Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Oh Boy! What is One to Do?

 “Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

 Charles Jones.

Dear friends, today is a special day.  It is the last full day of Winter.  Spring arrives tomorrow, and I know that most of us have been waiting for this day.  It has been a long, cold winter, and although the temps are set to drop again next week, just knowing that Spring is here will make it so much easier.

Well, I got some news last night...some good, the other not what I wanted to hear.  As for the good, my sister-in-law is doing well.  She is now on a clear diet and holding food down. Her attitude has changed, and she is no longer saying good-bye to everyone.  I can only hope that she has decided to fight One needs the will to live to have a chance in the battle that stands before her.   

Now for the bad news.  Barbara has not only taken her abusive husband back.  It seems he has been back almost a week now, and the honeymoon is over.  Yesterday he hit her and gave her a bloody nose. He deleted her Facebook page and all of her pictures.  He threatens to have her kids taken away if she puts him out.  He is a monster.  She is such a good mother.  Those kids are her life, and he knows it, so he uses it against her.  I asked her what he could possibly have on her.  From what I have seen no one could ever be a better mother to those kids than she is. 

So, what is making her so afraid?

Well, it seems that last year when he stabbed her, he was sentenced to some time in jail (not enough in my book) and Barbara was placed into safe housing. (I had always wondered why she moved totally out of her borough).  At this time she was told by ACS that if she took him back they would remove her children.  So why, if she is such a good mother, would she take him back knowing that her children might be removed? Why would ANY woman stay with such an abusive man.

Love.  Low self-esteem.  Neediness.  Hope. Belief that he is changed. All play a role in why a woman would take such a man.  She fell in love. He is a smooth talker and wise in all the wrong ways.  He is able to read Barbara like a book. He knows that she grew up as the 'unwanted' daughter, that she had always been told she is the less pretty of the two, the one least likely to succeed.  He knows that what Barbara needs most in this world is to feel loved.  He knows her weaknesses, and he plays on them.  

After abusing their wives or girlfriends, almost all abusive men show up with flowers and promises that it will NEVER happen again.  They sweet talk the woman into believing them, and she takes him back.  The cycle begins again.  This man is different.  There is no sweet talk.  There are no flowers.  There are only threats.  He is a brute and a bully, a hateful man.  He is arrogant and evil. He has no remorse. He is a sociopath. He turns my stomach.  

At this point my hands are pretty much tied.  I can be there for her when she needs someone to listen.  I can offer her advice.  I can educate her on the things I have learned from my years of working with both victims and batterers.  I can offer her resources, people to call and places to go.  And I can pray and hope she listens to me before it is too late. but love can be so blind.  (Sigh)

   “Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that approximately 3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year in the United States.”

Dianne Feinstein


  1. I'm so excited for Spring - I'm beyond ready!

    I'm terribly sorry to hear about Barbara. I don't understand what makes a person return to an abuser. A person's path is their choice, even if it kills us to watch them walk back into harm's way.

    Hugs to you.

  2. Oh Mary, it hurts my heart to hear what Barbara is going through. Now she's going to be afraid of the system because they threatened to take her children if she took this animal back. Sorry he's no man if he hits a woman. So here she is stuck between a rock and hard place. I would think they would want to help her instead of taking the kids from her, but at the same time I understand they want to protect the children. But who is going to protect her? This is such a hard situation and she deserves so much better.
    I pray the angels watch over and guide her and the children, may the Goddess keep them safe.