This Isnt a Rant...or at Least it Isn't Meant to Be

The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge of life, and then the promise of future accomplishments. --Gustave Flaubert

This isn't meant to be a rant although it might sound like one.  In truth, this is a sharing of my feelings.  When I am feeling really down, writing out my thoughts is very healing to me.  I've debated about sharing this for a couple of weeks now.  I've not been feeling well lately although I try to keep up that mask that doesn't let others in.  My ailment isn't physical although the pain from my fibro does play a part.  Indeed, my pain is more mental, more to do with the emotions.  Sometimes it is getting such a struggle for me just to climb out of bed, and it's all because I dread going to work.  I hate to use depression, but what is it when dreamland feels so much better than real life?

I've been so unhappy lately and I'm so tired.  I am so very tired.  I have already faced that fact that I cannot continue to work at the pace that I did when I was young, but I can't get that through to my supervisors. I am wearing down and burning out.  I need a vacation, but as I shared yesterday, the three days I asked for were denied.  As a matter of fact, I should be on vacation today, but here I am because I was the one denied.  I've not had a vacation since November, and have four weeks I can take, but all I asked was three days.  And, I am not asking for an easy pass.  I'd just like to see the work doled out more fairly so we all do an even amount.

I am frustrated that I am constantly overworked.  In my opinion, when one does a good job, they should be rewarded, but  I almost feel as if I am being penalized.  It's like the more you do, the more they pile on you.  I run four groups a week while there are others who just run one, and have a larger caseload than anyone else...and the intakes just keep coming in.  When I mention the groups, which is often now, I am told 'we'll work on it' in one breath, and the next, they try to soup me up with, 'they are important groups, and no one can run them better than you.'  Don't all bosses say things like that when they know they are doing you dirty?

And the same goes with the intakes.  I'm already managing a caseload higher than anyone else.  An example is, I have 28 active clients; my office mate has nine.  Yet, each week I get an intake, and she gets none. When I mention that it is too much, I am told, 'He is very nice.  You're the only one here that I trust to work with him.'  That's a bunch of crap. The fact is, I am too easygoing, and you know that you can get over on me.   Well, maybe that is not the fact, but that is the way I am feeling right now. I am feeling like I am being used.  

My work ethic has always been good, perhaps too good because I guess I was what you would call a workaholic.  I have always felt that it you are going to do a job, then you should do it right so I have always taken pride in my work.   Wherever I have worked I have done the best that I could.  Now, I am beginning to wonder if that is really worth it, for while I am busting my butt seeing client after client, my office mate is playing games on the computer, another is looking up her daily transits, and two others are sitting in an office schmoozing because they have nothing else to do.  

So, what do I do?  Do I continue to work at this pace until I burnout altogether and can no longer work?  Or do I toss my work ethics out the window and act like all the rest of them.  Talking with my bosses has done no good.  I've even gone so far as to plead with them to no avail.  I don't know which way to turn at this point.  I think what bothers me the most is this feeling of helplessness, of having no choices.  It is just too expensive living here in the city, and what social security will pay me is just not going to cut it.  And hubby's job and all of his doctors are here.  At 64, job hunting is out of the question.  I don't have it in me anymore.   I just can't imagine pounding the pavement.  And, jobs are so scarce here in the city.  Any suggestions?

Meanwhile, the WW diet is going well.  As a matter of fact, before I began I thought, 'Oh 29 points daily.  I will be hungry.'  but there are so many free foods that I am finding it hard to hit the 29 points...which you need to use if you hope to lose weight.  I did splurge when I did my shopping and spend $6.49 on the WW chocolate ice cream sandwiches.  I was hesitant because that's a lot of money for 6 ice creams, but it is oh, so worth it.  They are scrumptious.  Melt in your mouth chocolate  My lunches have consisted of a variety of Smart Ones with fruit for snacks  Dinner is whatever meat and veggies.  Right now I am so tired of rice and beans (Hubby is Domincan so that is a staple in our household)

To end on a happier note, this weekend I plan to start my herb garden on my back porch  I was in the store the other day, and saw the cutest little bunnies and gnomes which were just made for container gardening.  I'm getting really excited about this, and I think it will really help to relieve the depressive symptoms I have been feeling lately.  Having something to do with my hands has always helped me, and some of my happiest years were spent in my previous house working in my magical garden.   

All right.  Now that I have probably dampened the spirits of the rest of you, I am feeling better that I have finally been able to share these feelings with someone.  Oh, I do have hubby, and he does listen and offer good advice, but sometimes you have to hear it from elsewhere.  And I know, only a few short weeks ago, my co-workers gave me the most wonderful day, but this isn't about my co-workers.  This is about management.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get these feelings out. 

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside,

somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God.

Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes

to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists,

and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort

for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be.

Anne Frank