Friday, February 22, 2013


 Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear.
Baruch Spinoza

I'd been fully prepared to post when I got home from the doctors yesterday, but needed some time to process the news that I had just been told. Actually, processing consisted of crying my eyes out and going to bed. I usually go in hoping for the best yet preparing for the worst.  This time I was so sure it was going to be nothing but good news so I was totally unprepared for what the doctor had to say. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that my blood pressure has dropped some (144), and I stopped at my doctor's office and had my medication changed.  Hopefully that gosh awful tickle will go away.  The bad news is that there is a second nodule on my lung.  It is actually quite small and the doctor feels it may have been there and hidden by my heart.  My next step is a biopsy.  The good news is that if, and the doctor stressed if, it should prove cancerous the nodules are so small they will be able to remove them with no chemo necessary.  That's the second biopsy I need.  And, I really am afraid, but whatever happens, will happen, and I will have to learn to deal with it. I have faced the "Dark Night of the Soul Before", and I have survived.

 If we never experience the chill of a dark winter, it is very unlikely that we will ever cherish the warmth of a bright summer’s day. Nothing stimulates our appetite for the simple joys of life more than the starvation caused by sadness or desperation. In order to complete our amazing life journey successfully, it is vital that we turn each and every dark tear into a pearl of wisdom, and find the blessing in every curse.” 

Anthon St. Maarten

It's funny.  I've always been the strong one..or always thought I had to be.  I had to be there for everyone else, and now I don't know how to act. How do I stop putting up that front and admit that I am not as rock solid as the image I project? Hubby's been great and supportive, but I've yet to tell my sons.  They lost both their dad and grandmother to cancer.    Just the word is enough to send them into a tailspin. I wouldn't want that unless I knew for sure. Enough of this morbid talk.  Heck the weekend's here.  It's happy time.

Needless to say, we've some bad weather heading our way this weekend, so I am seeing some much-needed down time headed my way.  I'd been planning on getting out and doing a few chores, but really, none of them are necessary...and, besides, right now I have no money to spend.  It's always been too easy for me to drown my sorrows with shopping, so a cold, rainy weekend is really a blessing in disguise. 

Gosh, is it that time already?  Need to stop rambling and shower and dress and get my butt out of this door.  Talk to you all on Monday.

Wishing you all the best for the upcoming weekend.  May you find nothing but joy and peace on your doorstep.  Love you all.


  1. Good Morning! Do NOT entertain even the thought of "c"! Be very cautious of not telling your boys. How are you going to explain to them the biopsy? No matter how much we don't like to admit it, our babies are adults now and are able to handle more than we give them credit for. Enjoy your weekend my friend, relax and know what will be will be.
    Love you!


  2. Oh Mary - I feel so bad that you have to carry all this worry. But I feel that the doctor is right and I also feel that it was a good thing that you responded to the prompting that led you to go to the doctor after avoiding it for so long. Now, like he said, even if they have to operate, it will be operable (very important) and that will be that. Of course, it is still a burden to deal with, I know, but I know I don't speak for myself when I say that you have friends here and we are hear to listen and talk you through it! Much love, Aine

  3. Glad for the good news. Sorry for the not-so-perfect news. But do keep on trying to handle all this, with Wisdom.

    But... Why not cry? Why have to keep up a strong front, all the time? Doesn't some letting-off-steam-relief, like crying, help us come to terms with the Wisdom part?


  4. Dear friend, glad to hear that you at least have a weekend to process. I agree with Dede, in that although we still think of our babes as babes, they are in fact adults and can handle more than we usually give them credit. They would want to be there for you Mary. And being the strong one is not always all it is cracked up to be.. (I know)... we all need to fall apart some time... Let those who care for you (and there are so many) be there for "you" now... blessings and warm hugs dear friend

  5. Dearest Mary...
    I so agree with The Sisters above! Let's not entertain thoughts of cancer...send it to the light for transformation, never to return!
    Your children should be there for you right now..that is what family is for Dear One. For your sons, you are the most important thing in the world and if you were my Momma, I'd want to be right there by your side, no matter what. Don't discount their love for you by being stoic. Stoic leaves us feeling lost and vulnerable when we really need that support system. I too, am here if you need to talk or cry or whatever the case may be. Always...and will continue to hold you close in thought and prayer.
    (((((((BIG HUGS!!!)))))))
    P.S. Let those cleansing tears fall Sister Soul!!!!

  6. You're in my thoughts and heart, Mary, and I only wish for all to be well for you.


    P.S. I tried leaving this comment earlier, but I don't think it went through.

  7. Such wonderful advice and blessings from everyone, Mary. Part of facing any trial is knowing you have people there for you and whatever happens, many prayers and blessings are coming your way. As trite as it sounds, if you can try to live one day at a time, you'll be possibly in a stronger place and still be able to be honest and vulnerable with those you love as that's a part of strength. You will get through this and we'll be here to support you. And good job with the blood pressure going down!

  8. My thoughts continue for you - your post shows that I don't need to wish you a sensible, positive, realistic and hopeful outlook, because that is obviously already a part of you. But know you are held by so many of us.

  9. Mary, I am keeping you in my thoughts. We always fear and think the worst, and I am hoping that it is not anything serious. Keep a light heart and a positive thought or two. Try envisioning any "bad" thing and wishing it away. Unwelcome it from your body. Be well.

  10. Well, if nodules are there, better to find them when tiny and not when they're big and perhaps too advanced. I hope both biopsies come back as benign. Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you, Mary!

  11. I'm tardy in checking up on you. Wish I could make your worries vanish. I'm sure your doctor told you this could be a number of things. Stay as positive as you can. You have a lot of people who care and will be supporting you on this, that's very important. Xavier

  12. I will pray that the stones are not cancerous
    and that your worry will pass quickly.

    The biopsy is usually performed quickly
    to allay the patients fears.

    prayers and blessings
    to you and your family
    love Sharon