Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Rainy Day

The day is cold and dark and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold and dark and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining:
Thy fate is the common fate of all:
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

Henry W. Longfellow

I told my boss yesterday that I am leaving, and he broke down in tears.  I knew he would feel the loss, but I didn't expect him to take it that hard.  We've worked together for 13 years now, first in my previous job and this one now.  He was totally understanding and told me he was expecting it.  He said, "I realize how stressful it is here, and I know you are not well.  I knew I was going to lose you, but I kept hoping I didn't."  We then sat and chatted about the other staff members and the various health problems they are having since we moved to this new office, and he admitted he is fearful of losing more of his staff, but he doesn't know what to do. The problem is is that there is no place to find any serenity there, no place to just be alone and take a few deep breaths to get yourself together.  We're sitting in little cubicles of four with no barrier to keep clients away.  And as many times as you tell them to go to the front desk and call, it goes in one ear and out the other.  Needless to say, I am glad it is out in the open.

I didn't fare too well at the doctors.  It seems the lab, an outside lab, lost the most important test for my medical clearance.  Being that the lungs are involved, it is super important that I am not a bleeder, and that is the test that will show it.  The nurse told me she would be in early on Thursday, and she will draw my blood so I don't have to go back to the lab.  All this running around is taking its toll.  My blood pressure is still up, and now I sit and wonder if all this is happening for a reason.  Remember the fiasco with the EKG? And now the lost vial of blood.  I know I need this biopsy but I have to wonder why so much is going wrong.

My ear has been plugged up for several days now, the first time in 66 years I ever had a problem with my ears.  According to the doctor, I have a huge ball of wax in there.  She told me to get Debrox drops, and in case there is no improvement in two days, she gave me a referral to an ENT.  It seems like there is always something now that I am older.

Hubby didn't fare well at his doctor's appointment either.  His emphysema is bad.  He is getting no air at the bottom of his lungs, and there is nothing that can be done at this point except to make him comfortable.  The pulmonologist was angry that his doctor did not follow up on this since he was hospitalized in 2009.  Had he been placed on medication and monitored, the process could have slowed.  So, now he has been placed on a number of medications, will begin therapy to learn breathing exercises, and, if no improvement with these medications, oxygen.  

Retirement cannot come soon enough.  Too much time is being wasted now, too much time apart.  I honestly don't know why I didn't start this process sooner.  I guess I hated to give up, or perhaps I had a fear of reaching another stage of my life. But, since that time I have come to realize that retirement is not an ending, it is a new beginning. Fifty-one years ago I stepped into my first job, and now I am ending my last one.  Life has come full circle.

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us
tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden
over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses
that are blooming outside our windows today.

Dale Carnegie


  1. Oh, what a stressful time for you! I guess this is absolute confirmation about your retirement. Hoping and praying that things get easier very soon!

  2. Hang in there with those medical tests, Mary!

  3. Well Mary...sounds like your platter is full.
    I'm so glad you've gotten the talk with your boss over with and it was well received. Onward and upward from there...
    Having a plugged ear is so irritating...hopefully the drops work. I'm also grateful that your nurse will be drawing your blood so you don't have to go through that scenario again...unfortunately stuff happens and things get lost, even in the best of hospitals and clinics. We just have to remember to breathe through it all. No sense borrowing what-ifs or worrying. We have to keep your blood pressure in check, girl! :)
    Your hubby will feel better right away with those meds but it concerns me that they haven't put him on oxygen right away, anyway.
    Are they monitoring his oxygen levels? I hope so. Hubby would feel so much better on oxygen...and I say that from personal experience and living it daily. You can give me a shout if you have any questions.
    Hang tough Sister...there are better days ahead...it doesn't help when it is gloomy and rainy outside either...but behind those clouds are beautiful rays of sunshine! :)
    I love ya!

  4. My heart aches for you both Mary, for I only wish the best for you and your hubby.

  5. Hi Mary....I really do not know what to say here other than I'm sending you positive thoughts for both you and your soul mate. BTW.....don't ignore the ear things Mary....I have had to have my ears cleaned for the last two years now as I would get infections and they would not clear up. Please put your foot down....tell them you are in incredible pain...and get referred to an ENT doc.....I know you will speak up for yourself as you are one strong lady.

    hugs to you,

  6. I am sure I am among many who continue to hold you consistently in their thoughts and intentions as you navigate these difficult waters. (May I say that you do so with grace? You do.)

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