Monday This and That

It is important from time to time to slow down,

to go away by yourself, and simply be.

Eileen Caddy

Ah, another weekend has passed on by, and I have nothing remarkable to report. Is that what growing older means?  Alas, though, I love these wonderful quiet weekends where I've nothing pending, and I can take my time about things and do as I wish.  Such a blessing they are!  In my youth, Friday and Saturday were always a time to party, a time to have fun.  Gosh, it was dreadful if plans fell through, and I had to stay home. Now my home is my haven, and sometimes I wonder if I would ever leave if I didn't have to work.  After all, shopping can now be done online and delivered. 

Actually, this weekend was spent nursing a nasty little cold.  Those annoying tickles became a full-fledged cold by the time I got home from my test on Friday. I'd planned to go to the fruit stand on Saturday but decided that, since I was dressed, I'd take a walk there on Friday.  It's always fun to see what new they have, and sometimes very disappointing as well.  There are quite a few new fruits that I tried, loved, and never found again.  They did have some donut peaches and dinosaur plums back so that made me quite happy.  I also found a plum like fruit that looked quite interesting and was ready to give it a try, but when I saw the price--$4.99 each--I quickly put it back.  What was inside of it anyway, gold?

I've been getting sick with colds quite often since my office moved to its new location.  We all have.  I realize that it is not so much our clients that are passing these illnesses on, but rather those who live in the shelter. Why they would build the outpatient clinic, where clients also come in from the streets, on the 10th floor and the two shelters on the lower floors, I'll never know.  In my opinion, we'd do so much better on the lower floors.  Needless to say, it is done now, and we're stuck riding a crowded elevator up 10 flights with the people who reside in the shelters.  Now, please, don't get me wrong.  I am not looking down on them in any way.  I am just stating facts. Many  have always lived on the streets and the little niceties in life, like covering one's mouth when they cough, have never been learned.  Riding that elevator is like stepping into a 'sea of germs'. 

Proper hygiene, as well, is something else that many of them have to be taught. There is nothing worse than riding the elevator in the early morn with someone who hasn't bathed or used deodorant in a week or more or has urinated in their pants and continue wearing them without washing them out.  Sometimes it is so bad I feel like throwing up.  It's a smell that sticks with you for awhile.  I often think if only I could walk up the stairs, but, alas, with my arthritic back I can barely make one flight let alone ten.

I was thinking that soon it will be time to change the look of my blog.  The seasons are changing quickly, and this is one summer, I will be glad to see go.  It's been far too hot and humid to do much of anything.  Whenever I do step out on the weekends, it's always such a relief to get back home.  I feel like I missed out on so much this year.  Perhaps it is because this is my first summer in my new home, and I had planned on doing so much.  But, perhaps it is that this is what was meant to be.  Perhaps slowing down and taking it is easy, taking care of self, is what I am supposed to do.

What is time? The shadow on the dial, the striking of the clock, the running of the sand, day and night, summer and winter, months, years, centuries--these are but arbitrary and outward signs, the measure of Time, not Time itself. Time is the Life of the Soul. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

TGIF

How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged

cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?

Paul Sweeney

I love the above quote because it is oh so true. How can we expect our young to learn if we are always taking the easy way out? I remember when I was a teenager and got my first camera, a little 'Brownie'.   Oh, what an endless wait is was for those pictures to be developed and how amazingly good it felt when I finally held them in my hands and looked at them. Today's youth miss out on that feeling. Perhaps that is why time seems to move so swiftly now?  Is it because everything is right there?

Well, it's Friday, and after today's test, I am home free. I've nothing much planned aside from a visit to the fruit stand.  Perhaps I will be able to catch up on some much-needed sleep.  Lately, I've been suffering from an attack of tickles in my throat which actually wakes me from a sound sleep.  Hopefully, they will abate, and I will finally be able to get some quality rest.

Wishing you all a weekend filled with joy and love.

Just Got Home

I'd be lying if I said today wasn't a nightmare. Oh, the test and the pill weren't so bad.  I made at least ten different people assure me that it was perfectly safe before signing those consent forms.  It was the time that got me.  I arrived there at 8 am as instructed and waited until almost 10 am for my papers to go upstairs.  Then, I had to stop at admitting to register.  Waited there until about 10:45 am to take care of that registration.  Then was sent to Nuclear Medicine where, I'll be honest, I at first tried every way possible to get out of the test and eventually was given....the pill.  Oh, did I mention when I looked up at the sign and it read "Caution, Radioactive Materials", I panicked and almost ran the other way.

Needless to say, hubby was also scheduled for the doctors today so I had taken a cab in the morning.  So, after taking the pill and told I could go home and come back at 4:30 pm for Part One of the test, I chose instead to wait downstairs in the lobby rather than waste all this money in cabs.  A word of advice to all: Don't believe everything you read on the internet.  I went there without eating because I "read" that you couldn't eat, so, by the time I found out differently, I was at the starving point.  Chalk up a cheeseburger, sweet potato fries, and a Pepsi as I threw caution to the wind.  

And then, it was onto the lobby and an afternoon of people watching and reading.  At 4:30, I went back upstairs and underwent a ten minute test.  Tomorrow I go back for the longer test, but it will not be as nightmarish as today.  No registration, just straight upstairs, and I don't have to be there until 10 am.  And after the test, it's home to what will be almost a three day weekend. Yippee!!!!

Off to My Thyroid Scan

I am the child of the universe.

She puts her almighty protection around me.

I am free from accidents, death, sickness.

I am now shining with golden light from top to toe.

I am her chosen protected child, and she is my shield.

The winds shall aid my progress.

Water shall cleanse me from fear,

Fire will purify my doubts.

And the earth shall nourish me to health.

All is well, all is well, all is well.

Zsuzsanna E. Budapest

I found the above very comforting this morning and wanted to share it with all of you. Well, I am off now for my test.  I know the Universe will be watching over me.  Thanks so much for your prayers and well wishes.  Will check in later to let  you know how it goes.

Dawn

His radiant fingers so adorning

Earth that in silent joy she thrills,

The ancient day stands every morning

Above the flowing eastern hills.

This day the new-born world hath taken

Within his mantling arms of white,

And sent her forth by fear unshaken

To walk among the stars in light.

Risen with laughter unto leaping,

His feet untired, undimmed his eyes,

The old, old day comes up from sleeping,

Fresh as a flower, for new emprise.

The curtain of the night is parted

That once again the dawn may tread,

In spotless garments, ways uncharted

And death a million times is dead.

Slow speechless music robed in splendor

The deep sky sings eternally,

With childlike wonderment to render

Its own unwearied symphony.

Reborn between the great suns spinning

Forever where men's prayers ascend,

God's day in love hath its beginning,

And the beginning hath no end.

George B. Logan, Jr.

Isn't that a beautiful poem?  Sends chills throughout my body.  There is nothing like reading some beautiful words to add some serenity to one's life.  Tomorrow is my thyroid scan and to say I wasn't feeling anxious would be a lie. I know darned well the test is safe, but taking a pill of radioactive iodine, waiting four hours, then lying on a table, completely still, with my head tilted back for 30 minutes is not my cup of tea.  Racing thoughts tell me, "What if you have to cough?" or What if something goes wrong with the pill?  What is they are just telling you that the dosage is so small you don't have to worry about your pets or loved ones? What if after it is over they tell you cannot be near others?  Where will you sleep? What if the dangers of radiation can be passed on?" And on and on and on. I really do have to stop reading so much.  I feel my hypochondria coming on...and it has been so many years. 

Okay, I admit it, I'm a big baby when it comes to doctors and dentists.  In fact, I am far worse at the dentists office.  The tears begin to flow the moment I walk through the door, and the nurse has to hold my hand throughout the whole procedure.  I guess my fear of the dentist stems from the fact that mom never really took me to the dentist when I was a child.  The first time I remember going I was in my mid-teens, the dentist wanted to fix my overbite by pulling all my teeth and breaking my jaw and resetting it.  What he was going to do with my teeth, I don't recall.  After all, 50 years ago dentists were not as, shall I say, as up to date on things?  There was no such thing as implants so he certainly wasn't going to put them back in my mouth.

On the day before the surgery was first scheduled, I came down with a cold, and it was cancelled for two weeks.  Lo and behold, on the day before the surgery was next scheduled, I had a relapse of my cold.  This time, they not only cancelled the surgery, but told me to call them when I was ready and slammed the phone down in my ear. My mom was upset because she had wanted it done.  I think she was far too trusting of this Quack.  Guess someone was really looking out for me on that day.

My fear of doctors?  I have no clue as to where that fear came from.   All I can think of is that it's not really a fear of doctors, per se, but a fear of what they might tell me. In my early twenties I went through a terrible bout with hypochondria.  A minor cold became a major terminal disease.  It was dreadful.  Back then I ran from doctor to doctor, never quite believing they were telling me the truth. Today I have a fear of what they might say. Irrational fears, to be sure, but fears that actually do put the quality of my life in jeopardy.  Fortunately, I've chosen to deal with them before it is too late.  I've also a fear of heights, of deep waters, of spiders, bees, and rodents, but these fears do not hold me back from living my life. What fears are holding you back?

It is not that you must be free from
fear. The moment you try to free
yourself from fear, you create a resistance
against fear. Resistance, in any form,
does not end fear. What is needed, rather
than running away or controlling or
suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it,
learn about it, come directly into contact
with it. We are to learn about fear,
not how to escape from it, not how to
resist it through courage and so on.

J. Krishnamurti

I probably won't be around until later tomorrow.  Will let you all know how it goes.

Tuesday Chatter

One must never lose time in vainly regretting the past or in complaining against the changes which cause us discomfort, for change is the essence of life.

Anatole France

Fortunately, the heat and humidity has broken some, a welcome change indeed, but not all changes are so welcome.  Dealing with this new diet has been a 'not so welcome' change for me, and thinking back on it, I realize that food, and my love of it, has always been an intricate part of my life.  Some of my earliest memories include my mom's speghetti and meatballs and weekend evenings at grandma's when she made sure I had my favorite Campbell's Bean with Bacon soup and a glass of coca cola.  When I found the soup in the supermarket not too long ago, I was ecstatic.  I had found a slice of my childhood...

...and I was even happier when I brought it home and discovered that it had not changed a bit.  I was so tickled with this that the next time I went to the store I stocked up on them, making sure I had plenty of this comfort food on hand.  Today six cans sit in my cupboard.  The sodium level is off the map. There is no such thing as never, and  perhaps one day I will be able to once again enjoy an occasional can, but for right now, that seems a long way off.

I've been so used to eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted that it never occurred to me that throughout my life I had used food to to comfort myself rather than dealing with the things that made me uncomfortable. Using food for comfort can be a powerful addiction, and I realize today that my addiction started a long, long time ago when a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk every night was a means of coping with the loneliness I felt.  And, as I grew older, I began to eat whenever I felt anxious or depressed.  

When hubby fell very ill years ago, and it was 'touch and go', I found the comfort I needed in the most enormous chocolate sundaes that I could make --huge scoops of chocolate ice cream, walnuts, chocolate syrup and half a can of whipped cream--and I sat down every night and ate one.  And, whenever I got stressed at work,  a bag of 'sour cream and onion' chips seemed to take it all away.  I didn't need Calgon to take me away.  As long as I had plenty to eat, I knew I would be okay. And, it never seemed to affect me.  I maintained my weight and showed no signs of ill effect. 

In fact, it  never really affected me until about three years ago when the weight started piling on....and that I attributed to the fact that I stopped smoking, and my blood pressure had always been normal.  Heck, at the most I worried some about cholesterol, and that, amazingly, was about the only thing that did come back normal on my blood work. Because, as with any addiction, it always catches up to you.

So, here I am, at the age of 65, battling an addiction and re-learning how to live, and it has been a journey, to be sure. Healing doesn't come easy when one is so set in their ways.  At first, I'm not going to lie, I didn't think I could do it. When one has used food to comfort and protect you for so many years, it may seem as if there is nothing else that 'does it as good'. What I could eat tasted nasty and what I couldn't eat seemed to be calling out to me. But the fact is, 'I want to live', and this is what I kept repeating to myself over and over again...'I want to live'.  Simple as that. And with that in mind, I began the slow, but steady process of healing from an addiction. 

I read and researched recipes and joined groups and learned much about my eating habits. I learned that it is not that I can't eat, it's that I have to watch what I do eat. Now instead of just tossing foods into my cart on shopping day, you'll find me holding up the cans and checking on the sodium level.  Too high?  It goes right back on the shelf.  It's been a challenge, to be sure, but I've experimented and found various spices that make a saltless meal taste good and have even learned to welcome fruit into my diet. Already my mind is racing towards what I am going to do when the summer fruits are no longer available because I have never really liked apples, oranges, and pears, but I'll just have to deal with that when the time comes.  

Healing is the journey. The destination is yourself. The full recognition of all

the different aspects of yourself—your joy, your sorrow, your pain,

your pleasure—all lead you to the source of who you are. Only by

having intimate contact with this source can you experience the fullness

of your life. Only by fearlessly looking within can you embrace the landscape

of your life and open yourself completely to all the love

and compassion that lives inside you.

Philip Berk

Monday This and That

“The world rests in the night. Trees, mountains, fields, and faces are released from the prison of shape and the burden of exposure. Each thing creeps back into its own nature within the shelter of the dark. Darkness is the ancient womb. Nighttime is womb- time. Our souls come out to play. The darkness absolves everything; the struggle for identity and impression falls away. We rest in the night.” 

― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom --

Whew!!! What a busy weekend I had. Saturday morn I rose early and went food shopping, then came back and cooked it all. I'm finding that with two separate meals to cook, it's taking me about five hours. I really didn't want to put the oven on because it was already hot enough, but if I didn't want to be cooking into the night, that was the only way to go. My pork chops on Saturday turned out so outrageously good. I had to check twice to make sure I hadn't taken hubby's by mistake. And they were so easy to make with not many ingredients.

I used some green, red, yellow, and orange peppers, onion, lots and lots of fresh garlic, Mrs. Dash's Extra Spicy, and some Italian seasonings.  After browning some sugar (makes a nice brown gravy) I sauteed the pork chops with the veggies, then added a wee bit of salt free tomato sauce, a little water, and the spices, then let them simmer until the pork chops were done and the seasonings melded together. Went well with a roasted sweet potato and a nice tossed salad.  
Speaking of the heat, enough is enough. When is this going to end?  I'm tired of arriving at work feeling as if I just jumped out of the shower.  And hubby has been having a heard time with it.  He has emphysema and has trouble breathing when the air is so hot and heavy.  I've told him to stay in, but it's hard for him to stay put.  He is so used to being on the go, but at this time, a new job is out.  He will be undergoing a new treatment for his liver, and it is going to make him pretty sick.  I am praying this treatment works.

For those who may not know, hubby was in a car accident many years ago and had to receive a blood transfusion.  Who knew that what saved his life then may have signed his death warrant now!  We found out about four years ago that the blood he received contained Hepatitis C, and it had already reached Stage 3.  After injecting a weekly series of painful shots in his stomach every Friday, which left him sickly and weak so that he had to lie in bed all day sick on Saturday, we found that the medicine didn't work.  The doctor feels it is because hubby continued to work and was under a lot of stress.

Since that time, hubby has been on a medication that doesn't fight the disease, but slows it down. He also takes Thisilyn, a liver support formula composed of milk thistle, something I have had him on for years, and we have pretty much credited this for helping to keep him stable.  Hubby has also been diagnosed with emphysema, glaucoma, and now it appears that his kidneys are acting up.  The doctor didn't like the results of his latest bloodwork, so he has ordered more.  And through it all, hubby remains such a 'trooper'. He accepted the human life cycle many years ago and has no regrets. It is I who live in denial.

Hold on to what is good,

Even if it's a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe,

Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do,

Even if it's a long way from here.

Hold on to your life,

Even if it's easier to let go.

Hold on to my hand,

Even if someday I'll be gone away from you. 

A Pueblo Indian Prayer

Such a beautiful poem, isn't it?  It always makes me cry.

Are  you ready for a little rant?  Just a small one, I promise.  It has to do with the governmental systems that we deal with. Now, to lay down the basis for my rant.  As you know, I work with mentally ill substance abusers.  Don't get me wrong about what I am going to say.  This does not concern 'all' clients for many are genuinely in need of help, but those some who have been through the system many times.  Many of them have never worked, nor do they ever care to work.  "Let the government take care of me" is their motto.  The issue here is, those I am speaking of HAVE NO mental illness. They've received social security solely because they know exactly what to say and how to play the system. I've a client now who's only job in life was that of a 'drug dealer' yet he gets a little over a thousand per month from the government.  

Now, here is my rant.  Hubby, who has worked all of his life, was recently turned down.  Now he is collecting unemployment, but that will run out in December, so he applied for social security disability.  He was told he is 'not sick enough' that there are jobs he can do. Here is a man with Stage 3 Hep C, emphysema, glaucoma, and now kidney problems who is not sick enough, but a 22 year old drug dealer with not a darned thing wrong with him, is.  Where is the fairness in this?  Of course, hubby has obtained a lawyer and is going for a fair hearing, but why should he have to deal with this?  Hasn't he paid his dues? 

Thanks for letting me share.