As Monday Rolls Around

Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down. Natalie Goldberg Whew!!!! The weekend is over and for once, I have to say I am glad to get back to work. Saturday I did the food shopping and my two week's worth of cooking. Going to the supermarket has become quite stressful for me. Yes, I am used to my little Met Food that I knew by heart; hence, I could whiz through it. And, I know I must get used to change, but my new Met Food is a bit beyond ridiculous. Nothing is where it should be. For example, at the pet department in the front of the store. After loading up my cart with cat food and litter box liners, I'm searching all over for the litter. Is it there? No, I find it way in the back of the store, up on a shelf so high I can barely reach it. When I do manage to get hold of a bag, it just about falls on my head.  I also needed some windex.  On a bottom shelf in the cleaning supplies, I find a large windex refill, but no windex.  After spending several minutes looking for it, I give up and move halfway up the aisle to the dish detergent.  Guess what?  Right next to it is the windex I was looking for.  Frozen foods are located in the center aisle of the store so backtracking is a must.  It is just so time-consuming when things are not organized. It took me two hours to get through it all, and another hour and a half for it to be delivered.

Then, it was immediately off to cooking because by 5 pm I was expecting people to bless my house.  For that, I made of a tray of cheese, crackers, and fruit.  It went well, but ran a lot longer than I had originally thought it would ...and half of it was in Spanish to accommodate the people who came with my sister-in-law which really made for a long night.  All in all it went well though.  My sister-in-law said that she felt the positive aura of this house the moment she stepped through the door.  Her first words were, "I love it." And, so do I.  I'd half expected my old landlady to call me, but she hasn't.  I am so much at peace now.

Yesterday my son moved out, and I've been feeling teary-eyed.  It's not the first time he spread his wings, but somehow this time is different, and I am missing him so.  Both of my children were born into a marriage of physical and emotional abuse and a father who exerted total control over them.  When I left their dad, I guess neither of them knew how they should feel.  Part of them knew that their dad had treated me wrong and it was something I had to do, and the other side loved their dad; hence, they were resentful over the break-up.  Mixed emotions so to speak. I never tried to turn them against their dad, but I was also dealing with his threats because I took his children away so I couldn't allow them to see him as often as they wanted.  (Actually, he was lucky to see them at all).  

Fast forward to 1991.  I met my current husband, and although the boys both liked him, their real dad was still the apple of their eye.  They were growing older and choosing to spend more time with him.  Then he developed and died from a rare form of groin cancer in 1997.  The boys lived with me and hubby full-time.  

All was going well, or should I say, we all got along.  We'd never really been able to develop those loving relationships I saw other family's have, but I wondered if that was how boys were with their mother.  When my youngest hit 20, he moved out on his own, and my eldest moved out shortly thereafter.  He and his girlfriend moved clear to another state.  I loved and missed them both, but as far as an empty-nest syndrome, I found myself enjoying being able to walk about naked if I wanted and having a huge room for storage.  I'd joke about my cat having her own room with a full bed.  

Fast forward to five years ago.  My son and his girlfriend had already been split up for a few years when he lost everything in a fire and asked if he could stay with us until he got back on his feet again.  Something happened this time around. Maybe it is because he was older and has been on his own, but one day he said, "Mom, I don't blame you for leaving daddy anymore.  He was mean to you." We developed that mother/son relationship that hadn't been there before. And during these years, my health has deteriorated to the point where it is harder for me to get around (I suffer from fibromyalgia and moderate COPD).  He's been my savior, running about doing things for me.  Hubby does what he can, but he is not well himself...liver disease and COPD.  

I'm not going to try to deny it. I have been reluctant to let him go. But, it's really not fair to him for me to hold on.  He has to be free to live his life, just as I claimed my own life so many years ago.  I knew I was going to feel bad, but I didn't know I would hurt so much. The house feels empty.  Even my little kitty is feeling I feel  a sense of sadness, loneliness.  I cried last night until there were no tears left. Is this what the empty nest syndrome feels like?  And, how long will it last?

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children 

as living arrows are sent forth.

Khalil Gibran