Drag
your thoughts away from your troubles--by the ear, by the heels,
or any
other way you can manage it. It's the healthiest thing a body can
do.
Mark
Twain
Good morning, all. As Friday rolls around, I wish I could just sit in and do nothing today. Been such a busy, but fun week. My body is calling for my rocking chair, but it's bill time again so I'm off to the bank this morning. Seems like these months pass quicker and quicker.
My blogger friends, I have a dilemma and really need your advice. How do you handle an online stalker? Well, I call her a stalker, but she really is just a lonely depressed woman who has infiltrated herself into my life. I met her in a FB group I belonged to. It was one of those gift and card exchange groups, and it was fun for awhile. Then, at one point, the group leaders asked if any of us would like a penpal. I already had several but I agreed. It's fun receiving 'snail mail'. Well, the penpal they chose for me became my stalker.
So, why do I call her my stalker, you may ask? Well, it all started out normal enough, but then I noticed she was joining all the groups I belong to. Next, she friended my son, followed by his girlfriend. Next it was one of my other online friends. Now I see she has friended my son's friend who went with us to the party the other night. I have to wonder how many more of my friends she tried to become friends with. She speaks of me, my hubby and my children as if we are HER family. And it's like she sits at her computer all day waiting for me to post something because the moment I do, she is there with a comment. As far as being a penpal, she writes me a letter every single day and then tries to make me feel guilty that I don't write her as often. I finally had enough of it and asked her to stop trying to make me feel bad, that I write her as often as I can.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel creepy about the whole thing. I feel as if she is trying to live vicariously through me, and I don't want that. This is MY life. And I know that she is very super sensitive so I am careful not to hurt feelings. She messaged me one day and said she was really going to need me for the week because her sister, who doesn't live with her, was going away to see her daughter. In a nice way I told her that I cannot always be available for her because I lead a busy life and spoke to her at length as to how we are responsible for our own happiness, suggesting that she finds things to do, like going to the park, rather than sitting in her house getting more and more depressed. Thought that might help her, but the next thing I know she is asking for my phone number. No way.
And, I guess it is harmless because she lives several states away and will never be able to travel here. But I just don't feel comfortable. How would you handle this situation without sending her into a deep depression? Or should I just let it be and stop letting it bother me so much. Am I making too much out of it? Need some advice.
Have a wonderful weekend.
You've stated your boundaries considerately. The thing to do is stick to them. If she continues to try to make you feel bad in her letters, you can say that you do not respond to letters that make you feel bad (or you can just ignore those letters, or all her letters). Keep your phone number to yourself. Nothing you do will send her into a deep depression - her own inaction might, but that is not your concern. You have offered helpful ideas and advice, and her refusal to pay any attention shows that she is not really interested in changing her condition. She just wants to keep the ball in the air, and doesn't believe that she can do so (or doesn't want to do so) unless it involves making you feel committed to her in some way. It's okay to refuse increased communication politely - you don't have to make excuses, and you can still be friendly and supportive within the boundaries that you have explicitly set. It is weirdly reminiscent of a boyfriend who won't take no for an answer, and you have no obligation to accommodate someone else's standards for friendship - a friendship has to be a win-win situation where the participants acquiesce to one-another's stated boundaries, or it isn't a friendship at all, imho.
ReplyDeleteYou can limit what she sees on FB, for one thing, through your privacy settings and you can ask your son, his girlfriend, and others to either block or unfriend her (she doesn't get any notification)-- she doesn't need to be seeing their info anyway. Marsha is right that you are not responsible for her depression or her actions! And absolutely do not give out phone. Stick to your boundaries, yes. It sounds like the woman has some big issues and is very lonely...but you can't fix that.
ReplyDeleteFirst name begin with a K?
ReplyDeleteAs of now I haven't got a request from anyone, but will keep that info in the forefront.
Wish I had some answers for you my friend.
(((hugs)))