Be Not Afraid of Life

Be not afraid of life. Believe that
life is worth living and your
belief will help create the fact. 

--William James--

 
My goodness, today is Thursday.  Problem is, I thought yesterday was Thursday....as evidenced by my Thursday's Quote.  Why, I didn't even go to run my group because I thought I didn't have one.  They had to come and get me.  Not only did I think it was Thursday, but was also putting the 4th on everything I wrote.  I guess the heat is really starting to get to me. 

(The following is rather depressing, and I do apologize for laying it on you.  It's something I have to talk about.  I don't know any other way of dealing with it.)

Lately, I have been having a pretty rough time at work, and it is beginning to take its toll.  I really was hesitant sharing about this, but it appears that time is running short now.  It has to do with one of my clients, one of the sweetest men you would ever want to meet.  He is only 50 years old, and with recovery from alcohol use, has a full life ahead of him, but he just won't see it.  The man wants to die.  He's tried suicide three times and lived.  The last time he took enough pills to kill a horse, but he survived.  Now, it turns out his heart is in pretty bad shape, and all of his arteries are clogged.  The doctor wants to do a bypass, but he is refusing, saying this is a blessing in disguise for him, that now he won't have to take his own life.  He's not afraid of the surgery.  He says he was raised a Catholic, and he knows that suicide is wrong.  I tell him that this is like a slow form of suicide.  He doesn't see it that way. This is like a blessing to him. 

Week after week I meet with this man for our sessions and talk about all the reasons he has to live.  I speak of his siblings and the good changes that recovery brings, and he says he doesn't care.  I speak of his living a productive life, and his response to that is that he knows that as soon as he gets his first check he will  drink once again.  He says that knows himself.  I speak of his failed suicide attempts and how he should look at that as proof that he is here on this earth for a reason.  He tells me that he doesn't care. The reason has come and gone.  I tell him that no, we are not taken from this world until we accomplish what he came here for.  He says that he has accomplished nothing in his life.  I speak of life and the blessing that we have been given, and he tells me that life is nothing but 'hell'.  I tell him to think of those that he will leave behind, and he tells me that they will get over it.  'I want no one to remember Joe.' he says.  I've tried motivating him by offering him the responsibility for caring for the fish and the turtles.  When people feel needed, it gives them the motivation to live. He doesn't want the responsibility...because he doesn't plan to be here for long.  

I don't know what else I can do or say.  I've been giving him positive affirmations on a weekly basis for him to repeat on a daily basis.  I doubt very much that he has.  I know that there is a part of him that wants to live, or he wouldn't have agreed to the tests in the first place.  My fear is that by the time he realizes that, it will be too late.  We ended  yesterday's session with my telling him that although I may not agree with his decision, I have to respect his right to choose.  I may not believe in it, but that I will be there for him no matter what.  

But darn it.  I am so angry...so very, very angry.  I am in love with life; I cherish it. and it infuriates me that someone is ready to just toss it aside. I don't know anymore what I can do or say...if anything.  And it is taking its toll on me.  His negative energy is dragging me down, but I cannot give up on this man.  I refuse to give up on this man.  I know it's a long shot, but maybe someone knows something, I can say, or do, anything that I can use to motivate this man to want to live.    I do believe in miracles.

How easily we can forget how precious life is! So long as we can remember,
we've just been here, being alive. Unlike other things for which we have
a good comparison--black to white, day to night, good to bad--we are
so immersed in life that we can see it only in the context of itself.
We don't see life as compared to anything, to not-being, for example,
to never having been born. Life just is. But life itself is a gift. It's a
compliment just being born: to feel, breathe, think, play, dance, sing,
work, make love, for this particular lifetime. Today, let's give thanks for life.
For life itself. For simply being born!

--Daphne Rose Kingma--