This is Only a Test

If your teeth are clenched and your fists are clenched, your lifespan is probably clenched.  

--Terri Guillemets--

I hope that is all it is.  I've really been trying hard to keep a stiff upper lip, but I have to tell you, life has not  been easy lately.  I am trying to focus on Halloween, my favorite time of the year just to keep myself from screaming.  Hmmm!!!  Actually, maybe a good scream might do me some good about now.  But it just isn't easy.  I can't seem to find the fun anymore.

Too begin with, I just can't seem to keep up at my job, and perfectionist that I am, it's really getting to me.  When we made our move to the new office, we lost a few clients and our census went really low.  When the census goes low, we are in danger of losing our grant, hence a few workers, if not the program itself.  Fortunately, the building we moved in also houses our new 200 bed shelter so intakes have been coming in hot and heavy.  I've had 7 within the past two weeks, and have 3 more scheduled next week.  Actually, I am booked until mid-November so you can imagine how it feels to see no relief in sight.   

Each intakes involves quite a bit of paperwork, including a 19 page psychosocial.   One problem is that we are short of workers right now.  One of my co-workers has been out on sick leave...just had her colon removed.  And then, they let another one go on vacation for two weeks at the same time.  They take the nurse's caseload away and divvy it up between the rest of us so she can run more groups, but the fact is, the assign US more groups as well, so it's not as if this takes any of the load off us.  Oh, did I mention that, at this point, all these new clients are going to only three of us.

I was just telling hubby the other day that, no matter how miserable this job may be and how overworked I am, I am actually 'blessed' to have a job what with all the places closing up.  I happened to run into a co-worker from the last place I worked, and he was telling me how badly they were doing there and expressed fears of being out of a job.  This is happening all over the city.  My agency is in no danger, however, as we work very close with the mayor's office and the city, and they actually beg us to take over shelters that are failing to get them back on their feet again.

And then, there is my crazy landlady to contend with.  I've finally got to admit it, the woman is off the wall.  I'm tired of being put into the middle of things.  We're tenants, that's all.  I just want some peace in my life for the short time I am there.  Now she is calling, or should I say harassing since I do get a number of phone calls daily.  To make a long story short, there are two  storage rooms in the basement.  One belongs to my landlady and the other to the co-owner.  My landlady's storage unit was 'supposed' to be for me, but I never got to use it.  Well, it seems that the son who was blasting the D.J. equipment downstairs had busted her lock and set up his D. J. equipment in there.  

What she wants is for me to make a key to the front door (not our apartment) for her uncle and a friend of hers so they can come in and place a lock on her storage room.  The guy upstairs, her cousin) told us in no uncertain terms that if she asks for a key we shouldn't do it.  He said that all they had to do was ring his bell and he will let them in.  He's right, too.  These men are strangers and with a key, they can wander in and out of the house at will.  Personally, I don't feel comfortable with that.  But then, she does own the house and has the right to give a key to anyone she wishes.  And that's where my dilemma comes in.  If I give the key I run the risk of alienating the two sons who now have been very supportive of us...even the one with the D.J. equipment.  They realize that once we go, she's coming back, and they don't want that, so they are on their best behavior to keep us.

Besides, like I said, I don't like these men coming in and out, either.  And then, if I refuse to make the key and give it to them, she can get real mean and give us a short deadline to move out, but I know she just can't put us on the street.  She has to go to court first.  Then, I thought about her giving us a bad housing reference, but that's absurd  as well.  Why would she keep us for 15 years if we were such bad tenants?  It's just that I don't want to go through all the hassle of court or clearing my name, so I didn't pick up the phone last night, just listened to her voice mails (There were three of them and that's harassment).  And, I have to deal with this after busting my butt at work all day.  I broke down in tears last night the third time my phone rang.  I really don't know how to handle this.  Again, I am in the middle.  If I give the key, the brothers can make my life miserable; if I don't, she can.  I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  Need some advise from you guys and gals on this one.

On the housing front, we went to look at a place last night.  I loved the neighborhood.  It's close to transportation, stores, etc.  The place had such a good aura about it. The super was so great he actually set a lower price for the apartment.  I was giddy about it, and left with such a sense of fulfillment.  Then reality set in.  The place is way too small.   My son will be moving to Connecticut so that's not the problem.  The rooms were basically too small for my furniture, and I cannot afford to by new.   So, the search is on...and meanwhile I am forced to deal with the unnecessary stress of being the middle man of a feuding family.  

The following is a great definition of a difficult person and most fit my landlady to a tee.  I think we all can identify people like this.   A difficult person is one who:

Makes us lose our cool
Forces us to do things we don't want to do
Prevents us from doing what we want or need to do
Uses coercion or manipulation to get their way
Makes us feel guilty if we don't "go along"
Makes us do their share of the work. 

Basically, a difficult person, in short, is someone who creates difficulties for others.


Thanks for listening to me today. So sorry for complaining so much when all of you are trying to enjoy your Halloween.  I'm trying to, believe me I am. Being pulled by too many forces at once...both at home and at work.  And I am tired, just so tired.  Better days are coming.  I know.  I've been through hard times before only to find better times waiting on the other side. 


* Re: the furniture.  If it were furniture I could get rid of, I would gladly do it, but it's my kitchen table and a china closet that means the world to me.  The kitchen is too small for either and there is no room in the living room to have both the table and a sofa.