We Remember

Forever lost, Forever Remembered September 11, 2001

If I Knew

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
And pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
That I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
And call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
So I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
To stop and say "I love you,"
Instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
So I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
To make up for an oversight,
And we always get a second chance
To make everything just right.

There will always be another day
To say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
To say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
And today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
And I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
Young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
You get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
Why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
You'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
For a smile, a hug, or a kiss
And you were too busy to grant someone,
What turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
And whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
And that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
You'll have no regrets about today.

--Norma Cornett Marek, 1989--

Backstabbers...a Bit of a Rant...Sorry

Got back from my walk yesterday and laid down for most of the afternoon. (Chuckle)  How long it has been since I had any meaningful exercise! I felt good though.  Now, if I can just find a way to fit more walks into my schedule. Actually, I am planning another walk today...albeit a shorter one.  I forgot a few items yesterday, and was going to ask my son to go to CVS for me, but heck, it's another lovely day, so why not go myself. 

As I was lying in bed, I was thinking that my vacation is almost over , and  I don't WANT to go back to work.  I REALLY do not want to go back, and that is so sad because there was a time when I used to look forward to going back after vacation.  Don't give me wrong, I love my clients and absolutely LOVE what I do, but some of the policies at the workplace are not conducive to client nor staff and create an atmosphere where clients feel that THEY are in control of staff, a lack of boundaries which makes it difficult to accomplish any meaningful goals.  But, it is more than that; my son actually brought it to light yesterday when he spoke to me about his own job.


He's back from his trip to Michigan, and last night was his first day back to work.  Like me, this was a place he really loved working and never missed a day in three years...quite an accomplishment, but it seems that once his supervisor left, things there have been changing, and he was really dreading his return.  "Mommy," he said, "they're such backstabbers.  They smile in your face and talk rubbish about you behind your back."  And there it was in a nutshell...backstabbers, gossipers..."If they are gossiping about everyone else, what must they be saying about me?"  That is something I've thought to myself many times.  Why is it like that?  And are all offices like that, or do I just happen to choose those offices where jealousies and office gossip run rampant?  

(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)

Backstabbing has many levels, all the way from kids on the playground  to those who work at the corporate level where virtual backstabbing is almost as much of a fine art as plunging a real knife in the back of an unsuspecting co-worker.  In fact, backstabbing at the office is a real issue nowadays and happens more often than not.  Oh, there was always the gossiper at work, but now it seems like EVERYONE gets involved.  Myself, I choose to stay away from it as much as possible; in fact, I usually have my lunch at my desk, and if pressured to go to the lunchroom, I make up a story that I am waiting for an important phone call from hubby or my son, and since they all know I don't have a cell phone, it usually works....and it's not a lie, altogether.  Actually, I never know when one of them might call.  It's just so much more relaxing to put my headphones on and listen to some Celtic music than hearing six grown women gang up on one unsuspecting co-worker. But sometimes, it can be so hard to avoid.  Take the following, for example.

I get up to go to the ladies' room.  As I pass the nurse's door, she sees me and calls me in.  Now, I respond only because she is the nurse, and it could be work related, having something to do with one of my clients, but then she smiles and says, "Close the door", and immediately I know what is coming...."have you heard what so and so did?" and proceed to tell me all about something that is none of my business knowing...and it is not just her.  On Thursdays, a co-worker and I leave work at the same time, and both head to Brooklyn.  She is pretty easy to handle, though; as soon as she starts, I change the subject, and she gets the picture. Even my bosses have been known to participate in the office chatter.

I am tired of being asked, "She took off again?  Why?"  How do I know.  I am not my office mate's keeper....or, "He is late all the time, and nothing is ever done about it."  Yes, it irks me, too, but it doesn't help to gossip about it.  "She's going on another vacation?  How many vacations does she get a year?"  The same as you and I...only difference is, she takes them, we don't 

Unfortunately, gossip always has been and always will be a part of office life. It is only natural what we humans take an interest in one another; it is a part of human nature. Gossip is only harmful when friendly interest becomes nasty, intrusive, malicious and speculative, and there are many reasons why people gossip. Some people enjoy the attention that being constantly “in the know” brings them (the nurse) while others revel in the pleasure that having the latest juicy morsel brings them. Some people do not mean to gossip, they just get caught up in it (our office manager).  Some gossipers are verbal bullies (my office mate) while some gossip just because everyone else gossips about them (my subway companion).

Like I said, I know if they are talking about everyone else, they MUST be talking about me as well...so what I do with office gossip is to ignore it.  I don't get involved unless I am cornered, and when I am, I do my best to change the subject...thereby alerting them that I don't want to hear it. If they persist, I just excuse myself and tell them I am overwhelmed with work and must get on with it. No one at work knows any of my personal business, so there is nothing for them to take and run with.  I don't socialize outside of office hours.  Office gossip is something that cannot be eliminated, and I try hard not to let it make me feel uncomfortable, but I know how my son is feeling right know.  It makes you not want to go back, but the fact is, it's a part of life, and one we have to live with whether we want to or not.  We just have to avoid and ignore it.

I wish they'd take some of these knives off my back
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
Low down... dirty...
(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
Smiling faces... smiling faces sometimes tell lies (Back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don't need... low down, dirty bastards (Back stabbers)

A beautiful Day

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them.--Leonard Louis Levinson

Wow, it sure is going to be hard going back to work.  I am really getting used to this...doing as I please, when I please...napping whenever I feel like it, lying around, reading.  Some people love to pack up and go places.  Not me.  I love to stay in the comfort of my own home. It wasn't always this way. At one time, I used to love getting away, but now I am older, and years of full-time work is taking its toll.  Why, in the old days, I'd be able to retire, but not now.  Heck, the way prices are skyrocketing, I have to wonder if I ever can retire.


Did something a little different today.  My son got back from Michigan sometime late during the night, and because he is sleeping in, there went my early access to the computer.  So I got dressed and went for a walk...a long walk, actually.  I had a package to mail at the post office, and that is a whole subway stop away, but rather hot on the train, I figured I needed the exercise.  In fact, I am trying to push myself more and more into doing things.  This weight really causes my knees to ache and sometimes even makes me short of breath.  


It is an incredibly beautiful day...the temperature is in the low 70's, and a fresh, crisp breeze.  One of those perfect days that has been a long time getting here. I loved it; actually, I loved it so much I decided to walk back home as well, but by the time I got to the park a few blocks from my home, my knees had started, and I had to stop to rest...and I am glad I did. It was really nice being out in the fresh air; the birds were singing, and the park was relatively quiet.  Off in the distance, the storm clouds were gathering, but right above me, the sky was blue and the clouds white and fluffy...perfect for cloud watching.

Clouds...so soft, white, and puffy, seemingly so far away. There is something about them that brings one such a sense of peace and serenity as they move effortlessly across the sky, providing us us with a whole realm of images....hearts, faces, a little puppy dog with fluffy white ears. Sometimes you have to look at very closely them and try to convince yourself that you are seeing what you want to see while others jump right out at you leaving you with no doubt of what you are seeing.  When I was a child, my friend, Kathleen, and I would lie in the grass and stare up at the sky for hours, making  up stories about the clouds that passed over  by and dissipated before our eyes or changed into something entirely new.  Ah, the sense of childhood wonder!!!! Where had it gone?  Why do we let it slip away?

For me, I sometimes stop to look up at the sky as I reflect on my thoughts after a busy day at work. I don't do it often, but sometimes after I get off the subway, a cloud shape in the sky will capture my attention and stop me in my tracks; once in a hurry to get home, I take a few moments to marvel at the beauty so many miles above me, those wonderful marvelous clouds, and although I may not see a fluffy white bunny anymore, my cares and worries simply seem to float away. What a wonderful universe!


Look at the trees, look at the birds, look at the clouds, look at the stars... and if you have eyes you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful.  Everything is simply happy.  Trees are happy for no reason; they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents and they are not going to become rich and they will never have any bank balance.  Look at the flowers - for no reason.  It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are.  ~Osho

Autumn Musings

"September days have the warmth of summer in their briefer hours, but in their lengthening evenings a prophetic breath of autumn.  The cricket chirps in the noontide, making the most of what remains of his brief life.  The bumblebee is busy among the clover blossoms of the aftermath, and their shrill and dreamy hum hold the outdoor world above the voices of the song birds, now silent or departed.-- From "September Days"  By Rowland E. Robinson,   

Yesterday, I had the most magnificent day.  I sorted through some clothes, straightened out my underwear drawer got rid of the old and put the new items in; once finished, I ordered myself a Chinese feast for lunch. Now, you have to spend $8 for delivery, so I added on a pepsi and some apple strips. I knew it was kind of steamy outdoors, but under the fans and 'in the raw', I felt quite comfortable. After lunch, it was off to the bed to relax and read the new Woman's Day and Family Circle I had bought...just for this occasion.

And as I read the autumn issues, I found myself getting more and more excited as I thought about the many different foods I will be able to add to our menu...once it is cool enough to use the oven again.  In summer, cooking becomes such drudgery; it seems like it is the same foods over and over again.  I hate to cook, but when you can do something different rather than the same old over and over again, and I have gotten so many wonderful recipes to try from your blogs, I cannot wait.  Who knows, you may even find me baking again.  

Yes, it seems like every year Autumn is my new birth; it brings new life into me and makes me feel like there is nothing I cannot do. The cool air is just so cleansing... the wind sweeping through the trees...the brilliance of red, orange, yellow, and green leaves on the trees and the red/orange sunsets reawaken the senses like nothing other.  Everything seems so refreshing as the scorching summer heat fades into the crispness of an autumn morn. It's ironic, each year I find myself anxiously awaiting the summer's warmth, and then, once it is here, I dream about the coming of the season of darkness....waiting for it to come once more.

I love wearing the autumn colors...the browns, the reds, the golds...earthy colors. It's time to transition into long pants and skirts...and Autumn fashion is at its best when accessorized with a scarf....cool enough for layers yet still warm enough for no heavy coat and boots...apple cider, hot chocolate tops with mini marshmallows.  I think the only part of autumn that I dislike is the children returning to school.  Gone will be the quiet mornings on the train, so en rapt in my book that sometimes I almost miss my stop; it its place will be the shrill, screaming voices of the teenagers who appear to make noise just for the sake of disturbing the other riders.  I will be lucky enough to get a seat, let alone read my book. (I love kids, but some New York City teenagers can be pretty obnoxious).

But, all and all, autumn is a special season...that in-betwixt stage between the light and the dark...a season of transition from the broiling temperatures to the icy winds, a season of preparation as the earth hasten's toward its winter's rest...winter with its beautiful snow covered landscapes, and eventually Spring makes its grand entrance with the weather warming up and the rebirth of nature's beauty. Summer marches in next, with gorgeous weather, outdoor activities with family and friends,  and finally, not to be outdone, Autumn waltzes in with its fiery explosion of color and harvest festivals ...the most beautiful time of the year...and as the earth settles down to rest, we humans come alive.

"Come said the wind to
the leaves one day,
Come o're the meadows
and we will play.
Put on your dresses
scarlet and gold,
For summer is gone
and the days grow cold."
-  A Children's Song of the 1880's

Loving Yourself

Now this is what I call a vacation. Did some shopping yesterday.  No jacket, nothing that I wanted.  All they jackets they had in the store were so similar to the ones I have, it would have felt like I was wearing the old one.  Got a couple pair of shoes and low boots...two for one sale.  I can NEVER turn that down. Besides, I have such bad feet, when I find something that feels good, I stock up on it.

Today I plan on staying in.  Hubby went to work today, and my son is still in Michigan....due back Wednesday eve.   And when I look at it, this will probably be the first and only 'me' day of my vacation.  A 'me' day is a day that I am totally alone...from morning til night...a day that I can strip naked and run through the house if I wish (not a pretty sight, but fun anyway)...a day when I am  free to be totally 'me'. 

Loving Yourself is Healing the World!--Jayme Gerard

Wasn't always this way. There was a time that I hated these alone days, a time when I just couldn't stand to be with myself. I always had to be with someone...doing something.  Being alone was cause to think...and thinking wasn't allowed.  It got to the point where I clung so to my loved ones...my boys...hubby.  Wherever he went, I had to go.  At first, well, you know how it is in the beginning of a relationship, you can never see enough of each other...but, then the time comes round when you need some space from each other; no, I wasn't ready for that.  Not being with hubby meant being by myself, and talk about tantrums.  It's no lie when I say I acted like a spoiled little child...storming around, slamming doors, crying, accusing.  Why, it got so bad that I almost drove him out of my life; I was suffocating him.

And then one day came the clincher; he turned to me and said, "I have to leave.  I can't take this anymore."  I pleaded, I cried, "I'll change, I promise I will."  By now, tears were flowing freely down my cheeks...and they just weren't working anymore. "I love you, but you're clinging so that you are pushing me away." he replied.  This was the first relationship I'd ever had where someone cared about me, about what made ME happy...someone who encouraged ME to be the best that I could be instead of focusing on what I could do for them,...and here I was, I was throwing it all away because of my crazy insecurities. I knew what I had to do.  "I'll get help," I whispered...and that day back in 1992, I made a decision that was going to change my life.

I grew up, an only child, in a family where children were to be seen and not heard; hence, I had  never felt valued as a child. It was a lonely life, and one in which I never felt I could live up to everyone's expectations of me.  As a result, I had spent most of my adult life searching for some type of emotional connections. Trouble was, time after time again , I drew those Me First, emotionally unavailable people into my life.  Loving myself? What the heck was that? I was too busy doing for everyone else, so busy that there was no room for loving myself. 

Well, it took some time in counseling and a lot of digging around in the past...bringing up a lot of crap I'd buried long ago, and surprisingly, as it all began to come out, I started feeling better about my self...and eventually, saw myself coming out of the darkness as I began to see the light...not that I am cured.  There's still stuff buried in there that hasn't come forward yet, may never come forward, but I have no fear; I know I can handle it if and when it does.  And part of healing, is learning to spend time with yourself, learning how to be with yourself, to love yourself.

And so look where I am...right back where I started from...Me Time. I have a tendency to go off in tangents, so you will have to forgive me. I no longer get lonely or bored. In fact, I need my solitude, I absolutely love and savor that quiet, downtime when no one is around, that rare chance to be alone, to sleep whenever I feel like sleeping, to eat whatever I want and when I want, to catch up with a good book or a film, or just to rest my body and mind so that I can again join the world, refreshed and with a new outlook on things.

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself."  ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Virgo

Ah, another wonderful day here in the city.  I plan hop on the bus to do some shopping for some fall items. Haven't bought a fall jacket in a few years now. You know, I mentioned to hubby yesterday that I have NEVER been able to go take advantage of the Labor Day sales.  That's because I never had any money, but now that it's been over a year since I stopped smoking, I find that there are many fun things that I could never do because my addiction took all that I had.  So, for all you smokers out there....stop now and not only will you get your health back, but also be able to do some nice little things for yourself. Treat yourself once in awhile.
 

Well, it sure does feel like it's Virgo's time....Autumn, one of the loveliest times of the year a time of cool breezes, blue skies, leaves of many colors. Virgo is here, the sixth sign of the Zodiac that heralds the end of summer; it is Virgo who announces the harvest. We are all now under the influence of the Virgo energy field which began on  August 22nd. (I know.  I'm a little late.) The word Virgo means simply "unmarried woman" and actually has nothing at all to do with sexuality. In fact, it denotes a woman who does not belong to any man, a woman who is a person whole within herself. Virgo is a mutable Earth element.  Virgo does not need a man to identify herself through. It also means "intact", and in a psychological sense, this would include being self-sufficient and able to take responsibility for one's actions.  We find many such women in the world of myth.  It has always been the myth of Demeter and Persephone that is most associated with Virgo.

I was going to repeat the myth here, I am sure everyone has heard the tale of Demeter (the harvest) and Persephone (planted seed);  as Virgo is preparing for the harvest season, Persephone is preparing to leave the world and to seek out the darkness once again. In general, we find Demeter to be portrayed as the possessive, grieving, raging, withholding, and refusing to 'let go of' Mother archetype. But, there is another side to her as well....that of the unconditionally loving, perfect, and all-nourishing Earth Mother; she represents the natural order of things and symbolizes abundance and fertility. Hence, Demeter  goddess of the fertile Earth controls the sequence of crop cycles, insures the gathering of the harvest, and its wise use into the next spring.

A seed must be buried in order grow, but first it must die. Each year the Mother Earth, Demeter, sacrifices her daughter, Persephone, who is taken as a bride to the underworld by Hades who allows his wife to visit her mother for half of the year...during which time the earth become fertile and is covered with green. The other half of year Mother Earth remains barren, grieving for her daughter.  The death and resurrection of Proserpine maintains the natural order as she properly fulfills the universal law of seasonal change in her own being.

Whichever way you choose to look at it, Virgo/Demeter concerns the transformative personality from a childlike or virginal state into a wiser and more mature personality which is represented by the fruition of the harvest.  She is the mother who must sacrifice her young child to another world, the first stage of severing the bonds of mother and child so that the child can enter new realms...meaning, to establish that sense of independence from their parents as they enter into the world of adulthood.  Those of us who have gone through the empty-nest syndrome can empathize with Demeter's pain.

Virgo is often depicted sitting in a boat while holding a flame in one hand and a chaff of grain in the other.  She appears to be moving gently and effortlessly moving with the flow of the evolving and manifesting current.  The Virgo archetype represents the principle of Universal justice, which happens when natural laws are obeyed.  When they are not obeyed, adjustments are made to re-establish natural order. We may not like or agree with  the consequences of these adjustments, but in Virgo  we find appreciation for life's simple pleasures and an appreciation of every part that contributes to the fabric of life. 
Within this light, Virgo as an archetype, bears a very humble essence.  This humility has it’s obvious positive contributions. But the shadow side of humility can be lack of self-esteem.  We all face darkness and light in our lives.

And just as all the other archetypes, Virgo is also within all of us. She whispers to us: stay clean, innocent and immaculate!  She represents our consciousness! She is reliable in monitoring the world, always warning of impeding danger. Admonishing, accusing, it is Virgo who chides you into being a good person.

Self-Acceptance

We do not see things as they are.
We see them as we are.

~ The Talmud ~

Well, today I can honestly say that my vacation has finally begun.  Yesterday was a day filled with work...food shopping and cooking...but today...today is a different story.  Today is a day of rest...and I plan to take full advantage of it.  Already I have slept until 9:30 am; it's been so long that I've done that that I cannot even remember the last time it was.

There is one bit of work that I do plan to do in this upcoming week is to start getting some of the fall clothes ready and packing the ones from summer that I know will not be worn again this year...and sorting those that I haven't worn for years.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I have clothing that I love, clothing that I have never been able to part with...clothing in a size 10....and I am a size 2X. It's been many a year since I was able to squeeze into those size 10's, yet, in the hopes that I will lose SO much that I will be able to wear them again (I know, irrational thinking), I dig them out, only to pack them away. 

Is it really the clothes I love so much?  Or is it the fact that they represent what I once was?  Am I that unhappy with who I am?  This year, I have decided to let them go...once and for all. I've grown this year, and not all of it has to do with weight.  I've grown inside, in my soul.  I have to learn how to accept that life is a series of changes...both inside and out.  Our hair turns gray and our faces wrinkle....and our weight usually increases.  And this is something that we all must learn to accept.

Don't believe what your eyes are telling you.
All they show is limitation.
Look with your understanding,
find out what you already know,
and you'll see the way to fly.
--Richard Bach--
(from 'Johnathan Livingstone Seagull') ~ 
 

Self-acceptance.  Many of us look into the mirror and find that we do not like what we see. So, we battle constantly with ourselves as we try to alter who we really are.  And the media doesn't help with its images of so-called perfection that we are constantly exposed to on television and in books and magazines; it's no wonder we are sometimes left with such feelings of imperfection that we make ourselves unhappy by striving for that outer beauty that may  never be.  And, while we may gain by self-improvement in certain ways, we forget that the basic core of self is perfectly fine, the true beauty comes from within.

To judge ourselves so harshly or to dismiss our importance is to deny the happiness that is inherently ours.  Just as we cannot draw water from a rock, we cannot obtain true happiness when we do not like who we are. And when we do not like who we are, we continuously belittle ourselves and reject ourselves, creating an environment that mirrors all of our negative thoughts rather than enhances and helps us to achieve the positive, self-enhancing life we so desperately want.
  
Sure, I'll admit it.  For many years I was that person, but I have come to realize that time passes so quickly, and so much of it can be wasted if we are always worried about what we see when we look into the mirror...our outer shell, nothing more, for that is all it is.  It's not really who we are.  I have learned that whatever you have right now, accept it. That is who you are, who your were meant to be. With the wisdom of age I have realized that it is what is inside that truly counts. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and those who have beauty in their soul, will see more beauty in the world around them.  I choose to see the beauty all around me.

The best and most beautiful things in the world
cannot be seen nor touched
but are felt in the heart.

--Helen Keller--