Weekend Musings

We can cultivate an inner solitude and silence that sets us free from loneliness and fear. Loneliness is inner emptiness. Solitude is inner fulfillment. Solitude is not first a place but a state of mind and heart. There is a solitude of heart that can be maintained at all times. Crowds or the lack of them have little to do with this inward attentiveness. It is quite possible to be a desert hermit and never experience solitude. But if we possess inward solitude we will not fear being alone, for we know that we are not alone. Neither do we fear being with others, for they do not control us. In the midst of noise and confusion we are settled into a deep inner silence.--Teresa of Avila

Monday has rolled around far too quickly.  It is always like that on my cooking weekends.  Rose early on Saturday and headed for the market before the storm took hold and all for naught because the storm never did take hold.  Not that I am complaining.  I've had my fill of storms this winter...but, I would have loved to lounge around in bed a bit later.  But, that  too, is all right for what I missed on Saturday, I more than made up for on Sunday.  

My son had an early catering event, and hubby went to visit his son, so much of my day was spent taking care of me. When we take time to get a little solitude, we take the time to please ourselves, and for some of us, it is something that we rarely do, or, if you are like I was several years ago, we feel guilty because we  always think that we have to be doing something.  And there are others out there who do their best to avoid time alone because they are uncomfortable in that state.  Rather than enjoying a time of solitude, they feel discomfort and even misery.  Oh gosh, don't get me started on that one.  I didn't always enjoy my time alone. 

In fact, there was a time that I hated being alone so much that I would fall into a state of depression if left alone even for one afternoon.  I didn't like myself much back then, and when you don't like someone, you do everything you can to avoid spending time with them.  I didn't want to have to think because thinking brought back too many painful memories.  And then, I also never believed that I was deserving, so I was always afraid that what little happiness I managed to find would walk away from me; hence,  I gave poor hubby a really hard time whenever he wanted to do something without me...never realizing that I was actually pushing him away.

It took quite a bit time and a lot of looking within, but eventually I came to realize that just because he was spending some time away from me did not mean that he was cheating, nor did it mean that he would leave me.   All of this was nothing more than an elaborate drama I had written in my head. Low self-esteem can be a bitch.   But, in time, I as I began to grow  more comfortable with myself,  solitude no longer meant loneliness.  It was indeed something to look forward to. I was okay with myself  as a person. 
 

So, yesterday turned out to be such a great day.  I took a long, leisurely candlelight bath, washed and trimmed my hair, polished my nails,  did tons of reading.  I spent some time writing in my journal, and when I got tired of all that, I got up and performed a small ritual.  I enjoy contacting my grandmother when I know I can spend some quality time with her; it's amazing how much better I feel after talking to her.   I always love performing these rituals when no one is around.  No questions to answer, no one calling me to ask for something.   It also allows me the time to use my candles.

I also love to use candles in my rituals, but hubby dislikes them.  His mom believed that candles and incense attract spirits to your home and should never be used; hence, hubby, although he doesn't believe in the old folklore of the Dominicans, has had that idea ingrained so deeply in his head that he hates candles.   Now, where this belief came from, I know not, for my mother-in-law was a devout Catholic, and as anyone who has been in a Catholic church knows, their services are built around candles and incense. I never questioned her on it though and always respected her when came to visit us.  We spoke two different languages, but still managed to converse.  I really did love that lady.

So, there you have it...my weekend.  Wishing it could have lasted longer, but grateful for what I had.  So, how was your weekend?

If only you were willing to continue on your journey towards your Self. Eventually you would reach close enough to the center of your Being so that the feeling of loneliness disappears and is replaced by a sense of aloneness, which is incredibly full and enriching. When you are on the way to alone but you are not yet there, you will feel lonely. If you keep going, you will reach to alone and then loneliness disappears.-- Leonard Jacobson