Self-Acceptance

We do not see things as they are.
We see them as we are.

~ The Talmud ~

Well, today I can honestly say that my vacation has finally begun.  Yesterday was a day filled with work...food shopping and cooking...but today...today is a different story.  Today is a day of rest...and I plan to take full advantage of it.  Already I have slept until 9:30 am; it's been so long that I've done that that I cannot even remember the last time it was.

There is one bit of work that I do plan to do in this upcoming week is to start getting some of the fall clothes ready and packing the ones from summer that I know will not be worn again this year...and sorting those that I haven't worn for years.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I have clothing that I love, clothing that I have never been able to part with...clothing in a size 10....and I am a size 2X. It's been many a year since I was able to squeeze into those size 10's, yet, in the hopes that I will lose SO much that I will be able to wear them again (I know, irrational thinking), I dig them out, only to pack them away. 

Is it really the clothes I love so much?  Or is it the fact that they represent what I once was?  Am I that unhappy with who I am?  This year, I have decided to let them go...once and for all. I've grown this year, and not all of it has to do with weight.  I've grown inside, in my soul.  I have to learn how to accept that life is a series of changes...both inside and out.  Our hair turns gray and our faces wrinkle....and our weight usually increases.  And this is something that we all must learn to accept.

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you.
All they show is limitation.
Look with your understanding,
find out what you already know,
and you'll see the way to fly.
--Richard Bach--
(from 'Johnathan Livingstone Seagull') ~ 
 

Self-acceptance.  Many of us look into the mirror and find that we do not like what we see. So, we battle constantly with ourselves as we try to alter who we really are.  And the media doesn't help with its images of so-called perfection that we are constantly exposed to on television and in books and magazines; it's no wonder we are sometimes left with such feelings of imperfection that we make ourselves unhappy by striving for that outer beauty that may  never be.  And, while we may gain by self-improvement in certain ways, we forget that the basic core of self is perfectly fine, the true beauty comes from within.

To judge ourselves so harshly or to dismiss our importance is to deny the happiness that is inherently ours.  Just as we cannot draw water from a rock, we cannot obtain true happiness when we do not like who we are. And when we do not like who we are, we continuously belittle ourselves and reject ourselves, creating an environment that mirrors all of our negative thoughts rather than enhances and helps us to achieve the positive, self-enhancing life we so desperately want.
  
Sure, I'll admit it.  For many years I was that person, but I have come to realize that time passes so quickly, and so much of it can be wasted if we are always worried about what we see when we look into the mirror...our outer shell, nothing more, for that is all it is.  It's not really who we are.  I have learned that whatever you have right now, accept it. That is who you are, who your were meant to be. With the wisdom of age I have realized that it is what is inside that truly counts. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and those who have beauty in their soul, will see more beauty in the world around them.  I choose to see the beauty all around me.

The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen nor touched
but are felt in the heart.

--Helen Keller--

Autumn Memories

I love vacation in the autumn. I usually wait until later in September, but this year, I needed it sooner. I've been burning myself out, and it is time to listen to what the body has to say.  Now it will be a  time to sleep-in and savor some very quality alone-time.  Hubby will be working, and my son is on a trip to Michigan, so basically, until Wednesday when my son returns, the house is all mine.  And, I have been blessed with much cooler weather.  It seems as if when the hurricane passed us by, it took with it the heat. Ah, it feels good to be able to breathe again. Soon I will be able to use my oven...and cooking will go much faster.

 

 "The summer days are fading, as they must
From endless hours to short and fleeting light
The bird's once bright, immortal tune, now cries
A melancholy aura to the dusk
The children fiercely climb, and dream, and race
Before their wild and unchained days depart
And yet beneath the zeal lies a half heart
For there isn't time, there's only enough space
The sun seems low, a hazy orange sphere
Now reminiscing sweetly of the days
When endlessly before you summer lay
And as in the deep, crimson dusk you stir
Your soul joins with the birds in wistful brood
Crying for lost summer days, for childhood."
-  Shannon Georgia Schaubroeck, The End of Summer
-

Harvest time is upon us, and when Autumn comes, so do the memories. I am reminded of my grandma. Some of my fondest childhood memories revolve around that special lady.  I think about her all the time; she was like a mother to me. She offered me that safe and loving feeling that I never had at home. When I was a little girl, this time of year was extra special; this was the time we were finally allowed to pick from the grapevine and the raspberry bush...I, working side by side with my grandma and grandpa; I felt so important, so loved ... as I popped as many of the fruits into my mouth as I was putting into my pail.  And never have I tasted any sweeter fruit...that sweetness that appeared to burst on your tongue.  Afterwards,  grandma would get busy; She never made wine from her grapes; instead she chose to make jellies and jams...and raspberry pies....always making sure that nothing was wasted...working down in that basement...the basement I had once painted with turpentine.  Sometimes I would be allowed to help, but when I was particularly rambunctious, grandma would shoo me out to play.

In life, there is a cycle that plays its own tune. Everything changes, and to everything there is a season. Grandma passed on when I was 16 years old, and I still miss her so; grandpa two years later. I guess he just couldn't live without her. Gone now is the house that was filled with so many fond and loving memories...gone now is the vine and the berries from long ago.  Gone, too, are the woods behind my grandparent's home where I could get lost for hours....and never be afraid, the place where I could go and pretend to be anyone I wanted to be.  And I knew I was never alone, for I could see the flashes from the corner of my eye.  The fairies were there, and they were watching out for me.  But all of that is gone, the trees are gone and the fairy lights that used to flicker in the night have been traded in for the neon street lamps.  The land was needed for homes, or so they said.

No matter what we do, and no matter how hard we may try, life is going to move on; time will pass, and people will come and go. Some will leave such a great impression on us that we will remember them always, while others may just be a fleeting memory. We are born into this life with so much love and wonder, but as we grow, we discover that life is filled with its bumps and bruises.  We grow older, marry, and have children of our own.  Sometimes we make the wrong decisions, and as we struggle to make sense of our lives and try to find a way out of our mistakes, we tend to forget those wondrous memories of our past.  They move deep into our subconscious for our conscious mind has far too much to think about.  Sadly, my sons will never have some of those memories, but they will have their own, hopefully.  They were raised in the city so they will never know the joys of a harvest, but I have tried to incorporate other things into their lives that will one day enable them to savor their own happy memories.

And as I am passing through harvest time of my own life, I once again take time to remember what was...and in those times when I need to draw upon strength and inspiration, I can close my eyes and go back to that special place, the my grandparent's home and see it just as it was, when I played there... when I was an innocent child. I can see the vines, the bushes, the woods, even the pathway that would take me through the woods to my mother's job.  I see the long shadows drawing at twilight, darkness falling upon the forest...and once more, I dream of a happier time at grandma's house.


Thank you, grandma, for all the memories...your love and your patience.

Countdown to Vacation

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in."  ~Robert Orben
 

Ah, vacation...almost time.  You'd think I was going on some fantastic cruise the way I've been talking about it...and I am only taking 4 days. With Monday's Holiday it'll give me ten days off.  That should be enough time to recuperate. Dealing with our client population, though rewarding when you have a success story, is so physically and emotionally draining. We take those who no one else wants.  It breaks your heart to hear their stories, but you have to set boundaries and remember that along with those poor souls who are so 'broken' that you wonder if anything you do can help to put them back together again, but you also have to deal with those with the personality disorders...the narcissists who believe that the world revolves around them and the antisocials, your sociopath...the charmer who will lure you in with a smile, all the while manipulating you and setting you up for the 'kill'.  


So, as I said, I don't plan on  going anywhere special.  Mostly I will just hang around the house.  I've got a lot of reading to catch up on, but I do plan to take one day to do a little fall shopping for myself.  I've been wearing the same jacket now for a few years; it would be nice to have a new one. And, perhaps a trip to Barnes & Noble.  I never get to go to the bookstore.  And speaking of Barnes & Noble, I ordered a labyrinth kit which came today. I love to color, and with this kit, you're provided labyrinths to color in and meditate on.  Those I think I will leave until I am back to work.  Looks like they might be some great stress relievers.


A trip to the beach might be on tap as well...not to go into the water, but merely walking along the beach, standing there on the water's edge and looking out onto the ocean opens the channels of communication with our spiritual selves; white foam and sea spray lapping on the sand, and with summer over...alone except for an occasional jogger....only the sounds of the gulls, the sounds of the waves...breathing in the salty air. What more can one ask for on a vacation?  It's all here in my backyard...20 minutes away.  And speaking of the ocean, we're expecting a tropical storm here in the city.  Could have been worse, but the hurricane is expected to pass far to the east...

...but those waves.  I was watching them on television, those powerful waves lashing at the shore...the Great Ocean Mother in all Her glory.  I found myself glued to the set, and I'm telling you, if I hadn't had a tummy ache last night, I think I would have said The heck with work tomorrow and headed on over there.

In closing, let us all give thanks that everyone in yesterday's oil rig explosion survived and that it didn't become another gulf catastrophe.  Nature is trying to tell us something.  I think it is time we all stop and listen.


"Why do we love the sea?  It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think." --Robert Henri

A Short Ramble

True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. --William Penn

All in all, it's been a pretty stressful week for me.  The scorching heat is back, and Mercury has been getting the best of me.  Guess he is making up for all those years he passed me by.  And, to top it off, I'm taking some vacation time.  Now, that's a good thing, isn't it?  But, as I am sure most of you know, that week at work prior to vacation can be a nightmare, especially if you are like me and want to leave nothing undone.  Heck, have you ever noticed how the work accumulates while you are gone? Don't want that and this work, too.  

Of course, some of us have work sitting on our desk that hasn't been done in two years, but not all of us are lucky enough to get away with coming to work to play video games. Clients from 2008 are still sitting in files, completing the program without having been admitted. I kid you not. Thankfully, some of us go to work to do exactly what we are paid to do...to work.  We have what they call work ethics.  But, I am not going to go off on a tangent about my office mate today.  That's old news, and you have all heard that before.  No, in today's post I will have nothing more to say about her.  Today's post is more about self-healing. 

Our world is so chaotic; life is chaotic. Full of distractions, people crowded round us, problems that we have to deal with.  Day in, day out...we're bombarded with things, and sometimes we may feel like we want to explode.  Stress is related to living. Most times we simply deal with it, but there are times when anxiety or pressure seems beyond our capacity to cope. How do we heal ourselves when the stress gets that bad?    

Yesterday, it all seemed to catch up to me. I have to tell you, I was a ticking time bomb yesterday.  There is just so much to be done.  Bad time to prepare for vacation.  Monthly reports as well as all the other paperwork. And we have some of the most demanding clients.  I don't blame them, of course; it's my bosses.  They spoil them by giving in to their every demand.  Take the open door policy, for example.  I hate it.  Part of recovery is learning how to deal with responsibility.  How are we teaching them to be responsible if they are allowed week after week to miss their scheduled appointment and come knocking on your door when it is convenient for them...and if you say you cannot see them, they go running to your boss. Imagine sitting there swamped with paperwork only to be interrupted all day long.

So it was that when I hit the bed last night, I couldn't stop my mind from racing....so many things that have to be done, so little time to do it. A tropical storm/hurricane on its way Friday.  What if I can't make it in.  Only one day to do it all.  Superwoman, I am not...at least not anymore.  Age is catching up to me.

I tossed, I turned.  I watched the clock.  I could always have gotten up and watched some television, but I love crime dramas...but I don't think that was quite what I needed last night.  What I needed was some solitude...and what better way to find solitude than to immerse myself in nature, in the dark, stillness of the night...my ultimate favorite way of releasing all those pent-up feelings. I always feel better when I've communed with Her, but lately, with this heat, it's been a little difficult to spend much time outdoors.

Nature gives us our best chance to be alone and still, and despite the heat of the day, it wasn't all that bad out last night.  It was rather comfortable with the gentlest of breezes. At 3 AM it was only me and the night creatures...and the darkness, that wonderful darkness of night that surrounds you and shuts you off from the rest of the world.  Solitude at its best.

And the miracle of solitude is that it clears the mind and the  spirit. It used to be that I could never be alone; I always felt so lonely, but as the years passed by, and my self-esteem continued to grow, i came to learn that solitude so different from loneliness. When you are lonely, you become conscious of your own separation. You hurt from your inner depths. Solitude, on the other hand, can feel like a homecoming to your own deepest belonging.  Peacefulness...Serenity...the cares of the day washed away in the sheer pleasure of being one with the healing power of nature...healing...so, so healing.  And eventually, I was able to return to bed and get a little rest before I tackle the world once again.


So tell me, what's your favorite stress reliever?


Night, the beloved.  Night, when words fade and things come alive.  When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again.  When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.--Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Challenge

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.--Joshua J. Marine

It's really time for a vacation.  I've been getting really cranky lately and feel myself burning out. I've dealt with several many different stressful situations recently...nothing  earth-shattering  or life-changing...just those petty little annoyances that generally just are brushed aside, but when compounded one right after the other, may lead one to believe that the Universe is out to get them.  Of course, we know that is not true.  The Universe doesn't GET anyone; we get ourselves. 

We all have to go through personal challenges at one time or another; that's the nature of life. Our lives would be pretty empty without the challenges we face every day.  Whether they be financial or family problems...relationship or careers...or perhaps just burning ourselves out as I have done.  Everyone will experience their own challenge at some point in their life, and how you react to the challenging situations that crop up in your life has a lot to say about you and your character, about whether or not you have what it takes to persevere and weather any storm that may come your way. 

"The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong."-- Thomas Carlyle

We can't always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we  react to it. We have to be able to look at these challenges not as a time to shrink or run away, but rather as a time where we are able to grow and become stronger. Challenges are a gift, a learning tool to help us grow. The more we are challenged in our lives, the more we get to learn about ourselves. If you never had to face any kind of situation that tested you, you would never know just where you need to make improvements in your or where you already are strong. It is those hard times in our lives also help us to appreciate and show gratitude when things are more easy going.

Don't get me wrong.  In no way am I comparing the obstacles that I faced this week to the major challenges that many of you are going through today.  Gosh, I've been through it; I know what challenge is. I've lived through abuse...physical, emotional, and sexual; I've lived through addiction. I know what it is like to be hungry. When I first moved to the city there were days that I was so hungry that I would just lie across the bed and sleep. I was too proud to say I had failed...and I didn't fail.  Look at me now...and look at how the challenges in my life have helped me to grow. And even today, I continue to face challenge...the challenge of fibro and dealing with pain everyday.  And hubby who suffers from a terminal illness...now in remission.  And when I find myself asking Will this be the day?, I shake it off...and remember....All any of us have is today.

Gosh, this post certainly took off in its own direction.  How it ended is was not my original plan.  Amazing how things can change.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

--Author Unknown--

Archetypal Astrology

Ah, it's another  hot one here in the city.  August 31, the last day of the month...and temps are heading up into the 90's....another heat wave.  Enough already. It's been a long....and very, very hot summer.  Time for a break. I mean, here I am taking vacation next week and planning to go shopping for some new fall clothes...How can you even think of it in the midst of a heat wave?  I'd planned on taking a trek to Barnes @ Noble as well, but just happened to see they had reprinted one of my all-time favorites..."Through the Looking Glass."  It's an astrology book on which features Jungian psychology and myth.  And, being that I lost it somewhere down the line...and the little Barnes @ Noble I shop in doesn't have it, I ordered a bunch of stuff online. 

As most of you already know my four favorite subjects of my favorite subjects are Jung, archetypes, mythology, and astrology...and when I find them all combined in a subject, I am in 'seventh heaven'.  I started out with traditional astrology, but found that, after time, I began to veer more towards archetypal astrology...a merging of all of the above.  Two of my favorite astrological authors are Liz Greene and Demetra George; I have every one of their books...and you don't have to know about astrology to understand and love what they have to say.

I can get lost in the world of myth which is, when you really give it some thought, the voice of our ancestors. Because they did not know how to explain the world about them, they created myths to tell their history and to explain their beliefs. The telling of stories is the way they passed on their knowledge...from one generation to the next. These stories tell us so much about how  our ancestors saw the world and gave meaning to their lives. These ancient myths live on in our culture; they represent forces in our psyche and in our world.

Each sign of the zodiac as well as each of the planets is associated with a particular Divine character who may appear in different guises with different names, but their symbolic meaning has the same roots...an archetypal layer which is common to all of us.  For example, the themes The Hero's against evil or The Great Mother appear in all of our lives as we struggle to achieve our inner development.  Hence, by overcoming what is threatening to destroy us....whether it is coming from our inner self or from others in our surroundings, working with these archetypal patterns gives us an opportunity for growth.

As a matter of fact, what better place to begin than the Mercury archetype who has been giving so many of us trouble these past few days as he continues his retrograde travels.  I am not even going to get into what happened this morning... Oh well, you talked me into it.  My latest addiction is fruit smoothies from MacDonald's.  I have one for breakfast every day and MacDonald's is the only place I can buy one.  So, I go in there this morning, wait in a line that never seemed to move, only to get to the register and find out they were cleaning the machine.  Well, this is not the first time it happened, and I am sorry, but my feelings are if a store is open 24 hours a day, why not clean the machine in the middle of the night, not rush hour when people are trying to get to work...and, of course, I had to voice my opinion on the matter.

Then, I get to work.  The elevator is out.  Okay, it's bad enough to have to climb the three flights with my bum knees, but when I finally stagger to my floor, I find the fire doors are locked, and I don't have a key.  No one does.  The maintenance man has to take the whole door off the hinges. Takes a half hour. It's hot in the stairwell; I'm sweaty, the noise of his hammering is deafening, but I am NOT going to go back downstairs because I will only have to trudge up those steps again.  Finally in...put breakfast out for the clients, put breakfast away, run women's group; start doing group note and am called by receptionist that I have two intakes and three clients waiting to see me. Old Mercury continues to chip away at my sanity. And actually, I am finally here.  Didn't think I would even find the time or energy to post today.

HHermes or Mercury is one of the great Archetypal Energies of our World. His energies and insights, as with all the other archetypes, are available even in today's society. This is a recognition that our thoughts (Mercury) ultimately come to us from the archetypal realm (“the gods”). Mercury is the messenger who translates these archetypal meanings and impulses into our particular mental language; most of the time he does this so perfectly that we usually believe we are creating the thoughts ourselves.

As an archetype, he is both the messenger and the magician. Mercury is associated with the Greek mythic figure of Hermes, the Roman Mercury, the messenger of the gods.  Hermes was the god of communication and also the god of thieves.  He  is the trickster, an archetype with both positive and negative expressions. As a god of the Underworld, he  was able to travel back and forth between the underworld of Pluto and the upper world of gods and mortals. Thus, Mercury is a planet which allows us to traverse levels of consciousness and experience, to be a messenger within or without.

For a free chart and to find where your Mercury is go to:  Astrolabe 

Mercury Retrograde...A Rant

During the last Mercury retrograde, so many of my acquaintances were complaining that everything was going wrong....and, I would smugly smile and say, "It hasn't touched me."   Well, remind me to be a little more sympathetic to those poor souls the next time around because this weekend, Mercury Retrograde hit me...and hit me hard.  Why, it got so bad on Sunday afternoon that I just about broke down and cried. 

The madness all started on Friday evening when I picked up the phone to order our food (we order out on Friday) and discovered there was no dial tone.  Now, the phone had been acting up for awhile, so I just assumed that after 8 years, it had finally died out.  I wasn't so upset because hubby finally got himself a cell phone so when he got home, I'd be able to call and place the order.  Wrong!!!!  Hubby forgot his cell phone at work. Okay, so now son comes home and saves the day.  He, too, has a cell phone. (I'm the only one who doesn't).

But he was going out later...and he was taking his phone with him.  Funny how it is...You never use the phone, but when it's not there, suddenly it's like you lost your best friend. Right away my old pessimistic mind went to work overtime with the what if's.  Suppose one of us gets sick in the night, or my son has some sort of emergency. Enough what-if's to keep me tossing and turning all night.Here we are cut off from the world.  You can imagine my relief when hubby left early Saturday morning to go get us a new phone.

Guess what???  It didn't work. No line the message said.  Oh no, now what?  I'm not on vacation until next week.  I can't take off this week to wait for Verizon and can't go a week without a phone. All right, so next week on vacation I had planned to do some sorting and getting rid of, so I will just start a little early.  See, the phone jack is behind the boxes and boxes of storage in my son's room  Before he moved back home that had become my storage room, and to be honest, I don't have any other place to put it so it remains there...but I have planned to sort and toss...After all, there is no way I will get back in a size 10 so why keep hanging on when there is someone out there who can use it?

Okay, so I move everything out and find the problem.  It's the jack.  My cat has been hanging out there lately and somehow pulled it out....so I have a phone.  Yippee!!!  But then, I go to the living room and turn the cable on to prop my feet up and watch some television...and the darned thing started rebooting itself....over and over again. Wouldn't stop. I began having nightmarish flashbacks of that foul-natured cable guy I had the last time.  I tried unplugging it for a few minutes as they always tell you to do...no good, still rebooting.  Now, I am almost ready to cry.  Most of you know I am a full-fledged couch potato...and visions of missing the last show of the season of my favorite shows were flashing through my head. So now, because it won't stop rebooting, I unplug it and leave it unplugged...heading into the computer room to see if there is anyway I can see my shows on it.

Just then my son calls me.  Be careful when you set your coffee.  Now, I am one of those people who have to have my morning coffee waiting for me when I wake up....if not, the entire house hears my tirade...so I can imagine my son was trying to avoid being woken several hours too early.  It seems the clock had somehow been been set back an hour.  Did we have a power outage that I didn't know about?  Now, as I go to press the little buttons to reset the timer, they won't budge...but have no fear...a little dash of this miracle oil does the trick.  Then, I figure one last try with the cable, so I plug it in....an lo and behold...it's working. Whew!!!! All I can say is, miracles happen.

If you have any interest in astrology, know and astrologer, or simply read the astrology sites on the web, you know what a Mercury Retrograde is...the most commonly known astrological signature for Murphy's Law--"If something can go wrong, it will". Computers crash, software develops unexpected glitches, communications go awry, traffic jams ensue, things are lost, found, then lost again, letters get lost on the mail, machinery breaks down, delays interrupt the normal flow of things. Ah, yes, the trickster Mercury is up to his old pranks again. In fact, at least three times a year for about three weeks each time Mercury has his way with us.

The key issue here is one of focus. Catch up on things you've been putting off, finish up old projects, and take some time for closure with the things in your life that have recently ended. Do what anyone does when they take a breather ― relax, regroup, recharge and reconsider your plan of action.

Mercury's retrograde phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages our way, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches.  It is also important not to assume that the other person is "on the same page" with you. Remember that mis-communications are very common at this time, and what you say may not be exactly what the other person hears.  Double check everything, and I mean everything...and be sure to double check it twice.  My cable box episode is a great example of stepping back and taking a few deep breaths...although that wasn't exactly what I did. Just be prepared for surprises and delays and stay flexible as much as possible.  It will all soon be over...September 12th to be exact.