Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.
Well, my first day back to work was rather uneventful, not as busy as I had expected. I'd forgotten that when a counselor takes a week's vacation, the client takes two. It's been that way since I first began this career. And, because I had completed all paperwork before I went on vacation, there was no unmanageable pile to return to.
I had a terrible night last night, though. Insomnia. I'd expected to sleep well because I was exhausted, but it just didn't work the way I planned. My mind tends to fixate on things, and I can lay there and ruminate all night. Irrational thoughts. Last night would be just 'silly' if I didn't feel so darned miserable this morning. Hubby was complaining that the computer was too slow and mentioned that he'd like to get a new one. Now, it's not 'that' slow, but he expects it to come on immediately. He has no understanding of how they work; they have to warm up. Much as I'd love a new computer, my mind began working overtime on the programs I have installed on this one, especially my Legacy.
That is my family tree program, and although I haven't used it for awhile, I've got over a thousand names on there, and do plan on one day continuing with my transfer from the Ancestry site to Legacy where I can prepare everything in book form. What happens to that when I change computers? How can I not lose everything? Where is the original disk? I ordered the program five years ago. Did it, too , get lost in the move? What if I can't find it? I know my son will know how to transfer things. That's the rational part of my thoughts. The irrational part prefers to play the worry wort.
And then my mind would move onto something else...such as 'How am I going to work with no sleep?' All these insane, nonsensical questions played over and over in my head all night long. And then there is the clock watching. It's an awful feeling to look at the clock and realize you have to get up in an hour or so, yet haven't been to sleep. Had I not been on vacation last week, this would have been a sick day for me.
So, there you have it. I'm going to think positive thoughts. The day will go better than I am expecting. I just know it is.
A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
and soon the small birds' melodies
Must hear, first utter'd from my orchard trees,
And the first cuckoo's melancholy cry.
Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay,
And could not win thee, Sleep, by any stealth:
So do not let me wear to-night away.
Without thee what is all the morning's wealth?
Come, blessed barrier between day and day,
Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!
William Wordsworth, "To Sleep"