Tuesday Chatter

Things don’t change. You change your way of looking, that’s all.

Carlos Castaneda

My life has undergone so many changes lately. Changes in diet, in exercise...changes in the way I experience life, changes in the way I look at life, changes in the way I appreciate life. When the emergency room doctor told me that  they found a nodule on my lung and that I should follow up on it as soon as possible, well, one suddenly discovers that they are not immortal after all.  Compound that with a dangerously high blood pressure reading, and one realizes we have taken our health for granted for far too long.  Changes must be made, or we will die, simple as that.

But, changes in diet and lifestyle are not the only changes I have to make. The fact is, one change I have to make is learning how to keep my 'trap' shut.  I think it's my job to save the world and what happens is that I tend to push my opinions on others whether they want them or not.  If I've done that to any of you, please do accept my apologies.  I mean well, and it is only because I care.  

Yesterday I believe I lost a blog friend because I overstepped my boundaries and told him something they didn't need to hear.  I logged on and noticed that I'd lost a follower in each of two blogs, the two blogs this person had been following.  When I went to check out their blog, and found it was gone.  Later, through the grapevine, I learned that this person started another blog, and certain people were invited; others weren't.  That tells me that I did it again, and I've only myself to blame for losing a friend.  I overstepped my boundaries.  

A long time ago, I learned that we were all placed on this earth for a reason, with lessons to be learned. We have our assignments, and everybody has their own responsibility for completing theirs. Yet, here I am trying to interfere by telling others what they have to do. We all make mistakes.  Isn't that the way we learn?  And, as I sit here this morning writing this is that I realize one of my mistakes is trying to tell others how to live their lives.  

If I've done this to you, please accept my apology and know that it wasn't done to hurt you.  It was done out of love.  Perhaps it is that I haven't had that many friends in my life. It's been hard for me to reach out. So, perhaps I am still learning how to be a friend. Whatever the reason, I'm asking you now that if you EVER feel that I am overstepping my bounds, please feel free to let me know.  I'd rather that than lose another friend. And if, by chance, the friend I lost should read this, please forgive me.  I'd like another chance.

Well, it's time to get showered, dressed, and get ready to get out of here for my test. I'm scared, but I know this has to be done. Thanks for listening to me today, and thanks for being here for me. Sometimes I just feel like such a big baby.  Had a dream last night that I will tell you about tomorrow.  It was about my mom, and was something so very, very special.

In our instinctive attachments, our fear of change, and our wish for certainty

and permanence, we may undercut the impermanence which is

our greatest strength, our most fundamental identity. Without impermanence,

there is no process. The nature of life is change. All hope is based on process.

Rachel Naomi Remen

Monday This and That

A person who hides the truth
that he or she is sick
cannot expect to be cured.

Ethiopian Proverb

That proverb sure did jump out at me.  That was  definitely me not too long ago.  My motto was, 'Ignore it and it will go away.'  Well, guess what?  It doesn't go away. Like anger, it festers within until it eventually erupts. Tomorrow is my Pet Scan, and I am scared out of my wits.  That negative thinking part of me keeps saying the doctor was only trying to make me feel better, but the logical part tells me that doctors don't do things like that. Then I think about how he said the word 'usually' and then I start to worry that I may not fit into that 'usually' group. And, then, because a Pet Scan is a whole body picture, I wonder what else they might find. My hypochondria is kicking up big time. I really have to stay off these medical websites.  It is good to educate oneself, but it becomes a detriment when one allows their imagination to run wild.

But, that is enough about me. At this point, I am growing quite concerned about hubby. He has been keeping it quiet, but I noticed yesterday that his breathing is becoming more labored. I know this weather has a negative affect on those of us with breathing problems, and I hope when the weather cools down some, he improves. On Saturday, he went out to get his car to park it closer to home, and before coming home, stopped  at the fruit stand to get us a Canary Melon. When he came home, he  dropped to the sofa, visibly struggling to catch to catch his breath. I started for the phone to call 911, but by the time I picked up the phone he was breathing naturally.  It put quite a fright into me. He was diagnosed with emphysema a few years back and until now, aside from one episode in which he was hospitalized, he has been doing well. He sees his doctor next week so I ordered him to inform his doctor about what's going on...and promised I would be sure to check up and make sure he did.  We have to take care of each other.

I'm hoping it is his excessive salt intake that is doing it.  Hubby loves salt.  I never thought of myself as much as a salt user, but since being diagnosed with HTN, I've begun doing some research.  That fact is, I'd never paid attention to the sodium in food.  For example, we both love Premio's hot sausage.  Both of us can sit and eat three of them.  Do you realize that just one has 920 milligrams of salt?  Well, I'd been noticing that my breathing just keeps getting better (knock on wood). Instead of stopping halfway up the steps to catch my breath, I'm able to climb right up to the top. Then, aside from the pain in my lower back which seems to be flaring up. I've also been able to pick up my step with walking. It hit me that this started when I cut my sodium intake.  Hopefully, this is a sign of things to come...and hopefully, I can get hubby to listen.  

Healing is the journey. The destination is yourself. The full recognition of all

the different aspects of yourself—your joy, your sorrow, your pain,

your pleasure—all lead you to the source of who you are. Only by

having intimate contact with this source can you experience the fullness

of your life. Only by fearlessly looking within can you embrace the landscape of your life and open yourself completely to all the love

and compassion that lives inside you.

Philip Berk

On another note, Saturday, the first day of my low-sodium cooking spree, was brutally hot so I got out of the house bright and early before the worst of it. And, with many Con Ed workers on strike, I crossed my fingers and said a prayer.  Just imagine being in the midst of all that cooking and having the AC go off. Sadly though, cooking, for as much as I had looked forward to it, was dreadful.  It was so, so hot that new recipes I had found were brushed to the wayside.  Just to hot to take the time, but I did put together some of my own low sodium or sodium free meals, and so far, what I have eaten have turned out pretty darned good.

On Saturday I had two cubed steaks which had been browned and then simmered with green and red peppers, onions, lots of garlic, Worchestershire sauce, bay leaf, rosemary, and some red wine vinegar. This was served with baked sweet potato and a tossed salad with Balsamic vinegar.  Sunday was apricot baked chicken breasts.  This one I followed pretty close to recipe...apricot preserves, brown sugar and vinegar.  This was served with new potatoes and tossed salad. I didn't even miss the salt.  Today is going to be a rough one.  I cannot have any carbohydrates, no fruit, milk, grains, etc. because of my test tomorrow.  No way around this one.  Just have to go with the flow, keep a stiff upper lip, and remind myself of my blessings. The fear cannot be allowed to win.

Fear is like a little garden spider that makes us jump back or the poor lost bee on the

steering wheel that we blame for our automobile wreck. The problem in fear

is our response -- the way we treat animals or insects that frighten us. . . . Fear is also

the universal scapegoat we blame when we take flight from intimacy or shrink up

inside ourselves in a thousand little ways.

Dan Millman

Friday Quote

"Walk tall as the trees; live strong as the mountains; 

be gentle as the spring winds; 

keep the warmth of summer in your heart, 

and the Great Spirit will always be with you." 

--Native American Saying--

Wishing you all a special weekend.  One filled with love, peace, and happiness. Keep safe and stay cool and hydrated.  See you on Monday.

Thursday This and That

"May the stars carry your sadness away,

May the flowers fill your heart with beauty,

May hope forever wipe away your tears,

And, above all, may silence make you strong."

--Chief Dan George--

Back to work day.  Glad they finally fixed the AC.  The AC had been out since last Thursday and by afternoon with the sun beating in the windows, the 10th floor was like a 'Sweat Lodge'.  It was an inhuman way to work.  By the time I left to go home, my clothes were sticking to me and my hair looked like I had stuck it in the sink and quickly dried it off. 

The Full Moon. She is the ruler of life cycles. She brings powerful, healing energies. On Tuesday night I embraced the moon and rode out the emotional storm that had been unleashed within me.  I no longer have the luxury of stepping into a back yard and standing open, beneath her, but that doesn't mean I cannot feel her energy. Turning out all of the lights and lighting a scented blue candle (Moonlit Walk and Wandering Stream)  brought me a great deal of comfort.  The blue candle represents the ocean and sky, my two favorite places. It energies are cooling, and it promotes healing energies, patience, peace, protection, understanding,and wisdom. I just sat there quietly, sorting through thoughts, and surrounding myself with healing energies. I just cannot allow this fear to gain control. I don't know what time it was that I went to bed, but I didn't get up until 9 am, late for me, and only because my cat decided that it was time to eat.

The 4th itself was an enjoyable day for me.  I didn't go out, much too hot and humid. Instead,  I spent much of the day researching low sodium diets, bought the DASH diet book for my Kindle, chose recipes, and made out my weekend shopping list.  I'm looking forward this weekend.  Shopping for and trying out my new recipes looks to be fun. I'll be sure to clue you in on my favorites. 

On that note, I had a strange dream last night. It seems that I was having a party, for what, I don't know.  Sent my son to get the food, and he came back with an enormous pan of ziti with meatballs, hot and spicy chicken wings, and macaroni with cheese...all of my favorite foods. He also had with him two large shopping bags filled with meat...and the meat wasn't packaged.  It was just tossed into the bags and I was supposed to cook it all. Just goes to show how much I allowed food to run my life.  I've been thinking about 'never' having these foods again, but 'never' is too long a time. But, by working diligently on lowering my blood pressure, I hope one day to be able to indulge, in great moderation, of course, in those comfort foods I left behind...and who knows, by then, I'll probably be so trained in another way of eating I won't even want them anymore.

But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can

never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.

Junot Díaz

I Hear America Singing

I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear,

Those of mechanics, each one singing his as it should be blithe

and strong,

The carpenter singing his as he measures his plank or beam,

The mason singing his as he makes ready for work, or leaves off

work,

The boatman singing what belongs to him in his boat, the deck-

hand singing on the steamboat deck,

The shoemaker singing as he sits on his bench, the hatter singing

as he stands,

The woodcutter's song, the ploughboy's on his way in the morn-

ing, or at noon intermission or at sundown,

The delicious singing of the mother, or of the young wife at work,

or of the girl sewing or washing,

Each singing what belongs to him or her and to none else,

The day what belongs to the day—at night the party of young

fellows, robust, friendly,

Singing with open mouths their strong melodious songs.

--Walt Whitman--

Meanwhile, today I celebrate my own special Independence Day.  It was three years ago that I lay the cigarettes down and never picked them up again. Please, for those still smoking, think about what it is doing to your body. They say it is a slow suicide. As one gent aptly put it to me the day before I stopped, "The next puff you take could be the one to start that cell growing."  Never forgot that. The following are my stats as per my quit meter:

Three years, 6 hours, 11 minutes and 26 seconds. 16443 cigarettes not smoked, saving $8,057.49. Life saved: 8 weeks, 1 day, 2 hours, 15 minutes.

To those still smoking, quit now before it catches up to you...and it will.  I never thought it would happen to me. For those who don't think about health, take a look at the cash saved, and it really should be more.  When I quit here they were $9.50.  Today they are $12 and over.  

Nonetheless, I'm not here to put a damper on anyone's day.  The 4th is a day of celebration, a day to rejoice, be proud and salute all those brave warriors who fought for the freedom of our country. It is a day to feel proud of.

Let there be peace, love and happiness for you on this July 4th.

Fourth of July, how sweet it sounds,

As every year it rolls around.

It brings active joy to boy and man,

This glorious day throughout our land.

We hail this day with joy and pride,

And speak of our forefathers who died;

Who fought for liberty in days of yore,

And drove the British from our shore.

We, as descendants of that race,

Should not now our land disgrace.

Arise, freeman, arise once more,

Be earnest as in the days of yore.

Julia A Moore

Full Moon Ramblings

Look how the pale Queen of the silent night

doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,

and he, as long as she is in sight,

with his full tide is ready here to honor;

But when the silver waggon of the Moon

is mounted up so high he cannot follow,

the sea calls home his crystal waves to morn,

and with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.

So you that are sovereign of my heart

have all my joys attending on your will,

when you return, their tide my heart doth fill.

So as you come and as you depart,

joys ebb and flow within my tender heart

by Charles Best 

It is in the stillness of the night, July 2nd, that I begin this. So many thoughts racing through my head. I can't seem to catch up to them. The doctor's visit went well. I liked her. I left with a handful of prescriptions that are supposed to make me feel better.  I feel good that I am finally taking a pro-active interest in my health, I really do, but I can't help but to sit here tonight wondering, where has it all gone--the summer of my youth--and why has it passed so quickly?  When we are young, we feel invincible. Whatever aches and pains we have are brought on by self...lifting something too heavy, strenuous exercise.  We suffer for awhile, and it goes away.  But, when we reach a certain age, the pain is there; it's just there. We get up in the morning, and it takes us some time to get ourselves going.  Rest no longer improves our situation; instead, we wake up achy and stiff, but we learn how to deal with it.

Sorry for sounding so melancholy. I'm really trying to remain upbeat.  I know that, no matter what may come, I am strong enough to beat it, yet, tonight I find myself not in very good space. The news today was good, but my hypochondria seems to be kicking in.   Perhaps it is because I have lived in denial for so long and have suddenly been forced to face my own mortality.  

Or perhaps maybe it is the effects of this powerful Full Moon in Capricorn that has stirred up my emotions.  While Full Moon is an emotional time,  this one looks to be a particularly intense Full Moon for all of us because it indicates a time to face our fears, to take action and come to terms with things. The Moon (our emotions) will also widely conjunct Pluto (destruction and creation). This signifies a time of making some significant changes, and in my case, what could be more important than making changes to improve my health? Indeed, my cat scan results were a reality check for me.

July 3, early morn
I met my new doctor yesterday, and I really liked her.  My blood pressure is still high, but slowly coming down.  She put me a second blood pressure medication, Hydrochlorothiazide.  I  understand I'll be heading for the bathroom a bit more often. I'm going to be scheduled for a mammogram and complete bloodwork. My thyroid is enlarged but the lymph nodes are fine.  She also called in a lung specialist who put me a bit at ease.   In his opinion, the lesion is far too perfectly formed to be malignant.  I broke down in tears when he told me. Will know for sure once I have a Pet Scan next week.  It was good news, yes, but I am still not out of the woods.  I breathe a sigh of relief once the test is over.

I've made so many mistakes in my life, especially regarding my health.  It's always been, "It will never happen to me" so I became invincible...or so I thought I was. What made me think I was something special?  But, thank goodness, we do get second chances. This time I am not going to blow it.  Thanks for listening to an old rambler. I have been blessed,my friends, I really have. Today, there are  so many wonderful people in my life. I love you all.

“If you have made mistakes…there is always another chance for you…you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘Failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.”

– Mary Pickford -

Monday Morning This and That

Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow.... When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But if I let go and float, I am borne aloft.

- Marie Stilkind -

Monday and back to work. I did well for myself last week on my diet, but handling stress was another matter. During my time off they made some computer changes with our paperwork, and I'm never one to take those kind of changes well, computer nerd that I am. But, heck, I'm not alone. We're all in an uproar. Why can't they leave well enough alone? Dreadful, and so many unnecessary steps are needed now...even just to print. Then there was dealing with clients, intakes, discharges, etc. I tried to remain stress free, I really tried, but I guess it's going to take some practice on my part.

Then, on Wednesday something happened that really turned my stomach, and made me question my choice of career, if only for a moment. One of the clients stole my cane. That's about as low as one can get. Let's face it, we don't carry canes for no reason, so if someone is using one, it obviously means they are handicapped in some way, right?  That just gives you some idea as to the clientele I have to work with.  I know who it is, but didn't see it so I couldn't prove it. You tell me if you think I am right.

First the suspect walks in and asks me what movie we are seeing.  I occasionally purchase movies such as "Days of Wine and Roses" for my groups.  When I advised him that we were not going to watch a movie, that we were going to talk, he said, "I don't know why we can't see a movie.  I only come here for movies."  I told him that sharing was an important part of recovery, but if he really wanted to see a movie, he might try the other group.  He walked off. 

Two minutes later he came and took my cane off the hook , began trying it out.  I called out to him, "Hey, that is mine, please put it back".  

He stated, "I was just trying it. It's just the right size.  Where did you get it?  (Now, mind you, this is a client who doesn't stop to chat with anyone.) "You don't seem to walk with any problems."

"I've had it for years, and yes, I do have problems.  I use it because although I may appear to walk well in here, I have an arthritis riddled lower back and have lots of problems walking on concrete." I replied.

Fast forward to the group.  He did end up attending my group, and the word 'obnoxious' doesn't even begin to describe his behavior. He interrupted others, used bad language, had to be put in his place several times.It was actually a relief to me when he got up to use the bathroom ten minutes before group was over.  I knew he wasn't coming back, and I really didn't care.  Had I only known.

Okay, so this is my office space.  As I said when I showed this before, we sit in cubicles in full view of clients.  There are  no boundaries or privacy.  I wouldn't mind the cubicle if the walls were somewhat higher, or if clients weren't traipsing back and forth all the time, but that cannot be avoided.  Group rooms are directly across from where I sit. The handle of my wooden cane fit over the barrier and hung next to my desk (directly in front far right).  I never thought of carrying it with me inside because, first of all, I don't need it inside, and secondly, just about every client in the place knew it was there, and no one has dared touch  it in all the months I  have used it.  I find it very ironic that the one day that client picked it up and remarked about how it was the right size, it disappears. 

On Friday, he came into group and asked why everyone was mad at him in the program. Now, no one had said anything or treated him any differently.  I felt like tossing him out the window, but with no proof, I had to act like nothing had happened.  Grrr!!!   No one was there to see it, but his question sure did speak to me of a guilty conscience.  

No one has ever stolen from me before, and it really did hurt, but something happened afterwards that really made me feel good.  My bosses, as well as my co-workers were really upset over this.  First, they got together to buy me a new cane.  How special is that?  Tears flowed when they gifted it to me on Friday afternoon.  Secondly, my bosses have decided that this client has to go.  Next week he is being referred elsewhere.  For so long I have felt unappreciated, but this made me see how wrong I had been.  They all rallied behind me. What more can anyone ask for?  

Meanwhile, I am doing great with my diet this time around. I found a great free online sight for diet and exercise. Each day you mark down everything you eat for the day--breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. Also, how much water you drink and the exercise you have done. With my back, knees and whatever else is ailing me, it's hard to start an exercise program, but I have been counting my walk to and from work. It helps that everyone else on the site can see my daily quotas. At the end of the day it adds it all up and tells you whether you are over or under your daily allowance. There are also groups, member friendships, recipes and other benefits on the site.  Of course you can lie, but who are you hurting if you lie. It is called  My Fitness Pal

I've my first appointment with my new doctor today, and I am feeling very anxious.  Not that anything major is being done today--medical history, checkup, blood work-- but my negative thinking is saying, "What else are they going to find?"  There is absolutely no need for this, I know.  Since I have stopped smoking I've had no more respiratory problems; colds, aside from the last one which was bad for all of us who had it, last only two to three days.  That's a record for me who used to cough for weeks from a cold.   That's why I can't understand those cat scan results. Why now?  All I can do now is hope...and pray.

Hope is like a road in the country; there never was a road,

but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.

Lin Yutang