Can't Even Remember What Day it is....

Consider the trees which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either
inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart. If your heart can be
like this, you will be near to the way.


Zen Buddhist teaching

Oh my.  One day is running into the next.  Too many storms. Another one is headed our way.  Every time it clears up, and I am able to get out, another storm heads our way, and I am once again confined to my house.  Remind me of this in Autumn when I start yearning for the snow.  What a winter!!!!!

Met my new doctor yesterday.  I really liked him and everyone else there.  The ladies at the reception desk were so friendly, I felt like I had come home. The bad news was that my blood pressure was 160 over 90.  Kind of high. but hey, I haven't had any meds for a week. Won't let that happen again.  And the trip there in the morning was kind of stressful.  To begin with, the bus ran very late. I have a thing for promptness.  I cannot deal with being late anywhere. Then, I ended up getting off at the wrong stop, although I didn't know it at the time.  I had a long walk to the clinic, and much of it was over ice covered sidewalks. 

I am really pleased that I made a change.  I've been scheduled for an eye exam, bone density test, EKG, mammogram, GYN, and to see a nutritionist, as well as complete bloodwork, including thyroid level and mineral level to see what, if anything, is causing these muscle spasms.  I like that.  He is focusing on important things and things that are related to my blood pressure. And, blood tests will be done at once rather than having me run week after week. I swear, my old clinic must have been getting kickbacks from the lab.  They had me there every week.  I was becoming part of the furnishings.

Last night one of my old co-workers sent me a text.  He wanted to let me know that they had had a graduation ceremony for the clients yesterday, and three of my old clients graduated and spoke about me in their speeches.  I wrote back and informed him that although I was very proud of my client and wished him well, I was hurt and angry that no one had notified me that the graduation ceremony was going to be held.  Of course, I didn't hear from my co-worker again.

l was angry because (1) When my clients were feeling sad that I was leaving, I told them all to continue doing well and promised them I would be there to see them graduate.  It made it look like I really didn't care. (2) After another co-worker moved on, they called her and asked if she would like to attend to see her client graduate.  (3) It just goes to show that my hubby was right all the while when he chided me for bending over backwards to be the best worker in the place, the one they couldn't live without.  "When they drive you into the ground, they will just find someone to take your place", he used to say.  Well, that part isn't so true after all.  Since I retired in July, the only person hired to take my place quit in a month.  Since then,  my seat has been empty. 

It has been so long I have pretty much let go of all of them, especially the boss who I'd known and worked for for nearly ten years.  called maybe mid-November to say 'hello' and see how things were going.  Left a message on his voice mail.  No response.   I sent  him a text to Happy Thanksgiving...no response.  Merry Christmas...no response.  By New Year's, I had learned my lesson, but despite my feelings for him, I really
WOULD have liked to have been there to see my clients graduate.  That is quite an accomplishment for them. 

Hey, but I should have expected this.  "Out of sight, out of mind'. Another co-worker that left had the same thing happen to her.  So, what makes me think I should be any different.  I guess it is that part of me that really believed that I had meaning to them.  The expensive bracelet they gave me when I left was nice, but what would have been even nicer would have been a phone call once in awhile.  "Hey, how are you doing?  We miss you?"

All too often we see things that aren't really there.  The day I walked out of my office for the last time, I never believed it was really good bye.  Despite the fact that I was a generation older than my oldest co-worker, I still believed that we would always keep in contact with each other.  But, co-workers are just that...co-workers.  They are not friends.  They have separate lives out of the office that did not include me.  So what makes me think they should include me now?  Fanciful thinking on my part.

 

The fact is, they have moved on, and this little episode  just shows me that it is time for me to move on as well. And you know what?  It really doesn't bother me.  I have a new life now.  I have new friends, real friends.  Maybe not the best friend I have searched for my entire life, but I am satisfied with the people in my life now and am letting go of the past.

Friendships are different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, friendship is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it knows neither criticism nor resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on a contract. So is marriage. Parents are bound by the law. But friendships are freely entered into, freely given, freely exercised. 

Stephen Ambrose