If a person's basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience. On the other hand, if someone is suffering from depression, anxiety, or any form of emotional distress, then even if he or she happens to be enjoying physical comforts, he will not really be able to experience the happiness that these could bring.
Dalai Lama
To start with, with denial out of the way, I now have to deal with the impending loss of my 'best friend', Miss Minga. It is hard to miss the telltale signs, and I am not prepared to let her go. Senility is setting in. She will walk into the hallway heading towards our bedroom and start screaming like she is afraid. And, she is drinking so much water. I fear the end is very near. I went hysterical last night. I realize that death is a part of life, but I cannot imagine life without her. I know most of you have been through the loss of a beloved fur baby so you know hard it can be. I cry all the time, and my one saving grace is the senior center. There I am surrounded with people, and I can talk about her, and the pain I am going through. I can't talk to hubby. He was never raised with pets so he doesn't understand. He doesn't dislike her, but he doesn't love her either.
Speaking of hubby. His health is deteriorating. His breathing has become more labored, and he is finally open to oxygen. I think he is much worse than he letting me know. And this is making him very cranky. He snaps at me for no reason at all. Take yesterday morning, for example. It was a beautiful day. I was going to the center, and I wondered what he was going to do. "What are your plans for the day?" I asked very nicely. Instead of reply "I haven't any plans yet", he grunted and snapped, "Don't ask me. I don't know what I'm going to do."
It has been like that far too often. Last night I tried a new dish, and although I enjoyed it, he complained that the rice was a bit too soggy for him, and he doesn't know why I put so much water in. He is always finding little things that I haven't done to complain about. I do the best I can, and my house is always clean, but physical pain keeps me from doing all the things I once did.
This behavior is new to him, and I know it is because he is afraid. And it doesn't help any that my pain is now almost constant. Yesterday morning I stopped at Pathmark and could hardly walk the two blocks to go to the center. I stopped twice to lean against the wall, my back and leg hurt so bad. Sometimes I feel tears welling in my eyes because I have always been such an active person, and now I wonder how long I will be able to get around. Shopping isn't fun anymore; it hurts too bad, and I can barely make it to the park. For some reason, the pain eases up when I push a shopping cart, so when I go to the park I always take it with me whether I plan on shopping or not.
So, as you can see, there is a lot going on in my life, and at times it seems too much to handle. In all honesty, I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. Dreamland is so much more preferable. I'm working hard to pull myself out of this funk, this time of darkness, but I'm beginning to realize I cannot do it alone. I think it is time to seek help. Just an ear to listen.
Please say a prayer for me, that I can past all this without totally breaking down. I've always been so strong. I am not anymore.
Thank you for letting me share.
Mary this doesn't mean you are no longer a strong person, just that there is so much we all can take before melting down. I think its a good idea to get some help. Depression has physical symptoms as well. It's hard when you don't have a distraction (such as work) from less than positive things that are going on in your life. I'm so sorry about Miss Minga. Cats are great friends I still miss mine. Enjoy your time with her for now.
ReplyDeleteTry to get out in the sunshine and air everyday. Keep doing things you enjoy. I will most certainly pray for you.
The sicker my hubby became his personality, likes, etc. changed, but you know that from following my blog.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make it any easier. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Just when you need to pull together, .....sighhhhhhhh
You gave Miss Minga a life she never would have had and she gave you 22 years of unconditional love. Take comfort in that my friend. My thoughts are with you Mary. (((hugs)))
Sending you hugs today, Mary! You've spoken of finding a counselor to talk to and I really hope you do so soon, my friend. I know it will help!
ReplyDeleteMary,I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain right now. I'm super attached to my little fur cat babies and know that one day Ill have to say goodbye. Whats helped me so much in the past when I'm feeling really down is Bach flower remedes, not expensive but super powerful. You can read so much about them on fhe internet and even purchase them online if you can't find a nearby supplier, Sending you a big hug and a prayer.
ReplyDeletePlease make an appointment to see your doctor about the pain and depression. You do not have to live with that much pain or sadness. Between chemical help and some talk therapy, you can feel better, and so can hubby. Encourage him, if you can, to talk to his doctor too. You have Medicare and a drug,an, and there are drugs available to relieve your symptoms that are not expensive, and so worth it to feel better. I know that losing such a dearly loved pet is devastating too...no matter how much you try to prepare. Ask for help, Mary.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's mood changed so much, first when he developed cancer, and then it got even worse when it spread to his brain. And, I lost my beloved Dusty girl kitty at age 18 1/2 so I know what you are going through on at least two fronts. I, too, hope you find a counselor with whom you can talk. It does help. I am sending healing thoughts for your emotional and physical pain both.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's mood changed so much, first when he developed cancer, and then it got even worse when it spread to his brain. And, I lost my beloved Dusty girl kitty at age 18 1/2 so I know what you are going through on at least two fronts. I, too, hope you find a counselor with whom you can talk. It does help. I am sending healing thoughts for your emotional and physical pain both.
ReplyDeleteI know what it is like to be in constant pain. I get very cranky and it is hard to be around people. I hope that both of you can feel better soon. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteblessings
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Pain like you are experiencing can wear a person down both physically and mentally. Hopefully you can find affordable medical and/or counseling help and some type of physical pain management. It is a difficult and sad when pets that have been with us during so many changes in our lives start to slip away. I hope that things improve for you soon. Am sending healing thoughts to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
Susie @ Persimmon Moon Cottage