A Little Wednesday This and That

The wise stand out, because they see themselves as part of the Whole.

They shine, because they don't want to impress.

They achieve great things, because they don't look for recognition.

Their wisdom is contained in what they are, not their opinions.

They refuse to argue, so no-one argues with them.

Lao Tzu

Good morning on this fine Autumn day, and a fine day it is indeed.  I'm off to the Center this morning for a little bingo and socialization.  It will probably be fairly slow there today for they are off on their monthly trip to Atlantic City. I chose not go this time around.  I have to remember I am on a limited budget, especially since the union has not kicked in yet with my pension.  They keep finding little things to stall it, and my fear is that I will have to start all over again.  The application must be redone after 6 months. I first applied in June.  That gives me a little leeway, but not much.  And I have decided if they find something else to return my application for, I will have no choice but to contact Legal Aid.  It is getting rather petty now and seems as if they are purposely making me wait. Last time I had to fill out a form and have it signed in front of a notary that I wasn't married and tell me it will be at least 30 days before they process it.  Heck, even if I was, it would not be my husband's business.  After all, I am the one who worked for it. And all these thirty day waits are adding up.

Now I know I have probably raised some questions.  After all, I am always talking about hubby.  Well, we never really got legally married, not that we didn't want to, but, at first couldn't because Social Security was sending benefits to my sons which would stop if I got married. Then,when my sons were older, and the payments were stopped, we still had to hold off because of my ex's residual payments and now, our Social Security benefits. Wow, when you look at it, it's amazing how much control they have over us and our lives...and acquaintances have said, it's only money, getting married should be more important.  Well, if you love each other, a piece of paper isn't going to matter.  We've been together now  for 22 years, and we are still as starry-eyed with each other as we were on the day we met. 

Yesterday I attended a lecture on 'Nutrition and Food Safety'. Since I found out I wasn't really as healthy as I thought I was, nutrition has been my big thing.  In fact, I have taken a number of courses on nutrition, health, and healing,  and hope to earn a certificate. What I will do with it, I don't know, but I am always into  learning something new, and retirement has opened up so many doorways for me.

I've been asked to serve on a committee to change the by-laws at the Center.  What that entails, I will be sure to let you know.  Needless to say, I was honored for the invitation.  I've been loving every moment of my retirement, but the one thing I know I have been lacking is that feeling of being 'needed', of being a part of an organization.  After all,work has played such a huge part in my life, and I find hard sometimes to think of myself on the other side...from counselor to client.  

Speaking of work, I have to say the old saying 'out of sight, out of mind' holds true.  During my last weeks on the job, everyone was talking about 'how much they were going to miss me and how sorry they were to see me go'.  Yeah, right!!!  If they miss me so much, why doesn't one person call and ask how I am doing.  In fact, I called my boss twice to say hello and left messages, and he never returned my call.  Maybe three weeks ago the receptionist called to see how I was doing, and I had to say it.  I mentioned that I felt forgotten.  She then put me through to the co-worker I shared an office with for almost ten years, and she had the nerve to say, "I was thinking about you today and was going to give you a call".  'And you must think I was born yesterday.' I wanted to say, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Then, the day after the call from the receptionist,  one person  texted me twice to ask how I am doing, yet, when I responded and asked the same, he never answered me back. This happened twice. This is the person I trained when he was just an intern.  Hey, buddy, don't you realize that that is just as hurtful as not writing at all?  To me it says you really don't care enough. If I text someone and ask how they are, I will be sure to respond to them when they answer me back.  How about you?

Yes, I am hurt and angry, and somewhat depressed, because it makes me feel that I never really mattered.  I know that I have to let it go, I have to et them go.  I have new life now, new friends, and I am happy.  But I am also missing what I left behind ,and now I must let the hurt feelings go as well.  And I know it will take some time; after all, they were a big part of my life, and it hasn't been that long. But, I just wish someone would pick up the phone and say, "How are you?  I am just letting you know that you are missed." (Sigh) Letting go is so hard to do, but I know I will be all right. I just have to keep the focus that these were co-workers, not friends.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.

Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.

It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.

It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which

we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means

taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,

and love, as much as possible.

Melody Beattie