A Dawn Song

Doctor's appointment went well yesterday. When I first walked in his office and saw three other doctors with serious faces, my reaction was "Uh oh".  Turns out that they were interns, however.  The doctor himself was a chubby jolly fellow who immediately put me at ease.  He looked at the scan, but doesn't see the same thing the radiologist and my doctor saw.  He felt my throat and did see a swelling which may indicate goiter, but didn't feel any lumps.  Good sign.  My TSH levels are low, another good sign.  I'm scheduled for a sonogram in early November which should tell us more, but for now, he is fairly certain it is not thyroid cancer. 

I just wish all of this were over.  I've never been so poked and prodded in my life.  I know it is for good cause, but heck, it doesn't make it any easier.

With Autumn settling in and a morning chill in the air, it's been getting harder to drag myself out of bed and ready myself for work.  The night is longer now, and it seems as if I am now rising in the middle of the night.  Now, the first rays of dawn don't appear until long after I have had my coffee and showered.  Not that I am complaining.  The dark time has always been my favorite part of the year.  For me, it is has always been season of inner reflection and solitude. It is a time to reflect on where I have been and where I am going. 

For so many years now my life has coasted along on an even keel. Each day blended into the next.  Oh, there were times in recent years that I would have liked to find another job, but they were only thoughts.  No serious decisions to be made. Even last December when we found out that they were going to sell our home, there was nothing to 'think' about.  We had to move, and so be it. And so, life as it was just chugged along.  

But now, as we approach this upcoming dark season, it will be different.  I'll be 66 years old in March.  I'd like to continue to work until I reach the full retirement age of 67.  I earned my benefits, and, by golly, I want the full amount I am entitled to.  But, as I settle into my Autumn years, health issues have begun to crop up, and the pain in my back just never goes away anymore. To be honest, I don't know how long I 'will' be able to carry on...and do I really want to or can I, continue to put myself through this every day?

Yes, this will be a season of decisions for me, important life-changing decisions. But for now, I will be content to sit back and enjoy the dawn.

While the earth is dark and grey
        How I laugh within:    I know
    In my breast what ardours gay
        From the morning overflow.
   
    Though the cheek be white and wet
        In my heart no fear may fall:
    There my chieftain leads, and yet
        Ancient battle-trumpets call.
   
    Bend on me no hasty frown
        If my spirit slight your cares:
    Sunlike still my joy looks down
        Changing tears to beamy airs.
   
    Think me not of fickle heart
        If with joy my bosom swells
    Though your ways from mine depart:
        In the true are no farewells.
   
    What I love in you I find
        Everywhere.    A friend I greet
    In each flower and tree and wind--
        Oh, but life is sweet, is sweet.
   
    What to you are bolts and bars
        Are to me the hands that guide
    To the freedom of the stars
        Where my golden kinsmen bide.
   
    From my mountain top I view:
        Twilight's purple flower is gone,
    And I send my song to you
        On the level light of dawn.

By George William Russell