Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking. 
 -Clifton Fadiman-

Well, my first day back to work was rather uneventful, not as busy as I had expected.  I'd forgotten that when a counselor takes a week's vacation, the client takes two.  It's been that way since I first began this career. And, because I had completed all paperwork before I went on vacation, there was no unmanageable pile to return to.

I had a terrible night last night, though.  Insomnia.  I'd expected to sleep well because I was exhausted, but it just didn't work the way I planned. My mind tends to fixate on things, and I can lay there and ruminate all night. Irrational thoughts.  Last night would be just 'silly' if I didn't feel so darned miserable this morning.  Hubby was complaining that the computer was too slow and mentioned that he'd like to get a new one. Now, it's not 'that' slow, but he expects it to come on immediately.  He has no understanding of how they work; they have to warm up. Much as I'd love a new computer, my mind began working overtime on the programs I have installed on this one, especially my Legacy.

That is my family tree program, and although I haven't used it for awhile, I've got over a thousand names on there, and do plan on one day continuing with my transfer from the Ancestry site to Legacy where I can prepare everything in book form.  What happens to that when I change computers?  How can I not lose everything?  Where is the original disk?  I ordered the program five years ago. Did it, too , get lost in the move? What if I can't find it?  I know my son will know how to transfer things. That's the rational part of my thoughts.  The irrational part prefers to play the worry wort.

And then my mind would move onto something else...such as 'How am I going to work with no sleep?' All these insane, nonsensical questions played over and over in my head all night long. And then there is the clock watching.  It's an awful feeling to look at the clock and realize you have to get up in an hour or so, yet haven't been to sleep.  Had I not been on vacation last week, this would have been a sick day for me.

So, there you have it.  I'm going to think positive thoughts.  The day will go better than I am expecting.  I just know it is.  

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky -
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
and soon the small birds' melodies 
Must hear, first utter'd from my orchard trees, 
And the first cuckoo's melancholy cry. 
Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay, 
And could not win thee, Sleep, by any stealth: 
So do not let me wear to-night away. 
Without thee what is all the morning's wealth? 
Come, blessed barrier between day and day, 
Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!

William Wordsworth, "To Sleep"


  1. I am so sorry about your insomnia. I've only experienced it a few times in my life and it was HORRIBLE. Hopefully tonight you will reset.

  2. I feel your pain - it's an age thing. I take 2 melatonin tablets before bed. I also make sure the room is as dark as it can be. If I wake in the middle of the night and don't get right back to bed, I take a 5-HTP capsule (any vitamin health food store) This works to relax me, and it also is a godsend when one has age/menopause related fibromyalgia. I wake up less sore than usual. I am not a "pill popper" by any stretch of the imagination, (I tend to go the other way) but I, like you got to the point that not sleeping was a bigger health/wellbeing risk.

    Maybe you can talk to your son and get a feel for how big a problem it will be to transfer your information to a new computer. I think I had a moment last night when I too worried about computer backups! :) crazy!!!

  3. Everything gets bigger during a sleepless night. Problems become overwhelming, worries become obsessive, and the darn clock hands creep slower and slower in the beginning, then suddenly zoom to alarm time. Hopefully tonight you will sleep soundly. Try some warm milk and a rock in the rocking chair just before bed.

  4. CHANGE ...is not my friend ! Not in any arena.
    Whether it be a PC or a blog or any way other mthing other than what I am use to doing.:0(
    I'm such a "Poor Sport." I shit you not!
    Hoping you find "sleep" tonight. (((hugs)))Pat

  5. Insomnia... -sigh- So sorry you suffer from it.

    And I am grateful that I don't.<--That is not meant to sound smug! Just saying that I am wise enough, to be grateful.

    Gentle hugs...

  6. Oh, you always do find the best poems. Sigh. I've had several sleepless nights this week too. Feeling like a zombie this morning, but I can find a spot in the day to take a nap. I imagine they frown on that at the office?

    I do hope your first day back is a stress-free one, and I hope that sleep makes you a better friend tonight.

  7. You too? Last night I awoke at 3:30...and sat and sat, wondering and worrying over the useless crap, like you. I've been out of Melatonin and need to get more but have to wait for my check to come in.

    Age, Fibromyalgia, all of that are such wonderful contributors to insomnia aren't they?
    Thankfully I have a wonderful Doctor who gives me something for the nights that are so over the top I haven't gotten rest in days...that is when I finally break down and take something.

    I loved your poems today Mary! Here's to a good nights rest my Dear with no interuptions!

  8. Sorry you had a tough night last night sweet friend......tonight will be better....I'm just sure of it.



  9. So sorry you couldn't sleep and that your monkey mind was working overtime. Have you tried Rescue Remedy? That helps me sometimes to let it go and relax.