Criticism

Well, another Sunday has rolled around....a day to prepare for another week of work.  Sure does roll around quickly.  We've had a fairly nice weekend here.  Low humidity, bearable heat...but tomorrow, it will be right back up to the 90's.  All I can say is...WOW!!!!  

"He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help".--Abraham Lincoln


For those that don't know, I have a 25 year old stepson who suffers from mental illness.  He lived with us for awhile, but it didn't work out.  Sadly, it doesn't work out anywhere for this poor boy because as soon as his medication stabilizes him, he thinks he is cured, and he stops taking it. And don't try to make any suggestions; he doesn't want to hear it.  He listens to no one. He cannot deal with constructive criticism because he doesn't want to be told what to do.  After all, he is cured, isn't he? Sadly, he as deteriorated so badly that he will probably never live a normal life...let alone live on his own.  And, up until recently I was following the blog of another young man with mental illness...until he decided he didn't want anyone telling him what to do.  Again, the refusal to listen to constructive criticism.  So, what he did was privatize his blog and only accept those of his members who totally agreed with his every word....however wrong it may be. 

"Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions; but those who kindly reprove thy faults."--Socrates

At first I was angry.  How dare he cut me out of his life! All I wanted to do was help.  If I didn't care, I wouldn't be trying to steer him in the right direction.  I wouldn't care that his life was about to fall apart....but my friend is not alone in his not wanting to be told what to do. It's hard to listen to criticism...for any of us. If we are not prepared to accept it, it hurts.  It can burn a whole right down into our heart. ..no matter how constructive it is.  We all want to be praised for what we do, not criticized.  Criticism is perceived by many, including myself, as a personal attack...and the truth is, many times it just may be...the one who is criticizing us does not have our best interests at heart.  Indeed, their words are MEANT to be unkind, to hurt, to cause us pain.

There are two kinds of criticism-- positive and constructive criticism and negative and destructive criticism. All too often, we have been criticized so much in our lives that we cannot distinguish between the two.   So, how does one distinguish between the two.  First off, look at the intent behind it.  Negative criticism is focused on pointing out what is wrong with you without offering any constructive thoughts.  Constructive criticism may point out a fault, but also offers something constructive to aid the individual in finding their way.

Constructive criticism offers offers valid feedback by offering valid suggestions on things that can be improved and issues that can be avoided. It helps one to grow, to avoid those mistakes that could be deadly to one's being.  It is done not to ridicule...as negative criticism...but is done because one cares and has a genuine desire to help.  But that is not so easy to discern out here in blogland.  Here, we are offering our advice to someone who really doesn't know us, doesn't know what are motives are...doesn't know if we are genuinely trying to help or whether we are just trying to tell the individual how to run his/her life.  I work in a field of addiction and mental illness, I sometimes forget where one world ends and the other begins. 

Losing my blog friend has hurt, but also has also provided a valuable lesson to be learned...don't overstep my boundaries.  I think I have done fairly well with that, but something about my friend hit a chord; it hit too close to home, and I couldn't help myself from jumping in.  Too many times I have seen a client at my job exhibit the same symptoms as my blog friend so I reached out to help.  I meant well, but he didn't know that.  I was just another person in his life telling him what to do....and at this point in his life, that was not what he was after. 

So, my friends out there in blogland, if I should overstep my boundaries, please do let me know before cutting me out of your lives...and know, that it wasn't done to cause you pain.  I was done because I care.

Thanks for letting me share.  

A Little Sunshine in My Life

"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."--Sir James Barrie

Last night after I arrived home from work, there was an all too-familiar tap at my door.  It was the man upstairs, now 80.  He's been a pain in my 'you know where' since we moved here 12 years ago. I know that some of this is age, but it seems he has been a pretty miserable man for most of his life.  He and the co-owner of the house, my landlady, do not get along, and there are so many times he tries to put me in the middle of things.  They alternate paying the bills for the house...and he wants it done the moment it comes in.  She makes him wait to the last minute.  He will hi-light the bill and tape it to the front door and harass me that I should pay it and withhold it from the rent.  Now, if I knew she wasn't going to pay it, that's exactly what I would do, but I know the bill would be paid.  He's done other mean things like pull my cucumber vine off the fence...killing it, throwing wood and stuff on my plants. This is part of the reason why I no longer have a garden.  Which brings me to the reason for his visit.

Well, I took a deep breath opened the door.  I'd had a hard day at work and didn't know if I could handle a confrontation, but when I peered out, I saw that he had a box in his hand...and it was for me.  He said that it had arrived on Thursday, but I wasn't home...and since Thursday was my late night, he was asleep by the time I got home.  It was a box from Mother Moon.  Gosh, what a wonderful surprise, one that brought tears to my eyes.  I'm not used to people caring like this.  There was a jar of her homemade peach jam and another of spun sugar candy...something I haven't had since...gosh, I must of still been a kid.  


Thank you, Mother Moon.  Thank you for bringing some sunshine into my life. 

I love the above quotation by James Barrie. Sadly, so many of us spend our days wrapped up in our own lives seeking to enhance our own comfort, that we forget about the next person. We forget that they might need some sunshine, too. It truly is a special kind of person who seeks to bring joy into the lives of others...be it a smile, a morning hello...an offer to help someone to cross the street, or even getting up to give your seat to someone who is handicapped or elderly.  These are the simple and cost-free ways we we can bring a little sunshine into the lives of other. 

In this life, what you give, is what you get.  When we spend our lives looking for ways to satiate our own pleasure with little regard for others, we find that that very happiness becomes more and more illusive. Happiness comes more often to those who do not seek it than to those who are obsessed with their own pleasure.  This doesn’t mean that we should deny ourselves the pleasures of life.  It simply means that, in addition to pursuing our own pleasures, we should also try to find ways to bring a little sunshine into the lives of those around us. 

We are all traveling along the same road of life, albeit by different paths, but we will find that journey so much more pleasant when we reach out to help one another.  None of us is an island; we all have periods of weakness when we need a helping hand from someone else, and we should be willing to offer a hand of assistance to others whenever the need and the opportunity arises.  Our goal in life should not be focused solely on ourselves, but instead, it should be focused on improving the lives of both ourselves and those with whom we come in contact with. A cheerful outlook, a sense of humor, and lots of love for our fellow man will light the world with joy and peace.

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.--Joseph Addison

The Eye of Kanaloa

Wow, another Friday.  Can't believe it....not that I'm complaining, mind you.  Tomorrow won't be so restful; it's my cooking weekend, but if I get an early enough start, I can be done by 2 or 3pm.  It's rough on the day I have to do all the cooking, but it sure does help not to have to come home and cook every night. So, that's MY plans for the weekend.  Oh, yeah, son will be away for the weekend and hubby will be visiting his son, so I'll pretty much have the day to myself.  I cherish my alone-time.  I came across a very interesting symbol in Huna magic, I wanted to share it with you.  It is called the "Eye of Kanaloa", a very ancient symbol which you see when you gaze into the eye of Kanaloa.

In Hawaiian mythology, Kanaloa is the god of the ocean; he is associated with the Underworld and is recognized as a teacher of magic.  He is typically associated with Kane, the god of creation, and the two are said to journey together, sipping on the sacred drink of 'awa...a drink made from the root of the 'awa, a very revered Hawaiian plant. Legends state that Kanaloa became the leader of the first group of spirits 'spit out' by the gods.  In time, he led them into a rebellion in which the spirits were defeated by the gods and as punishment, were tossed into the underworld.

The Eye of Kanaloa is an esoteric symbol associated with the Huna teachings. It is a powerful healing symbol.  It consists of a seven-pointed star that is surrounded by four concentric circles  that are regularly divided by eight lines radiating from the inner-most to the outer-most circle. According to tradition, if you looked into the eye of Kanaloa, you would see the pattern to your right.  This pattern is said to represent the Web of Life, the symbolic connection of all things to each other.  In this aspect, the star at the center is the spider/shaman; it represents the Higher Self.  One point of this star is always facing down...representing the connection of the inner with the outer.  

The Eye of Kanaloa symbol generates a subtle kind of energy which is called ki.  This energy can be used for healing as well as for many other purposes.  Most people can sense the energy; it feels like a tingle, a pressure, or a coolness if it is brought close to the forehead, hand, or cheek.  Placing the symbol in any place such as a room or office has the effect of renewing the emotional energies of the place and bringing it back into harmony.  Access the energy directly through meditative gazing or holding the symbol near something that needs harmonizing. The Eye of Kanaloa is both symbolic and actual. It is considered the shaman's Stargate.  Come to think of it, it certainly does look like a Stargate, doesn't it?  Try the following little exercise.

Begin by focusing  your attention on the center of the symbol, focus on the seven-pointed star. Notice the circles or rings within the star. 

Gently close your eyes now and take notice the level of darkness. Now, with your eyes still closed, raise your eyebrows; notice that the darkness becomes a little brighter. This occurs because you have been putting some pressure on the area in the center of the eyebrows, the Eye of Kanaloa. This is the actual light of the star within the eye of Kanaloa. Some call this 'The Third Eye'.  It is the seat of wisdom, the spiritual eye. This energy radiates as the lights of the seven principles or seven centers that make up the body.  

When we unravel the symbolism of the Eye, Kanoaloa signifies the core self, the seat of our will.  The eight wheel spokes branching out from the center represent mana or spiritual power.  The four concentric circles represent the spirit of aloha or love. The dot in the middle of the star symbolizes aumakua or The Higher Self; it is ringed by lono, the mental self. The seven arms of the star depict the seven principles of huna.  The circle of Ku or the subconscious encloses the star. 

All in all, the Eye of Kanaloa is associated with life-giving, healing properties and meditating on its symbol, hanging it in a room, or wearing it as a personal accessory energizes and brings peace and power to the space or the wearer.

To download a full-sized printable version of the Eye of Kanaloa 

Eye of Kanaloa

Hoping you all have a wonderful, peaceful, and joy-filled weekend.

Forgiving the Hurt

"Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."-- Ann Landers

Last night when I arrived  home, there was a message on my answering machine.  (Yes, I still have one of those old-fashioned gadgets and a wall phone).  The message was from one of my hubby's sisters, and the message was in Spanish.  Immediately, I felt a knot in my stomach and felt my face redden in anger.  In a flash, my lovely evening was ruined.  Now I was tense...stressed...angry.  

Hubby comes from a large family...19 brothers and sisters, no twins. Can you imagine being pregnant all those years?  Yikes!!!  Well, some of his family I have never met.  Out of the some that I have met, most are  wonderful,warm people...but there are two  sisters...one of whom left that message...who are the most miserable of people on this earth. The speaking in Spanish is nothing new.  It's actually done on purpose...it is her way of letting me know that I am not accepted, that I am not a part of...even though hubby and I have been together for 19 years. Is there a reason for this?  No.  Did I do anything offensive to them?  No.  In fact, I bent over backwards to make them like me..but, because I have befriended one of the sisters that they can't stand, I've shunned ever since. 

I find it ironic that she should call on a day when I posted about letting go. Perhaps it is the universe's way of telling me I had to forgive and let go.  You see, I actually thought I had let go many years, but as the anger anger continued to build up it suddenly hit me.  I haven't really let it go; all I had done was to put distance between us, not forgiven.  The anger had gone underground, Out of sight, out of mind, but the anger was still there...still inside festering...ready to erupt at a moment's notice as it did last night.  Gosh, I wonder, is it even possible to forgive?

We all sometimes need to let go of people.  During the course of our lives, relationships come and go.  Hey, that's the natural flow of life, and for some people, it is easy to move on.  But for others, like me, it can be so difficult.  I hate to let go...no matter how much someone has hurt me.  Perhaps it's because I literally grew up with no family to suddenly find myself in an enormous family...that I wanted all to except me.  Is it because of the loneliness I experienced as a child?  Is my desire for a family, for sisters so great that I allow others, who obviously don't feel my need, to walk all over me and cause pain.  Why is it that I cannot let go?


Have you ever noticed how, whenever we have been hurt by someone, we relive the interaction over and over again and again, all the time only fanning the flames of anger.  Sometimes we may resist forgiving because we feel that, in a way, if we do we are condoning the hurtful actions or behaviors of others.  What we forget is that forgiving is something we do for ourselves, not for the other. When we lack forgiveness, it is derived from resentment, and resenting a person does nothing to the person we resent, but it always damages us. When you look at the big picture, the person whom you have not forgiven owns you, you are bound to that person by an emotional link.  This held true for me last night when I allowed this person to take control of my evening. I allowed her into my space. Forgiving and forgetting are two different situations.  What is important is how we release ourselves from a situation that is no longer working for us.   By forgiving, we reclaim energy that we had been pouring into keeping alive an old issue.  Will I ever learn to forgive her?  I don't know.  Will I forget?  In all honesty, I have to say, "I don't think so." 

"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions."-- Gerald Jampolsky

Wednesday Ramble

Oh, my, Wednesday already.  Can't believe we are already half through the work week.  Now, this is too fast for me.  Sorry, but time 'really' does have to slow up some; I'm getting confused about what day it is.  Why, I am still back in July. 

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."-- Gloria Naylor--


Do you remember awhile back I wrote about an online support group that was really helpful to me when I quit smoking?  And how I was feeling poorly because people weren't responding to my posts?  Many of you commented that perhaps it was time to move on from there rather than suffer ill feelings.  Well, I didn't listen...glutton for punishment that I am. Maybe that's the wrong way of putting it, but I have always been one to hang on to people, places, and things that were not so beneficial to my well-being.  Besides, I have always been a caregiver, a people-pleaser.  I HAD to be there to welcome all the newcomers.  I HAD to be there to get into every conversation and offer my advice.  And, believe me, giving back is a part of recovery...giving back what others gave to you...so it wasn't something BAD I wanted to do.  I wanted to help.  I wanted to tell people how "I" did it, how "I" got over my nicotine addiction.(control)

I just never figured that maybe they didn't need me to do that.  Maybe this was THEIR time; maybe they needed a chance to bond together just as I had with the members who were there for me.  In my zest to help, I didn't even seem to notice that the others who were there with me had disappeared, that they only popped in once in awhile to say 'hi' or announce their latest milestone.  "I" was the only one who was insisting on being there day after day.  Finally, I realized it was time to let go. It was one day last week that I went to check messages.  The night before had been rather busy, and I had responded to every single message, but you know what?  No one had responded to me.  I had become invisible.  It hurt to the core, and tears welled in my eyes.  They're not 'mean' people; they don't realize they are hurting me.  It's like I am a college student and they a group of high school freshman, and here I am trying to horn in and be one of the crowd.

I didn't leave the group.  No, I want to be there when one of the oldsters comes back and calls out my name in roll call so I can say "Here, and doing well."  I want to be there just in case my quit buddy comes back...to let her know it can be done...and best of all, I want the opportunity to go back each year and announce my anniversary.  I won't lie to you, though.  It hasn't been easy.  Since I left I saw many new messages that said, "Hi, I am new." and at first I almost jumped to respond, but now, I let them have their space...and it's getting easier and easier...just like any other addiction you are recovering from.  It gets easier as time goes on.  I love the following quote.  It says it all. Thank you for letting me share today.



"You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind."-- Author Unknown--

Tuesday Archetype

Friday was the last day for one of our college interns, and I was asked if I would kindly run her group for the next couple of weeks until someone can take her place.  Of course, before I agreed, I made sure to get a promise that this would not be permanent for me as I already have four groups while there are others who only have two groups.  Oh, well, but that's another story altogether.

Closure is always hard on our clients so I allowed them to utilize the first part of the group to share their feelings about her leaving.  Some were downright sad over the fact, while others seemed to care less...there were those who never really felt comfortable with her anyway...and then eventually, there came the usual remark, "I wasn't comfortable with her anyway.  I want a counselor who has been where I am at, who knows what I have gone through.  You can't learn about life from a book."  True, but not in all cases.  Some college interns have had a life far rougher than the clients themselves.  You just can't judge a book by its cover.  Okay, where am I going with this?  How does this relate to archetypes?

So, the next question was...and I already knew it was coming was, "What about you, Mary?.  Are you an addict?"  Now, this question has been asked many times, and self-disclosure is never really encouraged as it seems to weaken whatever boundaries there are between professional and client.  I've seen it happen; the counselor becomes the object of client gossip...not good.  So, what do I say when asked?  Do I refuse to answer?  That doesn't go over too well, either.  I can say something like, "We are here for you, not for me."  But, somehow that sounds kind of cold and distant. 

So, instead I usually respond that we're all addicts in one way or the other.  The fact is that each of us is touched by the Addict Archetype.  Besides drugs, alcohol, sex or food, we become addicted to work, computers, exercise, television, shopping...the list goes on. We can also be addicted to actions such as manipulating others, rescuing others, feeling sad. Yes, some people actually thrive on being sad.  It brings them lots of attention. The fact is, we live in an addictive society; the addict archetype has a field day with us.

Archetypes are those mysterious little stereotypical characters and energy forms that reside in our unconsciousness, affecting our thoughts and actions....for better or for worse. We read their stories in the mythology of the ancient peoples. They have become a part of our collective unconscious. The Celtic tale of Queen Maeve is a perfect example of the addict archetype, a mythic archetype representing the binding pattern of addiction and the liberating power of acknowledgement and the soul's sovereignty. It is in this archetype that the shadow attribute of many archetypes becomes overwhelming, and the addict becomes anxious, depressed, and destructive.  The good new is that the archetypes and the mythological stories that give them life can by used as tools for healing. 

I can become addicted to anything.  I've got what they call an Addictive Personally.  Twenty years ago, I beat my addiction to alcohol, only to start drinking 20 cups of coffee a day...then that addiction changed to....You get the picture. I've been addicted to nail polish, to lipstick, books, cologne...not a danger to self per se, but when you cannot have enough it becomes addiction. Last year I beat nicotine...the last of my killer addictions.  This year I stopped the daily scratch off games.  I am still addicted to television and the computer, but that's okay because it helped me to meet all of you.  See, some addictions are positive...which also brings me to something else.

For the past week, the idea of a new blog (yes, you heard me right) has been playing over and over in my head. I am an addict; I admit it. I tried ignoring it, but then it began coming to me in my sleep.  I held off thinking it would go away, just as other blog ideas have, but the urge only grew stronger...so, I eventually I gave in; it was something that was meant to be.  I know, I know...but I have been sorting through my blogs and wonder which to keep and which will go.  Anam Cara is gone; it will be condensed into Finding Fairyland. The others will probably become a once a week post. 

So, you are all invited to check out the latest blog and take a trip down the Nile.   Shadows of the Nile

So tell me, when thinking of the Addict Archetype, what is your addiction?

The Seven Shamanic Talents

Good morning.  Hard to believe that Monday has rolled around all ready, and a new work week has begun.  Gosh, I almost called in sick today.  It's so beautiful out, but it's not as if I would do anything special, so I figured to save a day off until it rainy.  Nothing more relaxing than lying in your bed and listening the the sounds of the rain as it batters against the window.  Sadly, we haven't had that kind of rain lately.  We get a small rain shower, but nothing more.  

So, today we are going to take a look at the Seven Shamanic Talents.  These are derived from the seven principles and represent essential skills that we need to develop rather than specific techniques we should learn.

Seeing: (The world is what you think it is.) This represents the ability to operate in the world from the perspective of the principles, to see things from that viewpoint rather than in the ordinary way.

Clearing: (There are no limits)  This means keeping the connections clear between all parts of yourself and the universe around you.  This is done by continually releasing mental and physical stress and tension ans well as remembering to bring other aspects of yourself and the world into conscious awareness.

Focusing: (Energy flows where attention goes.)  This involves keeping your intentions, objectives and goals in mind....which means a frequent review of your motivations for doing what you do.

Presence: (Now is the moment of power.) Remain in the present moment as much as you can.  The greater your presence, the greater your influence and effectiveness.  

Blessing: (To love is to be happy with.) To bless is to reinforce actual or potential good by words, images, or deeds.  Something as simple as wishing someone to "Have a good day" is an example of a blessing.  Remember, too, that telepathic blessings can be effective as well.

Empowering: (All power comes from within.) We empower something whenever we attribute any kind of power to it.  Take crystals, for example.  Many people empower them to get more benefit from their usage.  Sometimes we may empower something by attributing human qualities to nonhuman entities or objects.  Many people do this with their automobiles.  Keep in mind that the skill of empowering also implies the skill of disempowering.  For example, the Shaman will disempower evil by depersonifying it so that they can learn to harmonize it. You will find that with practice you can empower or disempower anything at all....people, places...things...the past...or the future.

Dreamweaving: (Effectiveness is the measure of truth.) The Shaman can not only weave dreams for himself, but also can help others to do the same.  This is called Shamanic Healing. The goal is to have a 'healer's attitude' and to take healing action...mentally or physically over every situation  you encounter.