Monday Musings

God is the experience of looking at a tree and saying, "Ah!"

-- Joseph Campbell --

 I pass the above tree on my way to food shopping every week.  For some reason I am drawn to it; I just feel a special closeness to her.  It's obvious when you see her up close that she is not one of the newly planted city trees.  Indeed, her  gnarly branches speak to me of a time long, long ago.  Each week I tell myself that I must snap a picture of it, and each time I go shopping I forget to bring my camera.  Yesterday I made a special trip just for this purpose.

I can only hope that this doesn't happen to her.  This was once a magnificent old tree.

Had a nice weekend.  Bought all of my pots, soil, and seeds--basil, oregano, chives, and parsley--and I even bought some marigold and sweet pea to plant.  Didn't get started yet.  My son has to get out there and give the porch a good cleaning, and besides, here in Brooklyn, there is still quite a chill in the air at night.  I want this all to go right.

So, I spent this weekend organizing, tossing out papers, packing heavy winter things that I know I will not need again this year, and getting out and rinsing some spring items.  I am pretty proud of myself all that I managed to accomplish.  And all of it counted towards some heavy duty exercise which I am sure really helped with my diet.

My diet is going great, and I am just so proud of myself.  I'm really determined this time.  I'm far too overweight.  I eat lunch now when I am hungry and am no longer involved in that craziness of "What are we going to eat today?"  I usually eat no later than 1 pm....a healthy soup, a Smart Ones, or a chicken and vegetable dish I had made, portioned, and frozen when I want a change in lunch.  Snacks have included blueberries, strawberries, and grapes, but I discovered that, by the end of the day, I would be doubled up with cramping.  Upon doing some research, it turns up that we who suffer from IBS must add certain fruits slowly into our diet...and these included blueberries and grapes because their skin is hard to digest.  

Just waiting anxiously now for my first week's weigh-in.  Hopefully there will be some movement on the scale.

When you enter a grove peopled with ancient trees,
higher than
the ordinary, and shutting out the sky
with their thickly inter-twined branches,
do not the stately shadows of the wood,
the stillness of the place,
and the awful gloom of this doomed cavern
then strike you with the presence of a deity?
-- Seneca --

Some April Tidbits

And Spring arose on the garden fair,
Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;
And each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast
rose from the dreams of its wintry rest.

- Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Sensitive Plant
-

Spring has sprung.  At least it felt that way last night as I headed home from work, but, of course, Mother Nature has been rather fickle this year, and more than once has lulled me into the mistaken idea that winter has finally gone.  Why, it was just last Friday that I sat in my office watching the snowflakes as they blew in the wind.  I even remember one Easter that fell in mid-April a blizzard that left behind about three feet of snow.  Easter was cancelled that year; everyone was snowed in.  This was about 40 years ago, and I was still a country girl.  Anyone remember that one?

....But, generally, April is a rather gentle month that warms both our bodies and our spirits. I have to say it is my favorite, a month that brings me so much joy as I watch the delicate blossoms push up through the soil and small animals that hibernate come out of their burrows. The birds fly back northward and settle down to have their families, serenading me with the joyful trill of their songs.  The bees and butterflies begin to gather nectar from the first flowers of the season. Everywhere you look, new life is beginning to emerge. April is the month to celebrate the sacred rebirth.

In some parts of the world, it is harvest season, and while we are celebrating rebirth and renewal, they are preparing for a time of rest and reflection. But, wherever you are located, April always begins with a day of fun and jokes - April Fool's Day. Arbor Day is a day for celebrating and planting trees, and it is observed on various April days. The Jewish festival of Passover, the eight day observance which commemorates the freedom and exile of the Israelites, is celebrated in April. This year it begins in the diaspora at sundown on April 18th. Easter is almost always in April, and, this year is actually quite late...April 24th. With it comes the other Christian celebrations such as Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, and Good Friday.

The month of April was called Eostre month by our Pagan ancestors, and Easter was at one time an ancient Pagan festival, held in the spring of the year, in the month of April, in honor of the great goddess of sensual love, known in different nations and at different times by the names of Astarte, Isis, Aphrodite, Venus, Flora, Ceres, Ashtaroth, Diana, Eostre, and Easter. The 40 days of  Lent is also borrowed from Paganism.

The word Lent comes from a Germanic root meaning Spring but is more often associated with the 40 days from Ash Wednesday to Easter Saturday. It originated in the Babylonian pagan religion, but was folded into Christianity when the Roman Empire adopted Christianity as its official religion.  Legend has it that Tammuz, the Mesopotamian god of fertility, was killed by a wild boar when he was 40 years old.  Accordingly, 40 days of weeping, a day for each year of his life, were set aside for weeping and fasting so that he would once again come forth from the Underworld and cause Spring to begin.  This observance was known not only at Babylon, but also among the Phoenicians, Egyptians, Mexicans, and, for a time, even among the Israelites.

The resurrection of our Saviour at that season of the year was seized upon by the Roman Church as a convenient pretext, or opportunity, for adopting this Pagan festival. It is by birth, by name, and even by manner of celebration, a Pagan festival, and wholly outside the pale of Christian ordinances. A decree of the council of Nice in AD 325 rendered the time for the celebration of Easter the same in all the churches.

"Come, fill the Cup, and in the Fire of Spring
The Winter Garment of Repentance fling
The Bird of Time has but a little way
To fly -- and Lo! The Bird is on the Wing.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it."

- Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám- 

Wishing you all a springlike weekend filled with magic and joy.  

Thank You

When we are no longer able to change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.- Viktor Frankl...from Man's Search For Meaning -

 Just wanted to thank everyone for their comments yesterday; yes, even  those who used some tough love because I needed it.  I do appreciate all of your concern.  I had really debated posting about  what was going on because I didn't want to lay my problems on you, and also because there is that part of me who has to appear strong.  I guess that comes from never really being allowed to be a child because from a young age I had to take care of myself.  Then, after  years of abusive relationships I developed an independence that makes it hard for me to admit any of my weaknesses.  I guess what I am trying to say is that it took a lot for me to finally open up and share this with you all.

Yes, it has been very frustrating at work lately, and yes, I still have that tendency to still be that very people-pleaser that I thought I had left behind; I do take on more than my share perhaps because it is very hard for me to admit that I can't do like I used to.  I've decided that my first step next week will be to sit down with my Clinical Supervisor next week and explain exactly how I have been feeling in a way that she understands,  and if I can't get through to her, then I guess it will be time to go over her head.  I think a lot of my frustration, too, stems from the new paperwork rules of our funding sources.   It seems that just about every discharge or treatment plan I do is returned for some petty little changes. That has been  happening to all of us, not just me, but to redo your work several times for trivial little things is so darned frustrating.  I've always been taught that client treatment comes first, but lately the paperwork has become more important than the client. It has become overwhelming, and it also makes one feel incompetent when their work is always returned...even though you know that you are not. 

So thank you all for your words of wisdom.  Just getting all that gook out  of my system was helpful.  I learned a long time ago that stuffing things always ends up biting back at you in the long run. I guess why that's why they say that the counselor needs a therapist.  Spending so much time with other people's negative energies, somehow blurs your boundaries and you somehow lose sight of who you are. 

This weekend I do plan on getting out and getting some fresh air into my system and hopefully begin working on my herb garden.  I know that getting out and working with nature will do me a world of good  It always has  When I thought I was going to lose hubby to lose hubby 19 years ago, it was in nature that I found my serenity.  On weekends, I have a tendency  to lock myself up like a hermit, and although I do love my solitude, I do know that one also has to connect with the world as well.  When I spend too much time alone, solitude is no longer beneficial. 

If you think your whole life is going wrong
just because so much of it is going wrong,
then you're wrong.
Mostly when things go wrong,
they're meant to go wrong,
so we can outgrow what we have to outgrow.

- Author Unknown -

This Isnt a Rant...or at Least it Isn't Meant to Be

The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge of life, and then the promise of future accomplishments. --Gustave Flaubert

This isn't meant to be a rant although it might sound like one.  In truth, this is a sharing of my feelings.  When I am feeling really down, writing out my thoughts is very healing to me.  I've debated about sharing this for a couple of weeks now.  I've not been feeling well lately although I try to keep up that mask that doesn't let others in.  My ailment isn't physical although the pain from my fibro does play a part.  Indeed, my pain is more mental, more to do with the emotions.  Sometimes it is getting such a struggle for me just to climb out of bed, and it's all because I dread going to work.  I hate to use depression, but what is it when dreamland feels so much better than real life?

I've been so unhappy lately and I'm so tired.  I am so very tired.  I have already faced that fact that I cannot continue to work at the pace that I did when I was young, but I can't get that through to my supervisors. I am wearing down and burning out.  I need a vacation, but as I shared yesterday, the three days I asked for were denied.  As a matter of fact, I should be on vacation today, but here I am because I was the one denied.  I've not had a vacation since November, and have four weeks I can take, but all I asked was three days.  And, I am not asking for an easy pass.  I'd just like to see the work doled out more fairly so we all do an even amount.

I am frustrated that I am constantly overworked.  In my opinion, when one does a good job, they should be rewarded, but  I almost feel as if I am being penalized.  It's like the more you do, the more they pile on you.  I run four groups a week while there are others who just run one, and have a larger caseload than anyone else...and the intakes just keep coming in.  When I mention the groups, which is often now, I am told 'we'll work on it' in one breath, and the next, they try to soup me up with, 'they are important groups, and no one can run them better than you.'  Don't all bosses say things like that when they know they are doing you dirty?

And the same goes with the intakes.  I'm already managing a caseload higher than anyone else.  An example is, I have 28 active clients; my office mate has nine.  Yet, each week I get an intake, and she gets none. When I mention that it is too much, I am told, 'He is very nice.  You're the only one here that I trust to work with him.'  That's a bunch of crap. The fact is, I am too easygoing, and you know that you can get over on me.   Well, maybe that is not the fact, but that is the way I am feeling right now. I am feeling like I am being used.  

My work ethic has always been good, perhaps too good because I guess I was what you would call a workaholic.  I have always felt that it you are going to do a job, then you should do it right so I have always taken pride in my work.   Wherever I have worked I have done the best that I could.  Now, I am beginning to wonder if that is really worth it, for while I am busting my butt seeing client after client, my office mate is playing games on the computer, another is looking up her daily transits, and two others are sitting in an office schmoozing because they have nothing else to do.  

So, what do I do?  Do I continue to work at this pace until I burnout altogether and can no longer work?  Or do I toss my work ethics out the window and act like all the rest of them.  Talking with my bosses has done no good.  I've even gone so far as to plead with them to no avail.  I don't know which way to turn at this point.  I think what bothers me the most is this feeling of helplessness, of having no choices.  It is just too expensive living here in the city, and what social security will pay me is just not going to cut it.  And hubby's job and all of his doctors are here.  At 64, job hunting is out of the question.  I don't have it in me anymore.   I just can't imagine pounding the pavement.  And, jobs are so scarce here in the city.  Any suggestions?

Meanwhile, the WW diet is going well.  As a matter of fact, before I began I thought, 'Oh 29 points daily.  I will be hungry.'  but there are so many free foods that I am finding it hard to hit the 29 points...which you need to use if you hope to lose weight.  I did splurge when I did my shopping and spend $6.49 on the WW chocolate ice cream sandwiches.  I was hesitant because that's a lot of money for 6 ice creams, but it is oh, so worth it.  They are scrumptious.  Melt in your mouth chocolate  My lunches have consisted of a variety of Smart Ones with fruit for snacks  Dinner is whatever meat and veggies.  Right now I am so tired of rice and beans (Hubby is Domincan so that is a staple in our household)

To end on a happier note, this weekend I plan to start my herb garden on my back porch  I was in the store the other day, and saw the cutest little bunnies and gnomes which were just made for container gardening.  I'm getting really excited about this, and I think it will really help to relieve the depressive symptoms I have been feeling lately.  Having something to do with my hands has always helped me, and some of my happiest years were spent in my previous house working in my magical garden.   

All right.  Now that I have probably dampened the spirits of the rest of you, I am feeling better that I have finally been able to share these feelings with someone.  Oh, I do have hubby, and he does listen and offer good advice, but sometimes you have to hear it from elsewhere.  And I know, only a few short weeks ago, my co-workers gave me the most wonderful day, but this isn't about my co-workers.  This is about management.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get these feelings out. 

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside,

somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God.

Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes

to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists,

and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort

for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be.

Anne Frank

A Rainy Day in April

"Sweet April showers
Do spring May flowers."

-  Thomas Tusser -

Good afternoon on this rainy Tuesday afternoon.  I'm late posting today because I stayed home and climbed back under the covers.  My throat was a little sore, some sneezing, and a runny nose so I decided to stay home and take care of me.  Actually, too, I have accumulated so much sick time I am trying to get it down to something manageable.  As it stands now, I could take off twice a month for a year and still have time...and then, in January another 15 days are tacked on.   And, it is because I never took care of me that I have all that time.  

Hubby used to get so mad at me when I would go in sick or in so much pain I could barely make it to the subway.  He'd often say, "You're killing yourself, and after you're gone, they'll only just find someone else."  And you know what?  He was right.  I found that out when I asked for three days vacation and had it declined because someone else was off at that time.  Well, that would be all fine and dandy if you didn't let everyone take off the two weeks of Christmas holidays and leave only myself and one other counselor year after year  And, those are the times that I literally drag myself in when I am sick because I don't want to leave them stuck. 

Don't want this to turn into a rant, and it does seem to be turning that way.  I'm just hurt, that's all, and still smarting from my boss's refusal.  Also a little bewildered because I wanted off the next three days and was refused, so why does my office mate have off the same three days next week? It's nice to be personal friends with the boss, but that's also not honest, and I would hate to have the people whispering behind my back.   So I will stop now and climb my butt back under the covers and await the thunder showers they have predicted.  I love being in bed in stormy weather.  Nothing more soothing than the rain beating against the window.  

Here's hoping you all have a great day.

"When the clouds shake their hyssops, and the rain
Like holy water falls upon the plain,
'Tis sweet to gaze upon the springing grain
And see your harvest born.
And sweet the little breeze of melody
The blackbord puffs upon the budding tree,
While the wild poppy lights upon the lea
And blazes 'mid the corn."

-  Francis Ledwidge -

It's Healthy Diet Time

Note that I said healthy.  I've tried lots of those fad diets and they just don't work, or they do, and then you gain it all back.
Weight Watchers' diet officially began yesterday.  Saturday I did the food shopping and stocked up on healthier, WW approved foods.  I will say I was taken aback when my total was $243 (for two weeks and 3 grown people, not bad here in the city), about $45 more than usual, and all the way home I was picturing that extra money, but that's because I was only looking at the little picture.  Yes, I did pay more, but when you look at the larger picture, I am saving money...

...because included in that total is my breakfast and lunch at work for two weeks.  Those flavored oatmeal packs I had every day were $1.89 each.  That is $18.90 for two weeks just for cereal...and they are full of sugar.  This time I bought a large box of Special K which is healthy and only cost $5.69 for two weeks of breakfast.  And, by golly, the lunch money I save is tremendous.  This is an expensive city to live in, and lunch hovers around $7 daily, sometimes more, sometimes less.  That's $70 for two weeks of lunch...not to mention the snacks....and the daily scenario that follows.  It just goes to show how my day was consumed with thoughts of food.

About 12 pm, Jane calls  me, "What are you having for lunch?"

"I don't know; let's see what Evelyn wants." Seems Evelyn wants Chinese, the rest of us don't.

"I've been craving a beef patty with cheese from Rocket Joe's,' Abby adds.  "I could go for that," I reply.  

"I was thinking of Mexican," says my roommate. "My mouth has been watering for some Nachos and cheese."

"Oh, that sounds good," says Evelyn...now forgetting about the Chinese.  

"But, I wanted soup," says Denise.  "I thought we were getting Chinese."

"We haven't had Popeye's for awhile," adds my roommate.

"Mmm, I could go for that."  I say.  'So could I," says Abby.  Before long, we find ourselves all in agreement.  Popeye's it is.  By now it is 1 pm.  

"But they don't deliver," cries  Denise.  "Who is going to go pick it up?"  We all now look at each other, hoping that someone says 'I will', but none of us volunteer.  None of us wants to take that little walk.

So, guess what?  It's back to the drawing board.  By now I am getting nauseous and have begun snacking on the little goodies I keep (or kept) in my desk drawer, but if you notice something, I am never the one with the suggestion.  I am always the follower.  It is usually sometime between two and three that we finally decide what we are going to eat, and, by then, we are all so hungry that we don't even stop for air when we finally begin feeding our faces.  

And that, my dear friends, is a true rendition of the scenario that we follow day after day, week after week.  In sociology, it is a form of groupthink.  It seems that somewhere along the line we have lost our ability for independent thinking.  It also shows how spoiled we have become by expecting everything to be delivered to us.  Is it any wonder that all but one person in my office is overweight? 

Friday was the end for me.  Several of us ended up not even having any lunch because at 3 pm we were still going through the menus, and for me, hunger means nausea and crankiness.   I realized then that I cannot remain a part of the crowd; those days of following my peers because I was so anxious to fit in should have disappeared when I got out of high school.   Today marks the new me here at work...eat what I want, when I want.  Wish me luck.  I know if I stay focused I can do this.  After all, I did to stop smoking after doing so for 48 years....just by staying focused.

Void of Course Moon

Happy April Fools Day!   The Pisces Moon will be void of course all day and all night until it enters Aries early tomorrow morning.  Alas, this could very well  be a day of frustration and complications for all of us.  It will all be all right if you just remember to take it slow and easy.  Nothing that happens in a void of course Moon lasts for very long so be sure not to start anything of meaning...such as a new relationship...today.

The Moon's energy is receptive. When the Moon is about to to move from one sign to another, there is a period in which the Moon will no longer be in aspect to another planet while in that sign.  This period of time between the last major aspect of the sign and the Moon entering the next sign is called void of course. This is because there is no specific guiding energy force that is connecting to the Moon during this period.   The major difficulty when the Moon is void of course is that we tend to be less focused, and because of this, our judgment is not at its best and we tend to make poor decisions so it is a bad idea to start something new. Fortunately, these events are usually abandoned once the Moon makes a major aspect in its new sign.

The best course of action you can take during a void of course Moon is to avoid any type of commitments or intense situations.  This Moon is best for working with nonmaterial, passive activities such as yoga, meditation, prayer, and inner work.  It is also a good time to rest and recharge.  While it is okay to do a ritual at this time, it is not a good time to start on magical workings.

 The New Moon in Aries will take place on April 3rd, and many astrologers regard  this New Moon as the true beginning of the New Year because the Aries New Moon represents a new dawn, the beginning of the Moon cycle of the year.  Since Aries is considered as a first fire element, it brings with it a form of powerful energy that can bring renewal which forces people to look at new ways of doing things and encourages them to take new risks.  The energy we feel now is bold, ready for action, and easily enthused to start something new. This is a good time to begin new projects or to execute desired changes in our life. 

As for me, this is the weekend that I will begin my diet.  This Saturday will mark the first time that I do grocery shopping since I have decided to go with Weight Watcher's to lose this extra poundage.   Yes, I am finally going to take this  step...thanks to a wonderful blog buddy  who has become a powerful role model to me.  This is something I have been putting off because I love to eat so much, but it is something I have to do.  And, it's not all for vanity, either.  I've always been what they call small-boned so this extra 60 odd pounds is really messing with me.  I become short of breath too easily, and I can no longer blame it on smoking. 

And, I have fallen into such a vicious cycle of unhealthy behaviors.    Exercise of some sort, even if only a nice long walk, is necessary if one hopes to lose weight, but the extra weight I am carrying has made it difficult for me to get around, so I tend to hibernate on the weekends.  It's not that I don't want to go out, it's that I cannot enjoy myself like I used to.  I quit smoking because I wanted to hold on to life; now it is time to lose all of this weight that has been taking the joys of this life away from me.   

May you all have a wonderful weekend.  For those of you who are already experiencing spring weather, enjoy.  And, for those of us who are not...patience, it will be here soon.