Christmas Fancies

When Christmas bells are swinging above the fields of snow, 

We hear sweet voices ringing from lands of long ago.

And etched on vacant places, 

Are half forgotten faces

Of friends we used to cherish, and loves we used to know –

When Christmas bells are swinging above the fields of snow.

Uprising from the ocean of the present surging near, 

We see, with strange emotion that is not free from fear, 

That continent Elysian

Long vanished from our vision, 

Youth’s lovely lost Atlantis, so mourned for and so dear, 

Uprising from the ocean of the present surging near.

When gloomy gray Decembers are roused to Christmas mirth, 

The dullest life remembers there once was joy on earth, 

And draws from youth’s recesses

Some memory it possesses, 

And, gazing through the lens of time, exaggerates its worth, 

When gloomy gray December is roused to Christmas mirth.

When hanging up the holly or mistletoe, I wis

Each heart recalls some folly that lit the world with bliss.

Not all the seers and sages

With wisdom of the ages

Can give the mind such pleasure as memories of that kiss

When hanging up the holly or mistletoe, I wis.

For life was made for loving, and love alone repays, 

As passing years are proving for all of Time’s sad ways.

There lies a sting in pleasure, 

And fame gives shallow measure, 

And wealth is but a phantom that mocks the restless days, 

For life was made for loving, and only loving pays.

When Christmas bells are pelting the air with silver chimes, 

And silences are melting to soft, melodious rhymes, 

Let Love, the worlds beginning, 

End fear and hate and sinning; 

Let Love, the God Eternal, be worshipped in all climes

When Christmas bells are pelting the air with silver chimes.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Was at the new place yesterday.  You ladies are so right.  I went to so many stores yesterday, and regular curtains are not made for my windows, so once I am settled and the holidays done, I'll have to try my hand at sewing.  Been a good many years for me.  The bedroom and living room drapes fit perfect and are lovely.  It's the bathroom and kitchen window that I am having problems with.  Normal bathroom windows are actually quite small so the normal 54 inch bathroom curtains are fine, but mine needs 63 inches, so it was time to get creative.  For now, we'll hang two tiers of curtains.  And, the kitchen, alas, is about one inch short.  For now, there is so much else to be done, that this will have to do.

My youngest came last night and took away a carload of books and old dishes.  It's his garbage day tomorrow, so he'll put them out front.  Spoke with my landlady, as well.  It seems that her dad is in from Florida and went into the basement today.  Turns out the guy upstairs has his washing machine and dryer hooked on my line.  I knew my bill was too high.  I am furious, but there's not much to be done about it now with only four days to go.  I just want peace for now.  All I can say is, "What goes around, comes around." 

I've been finding some serenity watching Phoebe, the hummingbird.  She's already too young ones in the nest.  The miracle of nature makes one realize how blessed we are, and how much we can learn from the  miracles of everyday life, the miraculous events we casually refer to as nature.  In case anyone is interested, you can watch the young ones grow 'live' on the following site.  The young ones are Bob, named after the hosts father because it hatched on his 94th birthday and Rose, perhaps because the nest is in a rose bush.  From an egg the size of a tic tac, watching them grow  is truly a miracle to behold...http://phoebeallens.com/

Remind Me to Think Before I Speak

Thanks everyone for all your much-needed support yesterday.  I was feeling  angry, yes, but  after my rant yesterday, I think you all deserve a bit of an explanation.  Firstly, let  me say that lack of sleep can do that to you.  Having spent the last few nights lying awake with all sorts of thoughts rattling through my head, I was totally at the boiling point.   The city is an awful place to live.  Unlike the countryside where you can put things by the curb or take them to the dump, one is forced to be totally dependent on sanitation which makes tossing your garbage a stress inducing chore.  Anyone remember the fiasco I had trying to toss an old mattress?  Well, it's tenfold now with all the things I have to get rid of. 


They make things so difficult. I'm sure glad I'm no longer a smoker because I would have gone through a carton by now. Take Tuesday's pickup for example.  I put out my old ironing board and my typewriter, hoping that someone would take one of the two, but it rained, so it was up to sanitation to take them.  Did they?  Nope!!!  They left them lying there on the sidewalk.  Friday is their pick up day for that stuff.  It's the same truck that they use at our Friday pickup, so go figure.  That's where I messed up with my counting of days.  I had it figured that each pickup day I would put a few more things out, and by the time we moved, all the unneeded items would be gone.  


There is no dump in the area, and the cheapest place I found to haul household items will run $380 that I just don't have.   That knocked me for a loop, and that is when everything started spiraling downhill for me. I mean, I just paid four months of rent...one month here, one month rent, one month security to the new place, and one month rent to real estate.  (What a racket!)   I really didn't mean to give  everyone  the impression that my son is a spoiled brat, and sorry it came out that way.  Yes, he did screw up with the garbage, and yes, he is behind in his packing, and it did make me angry when I had to go out there and clean up the mess, but I realized after I saw your responses that I made him out to be a monster. But, to be fair,  up until this point, he has been extremely helpful, running errands, doing chores, paying my bills, etc.  

He'd been out of the house for several years, living with his ex, when they announced they were going to have a baby.  But, she was quite the 'mama's girl', and mama wasn't ready to become a grandmother so she told her daughter to 'get rid of it', and the daughter did despite what my son or myself wanted.  I was so surprised that they even did an abortion at the stage; they baby was already moving.  My son was devastated and tried to make a go of it, but that was too much for him to bear so they broke up.  My grandson would have been nine years old.  


He then moved back into the city and was on his own for several years when there was a fire in his building, and he lost everything.  He asked if he could stay here until he was back on his feet, and I do believe he would have moved out a long time ago, had I not made him feel that I didn't want him to go, and in all honesty, I guess I didn't.   I have become somewhat, no, a lot spoiled having someone ready to run to the store for me every time I got the urge for something, or having someone to do my laundry every week and save me the hours I used to spend in that tortuous laundromat.  The extra money he paid me to live here also helped, especially back during that period when they were garnishing my salary for something that my ex had done. 


I guess what I am trying to say is that I never really pushed him out, preferring to keep things at the status quo. Not making excuses for him, but as the first born,  he was always my ex's favorite, so during his youth,  my ex made some threats against my life and took my son to live with him.  I missed out on those teen-age years, and I guess having him here was my way of making up for that lost time.  I made it too easy for him.

I also realize that all of you are probably wondering why hubby would run off and take his son for a haircut in the midst of all this.  I don't believe I have ever mentioned here that he suffers from schizophrenia. He was a normal child until he hit 18, and then, just like his mom and grandmother, the signs of the illness began to show. I work with mentally ill clients, and I sadly, I have to say his case is one of the worst I have ever seen. Even on medication, his baseline is low, and he will never be able to live a normal life. He has played around with his medication so much so that nothing really seems to work very well for him. He lives in supportive housing, but even they have a hard time getting him to take care of himself. His calling to go for a haircut is actually a big thing because most of the time he lets hygiene go totally, to the point where he actually smells.  I usually try to be more understanding, but yesterday I really needed the help.

Last night after dinner, we all got together and talked.  I laid out my fears and advised what I needed to be done. But, even getting one of my son's friends with a truck would be useless, because where would the garbage go? So, my son and his friend will be making a number of trips during Monday and Tuesday night with the car.  He stated they will break up the love seat if need be.  And that gives me another worry.  The only way they can get rid of this stuff is to go around to the different dumpsters and toss the stuff.  Problem there is, if caught, they could be arrested.  This is just so darned ridiculous, but a problem that will be avoided once I live in a building.  These issues only happen with private homes.  In a building, it becomes a super's worry.  


So, later on Sunday, hubby and son will be  loading up the car with some of the boxes, clothing from the closets, etc. to make some room around here for me to work.  I think that is what I found to be another  overwhelming part of it...having more things to pack, but no place to put them.   I'm just going to be glad when this is all over, and my life goes back to normal. 


Thank you all for being here and lending your support, and I do hope none of you think I've gone off my rocker.  Sometimes just knowing someone is there for you means the difference between a total breakdown or constructive communication.

Overwhelmed and Ranting

Don’t be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the

year as you make use of. One person gets only a week’s value out of

a year while another person gets a full year’s value out of a week.

--Charles Richards--

Just feeling overwhelmed and needing a break.  In retrospect, I've done everything right, but it is all turning out wrong.  My stress level is through the roof, and I am at the point where I don't know what to do next.  I'm frustrated with the assistance I am getting from the family.  Hubby is doing his best, yes, and is in charge of repainting the bedroom furniture, which, by the way, looks like brand new.  He's done the bedside tables, the cabinet, and now only has the long dresser to do.  Oh, but I never counted on the mess, the dust from the sanding.  It covers everything.   

I've also run out of space and boxes, so my hands are tied.  I don't drive and cannot get to the store on my own as it is two buses and a train.  So where does hubby go today?  He goes to take his son for a haircut. We've only got 6 days until the move.  The haircut couldn't wait until next weekend?  Does he really have to say 'how high' every time his son tells him to 'jump'?  (But, that's an altogether different rant, and one day I'll get into it).   He'll be gone the entire afternoon.  So what am I to do?   

After a fabulous start of helping me, my son has slowed down to next to nothing. He had thought we were going to get an extra bedroom for him; we tried, but two bedroom apartments were far over our budget.  He's hurting that he will have to make a go of it on his own.   That I understand,  but I believe that everything happens for a reason.   He is 34 years old, and most men his age are on their own.  It's time for him...and he's not going to be out on the street.  He'll say in our living room until after the holidays, and then he is moving in with a friend....but, he won't have mommy to cook for him and iron his clothes when needed.  

So, the other night I am in his room, and I see that he has done nothing, absolutely nothing about packing his things or tossing and sorting.  I'd asked him a long time ago to help me clean out the cupboards and the cabinet the kitchen and all my school papers in his room, and none of it was touched.  When questioned, he said, "I guess I was pretending that this wasn't happening."  Okay, I feel sad, too, but...

...in the meantime, I had two garbage days left before the move.  Now, there is only one.  And, as he rushed along yesterday trying to catch up on all the things he should have been doing a 'month' ago, he did what I consider a 'half-assed' job. I asked him over and over again if those bags were too heavy, and he insisted they were not.  I was such a fool not to make sure...because when I got up this morning, I found a mess on the sidewalk.  Two of the bags that he had 'insisted' were not too heavy had totally ripped open and items were strewn all over the place.  He had sorted NOTHING, just tossed.  Books, clothes, plastics, you name it, all had been shoved into the bags.  I don't know about other states, but here in New York City, we have to sort things.  Not only did I have to go out there early this morning and clean up and rebag (into four bags this time, not two) but, now I can only hope that a $300 fine doesn't show up in my mailbox.

And where is he when all this is going on you may ask?  He went to a friend's birthday party and spent the night.  It seems that no one but me has these worries on their minds.  Am I wrong?  Am I wrong to look about the house and realize, I just don't have time to do all that still needs to be done?  Am I wrong for wanting to do things the right way...and not leave all my junk in the house for the landlady to take care of?  I've also asked him over and over again to call his brother and his friends to see if someone can get hold of a pickup or a van and help me take things to the dump...if we can find one...but he has done nothing.  Now, he calls and tells me his friend is going to come Monday night with his car to help.  HIS CAR!!!  While I do appreciate the gesture, I would like to know how we are going to fit an oversized love seat, cocktail table, wooden kitchen cabinet, computer stand, books, broken stereo system, shredder that just bit the dust, ironing board, old microwave that I asked him to put out months ago,  and whatever else, into a CAR.  Believe me, if any of the stuff was any good, I'd donate it, but it's not even worth that.  

Needless to say, I sat down this morning an had a good cry.  I feel like I am in this alone right now, and I don't think it is very fair.  I'll soon be 65 years old.  It's just too much for me.

I know, moving is always difficult, stressful, and I am trying to be focused on how this time next week, this will all be like a bad nightmare as I settle into my new home.  But, for now, thanks for letting me have this rant.  I needed it.  

December Lunar Eclipse

The Full Moon for December is tomorrow, December 10th. The traditional Native American names for this Full Moon are the Cold Moon or the Long Night Moon. The tribes usually related the name of the moon to some natural aspect associated with the month. The Cold Moon gets its name because December is the month when Winter takes hold and it really starts to get cold. It was a period of little food and survival. The term Long Night Moon is appropriate name because the nights are at their longest and darkest around and on the Solstice. The full moon name often used by the European settlers is the "Moon before Yule". Yule is an old northern European winter festival that is now associated with Christmas.

The Full Moon in Gemini brings with a a lunar eclipse. An eclipse takes place when the sun, moon and earth are aligned. In a lunar eclipse, the earth passes directly between the sun and moon. This lunar eclipse is said to be a 'total' lunar eclipse so you should see the shadow of the Earth pass over and darken the entire moon. The Earth will be between the sun and the moon so it will cast it's shadow in such a way that we can see it.

Full Moons always require a balancing act between the qualities of the two signs involved. Under a Gemini Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, expect the unexpected. Gemini governs thought, ideas, communication, interaction, education, and short travel. Sagittarius is Gemini's opposite sign and governs generosity, enthusiasm, exploration, honesty, and personal Full growth through experiences or higher education. The Gemini-Sagittarius set of eclipses highlights the polarity between Gemini and Sagittarius and to balance the qualities of each sign--what we believe in (Sagittarius), and how do we navigate in daily lives (Gemini).

At a Lunar Eclipse

Thy shadow, Earth, from Pole to Central Sea, 

Now steals along upon the Moon's meek shine 

In even monochrome and curving line 

Of imperturbable serenity. 

How shall I link such sun-cast symmetry 

With the torn troubled form I know as thine, 

That profile, placid as a brow divine, 

With continents of moil and misery? 

And can immense Mortality but throw 

So small a shade, and Heaven's high human scheme 

Be hemmed within the coasts yon arc implies? 

Is such the stellar gauge of earthly show, 

Nation at war with nation, brains that teem, 

Heroes, and women fairer than the skies?

By Thomas Hardy

Busy, busy time for me.  Yesterday we hung the rods for curtains...and hung what curtains I had.  Because I have no windows here in my present home, I haven't had to buy curtains in years...and the last time I bought them, you got two panels in each package.  I should have realized that things change.  Now, I have to make a trip to the store to buy a few more panels, but we hung what I had...and they look so nice.  Funny, when I was buying the curtains to begin with, many of the packages boasted of being room-darkening.  Well, after 15 years of a dark house, you just know I didn't buy any of them.  

Also found some time last night to fix all my blogs.  Some I had to get rid of templates all together and start fresh, and others I was able to fix.  Seems that Picasa has changed their image loading so that the maximum image, which was what you originally got when you downloaded a background, has basically disappeared.  To change backgrounds back to original size I had to change the URL for the background image, by adding s1600 to each URL.  Some worked.  Some were too far gone so template and all were changed.  I don't know why they have to keep changing things instead of leaving well enough alone. 

I can't believe how short the time is to the move.  So much left to be done. The two families are STILL trying to keep me in the middle of their family feud.    Even with less than a week to go, they they are STILL trying to get me to take sides.  My landlady had called and asked me to let her know when I am going because she will send her son to pick up my keys. She is not moving up here and has plans of just letting the house sit rather than pay all the bills for the guy upstairs.   'Under no circumstances' was the guy upstairs to have them.  Hey, I understand that.  It IS her half of the house, after all.  

Then, last night comes a knock at my door.  It's the guy upstairs asking me to leave the keys with him.  I tell him that I will be leaving them with my landlady's son.  "When you go, I'm going to be alone upstairs, and you know how bad the electricity is here.  I'll have to have the keys to make sure everything is okay."  he says.  I assure him that the electricity will not be a problem because it will be OFF as of the 16th.  Don't think he was too happy with that one.  I could just hear the wheels turning in his head planning all the parties he was going to have here...at my expense, of course.   I just know he wasn't expecting that one.  I left it that if he wanted a copy of the keys, he had to talk to my landlady's son.  I rent from her and have to obey her wishes.  Thank goodness all that nonsense is almost over.  

Of all things, it's a cooking weekend, as well. Almost bowed out of it because of all the things still waiting to be done, but we have to eat...and certainly cannot afford to eat out every night.  

So, here's wishing you all a wonderful weekend.  Hopefully, I'll be able to spend a little time with Mother Moon tonight in quiet retrospection.  This will be my last Full Moon in the yard, so I plan to make it a very special night.

Blogger Nightmare

It seems that my background has shrunk to the little square you see in the center of my blog.  I see that Blogger has no response, but on the help group, someone reported that it was a Picasso issue and offered a suggestion on how to fix it.  Bear with me, dear friends.  I don't want to have to take my background off, and I don't want to be backed into the corner where I have to use a Blogger image, which, by the way, works.  So bear with me.  May be awhile since we are about to go to the new apartment to do some work.

Christmas Past

Today we had planned  to go to the apartment to put the curtain rods up and hang the curtains, but hubby woke up with a backache,  so we decided to put it off. He wanted to go, but how can you climb up and down a ladder with your back out.  Instead, I went for a much needed trim of my hair (I was beginning to look like a wild woman).  It felt good to have someone taking care of me.  

Afterwards, I went to the 99 cent store and made out like a champ.  We don't have a Dollar store in my area; instead, we have stores where mostly everything is 99 cents.  I got an over the door rack, an over the sink cutting board, can opener, garlic press, toilet brush, two scented candles, hooks for my kitchen utensils, paper towel rack, dish rack, sponges, and two accordion style file folders for my genealogy papers...and all for less than $20.


As usually, I became a bit misty eyed as I began sorting through the birth, marriage, and death certificates, wills, deeds, etc.  My mom was so young, only 20, when she said 'I do' at 7:30 pm on on July 20, 1946, and despite the fact that the marriage turned out to be a sham, she stuck with him until the day he died on July 15, 1989.   I always get a little more emotional at this time of the year.  It was lonely growing up as an only child and even lonelier now that everyone from my family of origin has passed over.  There's not a day goes by that I don't miss them, but around holiday time, it digs a little deeper to the heart.  (Sigh)  But, Christmas past is just that...Christmas past.  So, each year, I remember mourn the loss, and then I move on to Christmas present and the loved ones who gather around me.  And I know that I am blessed. 

 "Each Christmas I remember

The ones of long ago;
I see our mantelpiece adorned
With stockings in a row.

Each Christmas finds me dreaming
Of days that used to be,
When we hid presents here and there,
For all the family.

Each Christmas I remember
The fragrance in the air,
Of roasting turkey and mince pies
And cookies everywhere.

Each Christmas finds me longing
For Christmases now past,
And I am back in childhood
As long as memories last."

- Carice Williams-

Holiday Candles

Is there any amongst us who does not like candles? The beauty of the flickering light, the ambiance.  Candles add warmth and personality to your home, encouraging one to spend more time there.  Candles work on many different sensory levels to calm and refresh.  They do not even have to be lit to impart an atmosphere to the room.

December has long been a celebration of light, and for many of us, candle lighting at this time of year is an important tradition be if for Christmas or  Yule.  Lighting a simple candle can be a good way of starting your Winter Solstice celebration.  Hanukkah, the 8 day Festival of Lights, which commemorates the Maccabees military victory over the Greek Syrians and the re-dedication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem also falls at this time. A sacred light was lighted of oil which had been found in the temple.  It was thought that this light would last only for one day,  but miraculously, it lasted for eight.  Henceforth, each year Jewish people decree that each evening, one additional candle is lit on the Hanukkah menorah. By the last evening, eight lighted candles stand together. 

Traditional Yuletide candles form a kaleidoscope of colors and shapes -- red, white, green and gold; scents include pine, spruce, balsam,  ginger, cinnamon, and, of course, bayberry, which has an interesting history indeed.   According to legend, bayberry candles were the first scented candles made in colonial America. In early American, bayberry trees grew in abundance throughout the east. Colonial women discovered that boiling the berries of the bayberry bush resulted in a sweet smelling wax with a clean burn. Legend has it that the group of women who discovered bayberry wax started the colonial tradition of giving bayberry candles as Christmas gifts.

This bayberry candle comes from a friend
so on Christmas eve burn it down to the end.
For a bayberry candle burned to the socket,
will bring joy to the heart and gold to the pocket.

As folklore goes, To bring good luck for a year, they say, you must burn a Bayberry Candle on Christmas Day. And if the flame burns bright, and the light shines clear, then heaven will bless you all the year. Just be sure no one blows it out because an extinguished candle forebodes bad fortune. Even if you're not superstitious, the bay scent adds a wonderfully subtle aroma to the room.