Tuesday Ramble

No one likes having offended another person; hence everyone feels so much better if the other person doesn't show he's been offended. Nobody likes being confronted by a wounded spaniel. Remember that. It is much easier patiently -- and tolerantly -- to avoid the person you have injured than to approach him as a friend. You need courage for that.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

 (My kitchen.  Won't be looking so neat on Thursday)

Yesterday, a very pleasant Asian  couple was assigned to sit with us at our lunch table.  We are really supposed to be switched daily, for socialization purposes, I guess, but some of us regulars have been allowed to sit at the same table every day.  At our table two seats are empty and different people sit there every day. The Asian man could speak no English and the woman spoke with a heavily broken accent.  And, as often happens, it turns out she understood more than she spoke.  

The regulars at my table include a very nice Spanish woman and a lovely older woman and her husband.  She is 84, he is 88, and it amazes me how they get around.  The energy vampire appears to have flown the coop. (Sigh of relief). I love the two women I sit with, but the husband has a  'biting' tongue at times. I don't like it, but I am used to him.  For example, one time I was running a wee bit late and said good morning, then put my things on the table,  "I'll be right back" and hurried to put in my dollar for Bingo.  As I took off I heard him say, "Don't hurry", to which the Spanish woman responded, "That wasn't nice.  She doesn't do anything to anyone."  I would like to believe it's his age, but I am inclined to believe that he has always been a miserable person. 

And generally, I have learned that someone says hurtful things to somebody else because they are  feeling insecure.  I have seen the way he is with his wife.  He is resentful of her having friends, and truth be told, he doesn't even seem to notice it. It is a sad relationship, indeed.

So, why don't I move to another table, you may ask?  Good question, and one I have asked myself as well.  I guess I might say that I am a 'creature of habit'. I was seated at table 13 on my first day at the Center and have stayed ever since. And I so love the number 13.  Besides, after that one episode, he's not said anything unkind to or about me...at least not that I heard...and I do so love the two ladies at the table. I'd hate to be put in a position of giving  up the friendly conversations we share.

Now, back to the Asian couple.  I didn't mean to veer off topic as I always seem to do, but I did want to explain a wee bit so that it wouldnt surprise you when I tell you that the man greeted them with a "They should all eat downstairs with their kind." (Most of the Asian clients stay on the second floor, not because of any discrimination, but because most of the activities they enjoy are located there.) The couple just sat there, seemingly oblivious to what he had said. I looked over at the woman, smiled, and said "Welcome".  She smiled back in return.  

I had assumed that she had not understood what he said, so you can imagine my surprise when, as we were discussing our Thanksgiving plans, she said very clearly, "We always have a turkey on Thanksgiving."  I was not only taken aback by her remark that they celebrate the holiday just as we do, but I then realized that she must have understood the husband's hurtful words. I shuddered when I remembered how badly hurtful words had made me feel. 

So, why did I remain silent, you may ask?  Why didn't I speak up?  Well, it would not have done any good, and perhaps would have made it worse. The Asian woman took his remark in stride.  For me to step in would only have caused further harm to everyone at the table.

Words can hurt or words can heal. They are powerful. When we were children one of our favorite sayings was 'Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me." So untrue, for, contrary to what the saying says,  unkind words can hurt just as much as a slap in the face and hurt so much longer. Think about the words you use because what you say does matter and words do make an impact. Take it from someone who knows.

Drop a pebble in the water: just a splash, and it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on,
Spreading, spreading from the center, flowing on out to the sea.
And there is no way of telling where the end is going to be.

Drop a pebble in the water: in a minute you forget,
But there's little waves a-flowing, and there's ripples circling yet,
And those little waves a-flowing to a great big wave hove grown;
You've disturbed a mighty river just by dropping in a stone.

Drop an unkind word, or careless: in a minute it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on.
The keep spreading, spreading, spreading from the center as they go,
And there is no way to stop them, once you've started them to flow.

Drop an unkind word, or careless: in a minute you forget;
But there's little waves a-flowing, and there's ripples circling yet,
And perhaps in some sad heart a mighty wave of tears you've stirred,
And disturbed a life was happy ere you dropped that unkind word.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness: just a flash and it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on,
Bearing hope and joy and comfort on each splashing, dashing wave
Till you wouldn't believe the volume of the one kind word you gave.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness: in a minute you forget;
But there's gladness still a-swelling, and there's joy a circling yet,
And you've rolled a wave of comfort whose sweet music can be heard
Over miles and miles of water just by dropping one kind word.

J.W. Foley