eye doctor has me putting  two different drops into my eyes  twice a day now because my glaucoma is getting worse.  I an sent for  a Cat Scan because of  back pain, and they find a problem with my kidneys.  I can't breathe anymore with my emphysema,  and now my liver hurts, and the doctor tells me it is in bad shape, and I have to start treatment again right away.  It didn't work the first time.  What makes him so sure it will work this time?" He went on.  "I have no friends so all I do is sit around and think about dying. I can't even work anymore."  

Hubby was much like me.  His only socialization was work, and now that's been taken away from us because of our health.  I've accepted it, but he hasn't.  I chose to reach out and try something new--senior centers, church, Weight Watchers, Art class, exercise--and I have my online friends here, Facebook, and My Fitness Pal, but he has stayed fairly close to family, and as good as that may be, he cannot visit them every day and is missing the companionship of friends. The centers I attend hold no interest for him, and there are no courses he would like to take.  So, I went online and found a few support groups and places he can volunteer.  I can only hope he follows up on them. 

I'm trying so hard to keep up my spirits up for everyone's sake because, and now is not the time for denial, this may very well  be our last holiday season as a whole, and I am going to make sure it is extra special.   It would be a true miracle if Miss Minga shared another Thanksgiving dinner with us.  And hubby?  He is really not looking well, and I am scared.  All I can do now is pray.  

All this while I myself am struggling with chronic pain.  I never complain about it, just grin and bear it, but, to be honest, just walking down the block can sometimes bring tears to my eyes.  Everything just brings me down once in awhile, but hopefully now that I have new hobbies, I'll have something to occupy my time. 

Forgive me for laying all this sadness on you.  I just have no place else to get it out. I'm hoping that when I go to the clinic next week for my blood work, I can get a referral to a therapist.  I just need to talk, to have someone listen, and to have someone say, "You're going to be all right."  Thank you for listening today.


  1. I am always here to listen to you, Mary, and I know a lot of others here in blogland are as well, so please don't feel alone. You are going to be alright, but that doesn't mean that you aren't hurting and struggling now. You are, and it sucks, for you, for your hubby and for Miss Minga. You are a very strong and resourceful person, so please don't forget that. You seem to always find a way to deal with situations that present themselves. That's something to be very proud of, not to mention it is a life skill that's hard to beat. If you want to see a therapist, then you should. I am sure there are resources for retired people to keep the cost down. Remember too that you can email me anytime. I think you have my email but if not, let me know in the comment section of my blog. Hang in there.

  2. I'm always here for you my friend no matter how distant or far I may seem I'm always here.

  3. Hugs to you, Mary. I'm sorry that life's path is so rocky for you right now. Wishing you both peace and strength.

  4. Your honest and heartfelt description of your situation is very moving, and I am glad that you chose to post it. Prayer is a means of sharing, as is your writing, and it is also a means of letting the universe know what you need and want. Thanks to your sharing, please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts (and those of your other readers), that your pain and effort are acknowledged and respected with confidence that you will deal with your situations gracefully.

  5. You are brave and honest to put it out there, and so very human, my friend. Nothing lasts, everything changes, and by grieving in stages, as you are doing, you prepare a little more for the day when it comes to pass. Seeing a therapist would definitely help. And you WILL be all right. You have always found ways to cope with what life hands you, and you will with these sad things too. I know you love on Miss Minga every day, and I know you will do that for your hubby as much as he permits. We cannot change another's life and destiny, but we can change ourselves and our perspective. Bless you all.

  6. I'm so sorry that all of this pain and sadness is sitting in your laps and in your hearts. You will be alright, even if it hurts, even if things suck and even if it takes a while. It's cathartic to share, to talk, to let the words carry the weight of our burdens. Seeing a therapist sounds like an excellent idea, as does keeping up with your new found connections as you love on your husband and Miss Minga and care for them as well as yourself. Much love, peace and strength to you all.

  7. My heart is with you Mary, and i send you prayers and love. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I wish i could give you a hug in person.

  8. We're here. We're listening. sending hugs and good energy.