Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Letting Go

 Periods of change are full of paradoxes.  They're difficult but exciting,
frightening but freeing.  Letting go of old patterns that
no longer work for us is exhilarating.

Sue Patton Thoele

Good morning dear blog friends. Not much to report today. Yesterday was rather nondescript. I didn't go to the Center. I think I am becoming disenchanted with the place, and after the interns leave next week, I will be even more disenchanted.  I've met some wonderful people there, yes, but I want more. I'm tired of playing bingo, and aside from reminisce group, I can't relate in any other group.  

So I stayed home yesterday and did some laundry instead. It is such a pleasure to have a machine at home. Sorted through some spring items and packed some items in a bag to take to the thrift store. Of course, I threw my items on top of a few of hubby's size small dress shirts. He's actually and extra large now. Don't know why he wants to save them. Even if he does lose weight he won't be returning to work anymore.  Neither one of us will.

Hubby wasn't doing well yesterday.  He was having trouble breathing.  He's on three medications and sometimes they just don't work.  So far he has been able to manage without oxygen, but I fear he will be needing it soon.  Don't know how this summer's humidity is going to affect him.  

Speaking of work, it hit me yesterday as I was doing some sorting that I am no longer a CASAC. I had worked so hard to get it. After working all day I'd race off to attend classes. I got off at 5 in Brooklyn, and classes started at 6. With the train ride, there wasn't even any time to stop for dinner so I usually munched on a sandwich on the subway. School let out at 10. The next day was the same thing. But it was something that I really, really wanted, and if you want something bad enough, you are willing to sacrifice to get it. 

It took me almost three years. And then, on the day of the test, I had the flu. I was so sick, and it was such a cold day out. But to cancel would have been to pay another hundred dollars and wait until the next test. The school where I was supposed to take the exam was way off the beaten path, and I got lost. And then, when I finally found it, I came upon a group of men who were milling around outside. I stopped and asked one of them, "Is this where they are giving the CASAC exam?" "No," he responded. "This is for the sanitation exam."  

"Oh no,I am really going to be late," I thought as I began walking around the school.  Perhaps it was at another entrance.    It was then that I discovered that the school was hosting a number of exams that day, and the CASAC was one of them. Well, to make a long story short, I eventually found my room and stood in front of three stone-faced test monitors.  I realize they were only doing as they were told, show no emotion, but when one is as sick as I was that day, a little sympathy would have gone a long way. 

Needless to say, despite all the sneezes, sniffles, runny eyes, cold chills, and headache, three weeks later I checked online, and I was a CASAC.  And for a good many years, that determined  who I was in my career.  That certificate  distinguished me as a 'qualified health professional'.  And as of my birthday on March 23rd, I am that no more.  My certificate expired, and there is no going back.  That part of my life is truly over.  

It is so hard right now to put my feelings into words. It's not that I am planning to return to work.  I love my retirement.  Besides, counseling is not as rewarding as it once was.  Now it is all about the paperwork.  There is no time to help the client. There is no time, too much stress,  It's just that the finality of the whole thing that through me for a loop. Just another reminder of a life that was.

Thanks for letting me share today.

The Tao Te Ching says, When I let go of what I am, I become whatI might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.

Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them
after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go.
Let go, in order to achieve. Letting go is God's law.

Mary Manin Morrissey

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