Blizzard of 2010

So, here we are in the midst of a blizzard.  The wind is howling, and the snow is swirling about.  We've had about 5 inches of snow already, and the worst of it is yet to come.  I woke up this morning, and it really looked like nothing, and I seriously debated going to work, but my fear of falling won out.  And all I can say is "thank goodness sanity won out."  I'm not a young chicken anymore so a fall is out of the question  I just stepped out and shot  a few photos....at least I can take pictures of the snow.  My moon shots never come out. 

Lately there has been much talk of spring, the season of hope and of new beginnings....and here we are, right in the midst of a snowstorm.  But, that doesn't mean there is no room for hope.  There is always room for hope, for without hope, there is no life.  So, if you don't mind, along with my photos, I would like to share some quotes.  These were sent to me at Christmas.


"If you can give people the benefit of a doubt, then you still have hope."


"If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end, then you still have hope."  This one was a biggie for me yesterday and last night because I had to accept that a friend moved on, and I had to let go.  Clinging was selfish of me.

(Hubby's car)  Of course, he has already been out there twice cleaning it.


"If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up and end the conversation with the phrase..."yeah...BUT.," then you still have hope."


"If you can see the good in others, then you still have hope."


"If the smile of a child can warm your heart, then you still have hope."

"If you look forward to a time and place of quiet and reflection, then you still have hope."


"If you can look to the past and smile, then you still have hope."

"If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that may have touched your life, then you still have hope."


"If the suffering of others fills you with pain and frustration, then you still have hope."

"Hope is such a wonderful thing,
something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return.  And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.


NEVER LOSE HOPE!!!


Stay warm and dry.  Spring will be here, I promise, for the circle of life continues to turn.

Be My Valentine

Good morning on the day after the infamous extraction. My mouth is very sore today, but no swelling or severe pain.  Thank goodness!!! Looks like a bright and sunny day out there, but looks can be deceiving.  A storm is on its way.  This time we're not going to get off so lucky.  We're already under a warning, and they are forecasting anywhere's from 8 to 15 inches.  I most likely will take a sick day tomorrow.  If it was an 8:30 to 4:30 day I might try it, but it's an 11 to 7 day which means I will be trying to make it home in almost a foot of snow. 

Well, Saturday is Valentine's Day, a day of love and romance, which is celebrated with the giving of candy, flowers, and other gifts, but it actually originated in the 5th century BC in Rome as a tribute to St. Valentine, a Catholic bishop.

Before Valentine's Day was established, the Romans practiced a pagan celebration in mid-February to commemorate the young men's rite of passage to the Roman god,Lupercus. Additionally, during Lupercus, but in honor of the goddess Juno Februata, the names of young women were put into an urn.   The celebration itself featured a lottery in which each young man would draw the name of a maiden from the urn.  Then, the  boys and girls who were matched would be considered partners for the year which, in those days, began in March. In later times, Pope Gelasius, hoping to do away with the pagan festival,  ordered a slight change in this lottery.  Instead of the names of the maidens, the urn would contain the names of saints, and both men and women were allowed to draw from the box...after which they were to emulate the ways of the saint during the coming year.

And, instead of honoring the pagan god Lupercus, the church looked for a suitable saint of love to take his place and found him in Valentine, a saint who had been beheaded by Claudius in 270 AD.  The story goes that the emperor, feeling that married men made poor soldiers, banned marriage in his empire, but Valentine was secretly marrying the young men who came to him.  Eventually, he was caught an imprisoned, falling in love with the blind daughter of his jailer.  It is said that his faith and his love for her healed her of her blindness befor his death. And, before he was taken to his death, he signed a message for her, "From your Valentine."  This phrase has been used ever since.

This year Valentine's Day falls on the day of the New Moon, making it a day to perform powerful rituals and spells.  Utilize this day to:

Heal heartache from a past love.
Restore passion into your life.
Reconnect with a long, lost lover.
Bring a new love into your life.
Bring a new start in your relationship.

Remembering

Good afternoon.  A cold, but sunny day in the city.  Well, the dreaded dental appointment was completed, and the wisdom tooth is gone.  Almost chickened out again...especially when he told me that my new piece is ready for a try on, but not complete.  But, I was pretty proud of myself....and tired of going through all this anxiety, so I told him to tighten my old one and take the tooth out.  I've vacation time coming, and if it didn't stay in, I'd take some time, but it appears to be working. 

I was really taken aback yesterday when I heard the news about that power plant explosion in Connecticut.  Brought up some old childhood memories.  You know, usually when we talk about our childhood memories, 99 % of the time, what we talk about is those great memories...the fun memories like spinning in the rain and not caring what you look like, bike riding, games of hide and seek, tag...your first friend.  I know that these are the first memories that come upfront for me. 

We tend to forget or brush off to the side those memories that we want to forget; but the truth is, not all was fun and games when I was growing up.  Not too long ago I spoke of growing up in the age of the nuclear missle crisis...participating in air raid drills when the whistle would blow and all of us children would form a line and move into the hallway.  There we would sit, backs against the wall, knees up, heads down, arms crossed over our necks....like that would really save us.  I also remember many a night sitting up in bed, watching sky, watching for that dreaded missle to come into view.  What horrors for a child to endure.

But, that's not the memories that resurfaced when I heard that news yesterday.    I know what those families are going through and my heart and my prayers go out to everyone of them.  You see, yesterday's headlines were the headlines from the past for me.  I grew up only a few miles from the Picatinny Arsenal.  The article here speaks of an explosion in a powder plant that happened September 12, 1940.  I hadn't been born yet, but I lost an uncle in that blast...an uncle I would never get to meet.  The following plaque lists the names of all who died in that blast.

My dad, my grandfather, and my aunt all worked at Picatinny Arsenal as well as the families of most of my classmates.  It was the only place to work back then...aside from the mines which were also a dangerous place to work.  But those headlines yesterday brought back those memories of sitting in a classroom, and suddenly, the loud explosion.  We never knew if our families were a part of it or not.  I remember one time my aunt had a close call, when one of her co-workers had their fingers blown off.   But they went back, day after day, those brave men and women. 

When I turned 18, I went for an interview there...and I was hired.  The 'hazardous pay' was fantastic, but not enough to tempt me.  I had a lot of living to do.  I'd seen and heard too much of what went on there.  I know today there are probably many more safety measures taken, but we're talking 40 odd years ago.  So, I worked in a few other factories for minimal wage until I realized that I wanted more from my life.  Hence, I moved to New York City. 

So today I ask that we all say a prayer and light a candle for all those who perished or were injured in yesterday's blast.  I've lived through it.

On a Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Good afternoon.  It's a cold one out there today, but I don't have to go out.  I am just staying in and stuffing my face.  Tomorrow morning I will finally have that wisdom tooth removed...and none to soon.  I always found ways to talk the dentist out of it before, but that's because it wasn't hurting, but now I feel that telltale soreness developing so it's best to get it out before it becomes that non-ending throbbing pain.  My only fear is, what if that precision peice doesn't fit.  Without this tooth, the partial I have now won't work.  I can't afford to take too much time off work. 

I'd also like to thank everyone for their comments yesterday.  Lyon, you brought up a good point...that I have been doing this for years so I must have a have found a way of coping.  You're right.  I did have...up until 7 1/2 months ago....smoking.  Not that smoking was my coping mechanism, it was leaving the office and going outdoors every so often for that walk around the block, getting away from it all.  Those little breaks were my way of re-charging during the day.  And it is not cigarette cravings that are making me feel this way.  I'm long past that.  I belong to a smoking cessation group which teaches you how to retrain your mind to becoming a non-smoker and not an ex-smoker.  The difference between the two is that non-smokers no longer get the urge; they learn to handle life on life's terms without even thinking of having a cigarette.  in fact, I cannot even believe that I ever smoked.  On the other hand, an ex-smoker is that person who quits, but that urge is always there...be  it  for one month or one year.  No matter how long they stay quit, they are always in danger of relapse because they are 'still' always thinking of that cigarette.

Last night I had was conversing with a member of the empath support group, and as we were discussing things, it hit me that my emotional stability has gone out of control since I stopped taking those little breaks, since I began remaining held up in my office all day.  Ironically, the truth is, I have actually taken more time off work to regroup than I ever did when I smoked.  So I guess instead of saying I have no need to go out anymore, I'd better start taking those much need regrouping breaks.

Mon, I thank you for sharing, and it was wonderful to hear from an empath.  I am still trying to find my way and love reading your input.  I always knew there was something, but could never put my finger on it.  Hubby used to get a kick out of the fact that every time I would try to sit on my front porch, I would have a steady parade of neighors sharing what was going on in ther lives.  It got so bad that I had to stop sitting out there.  My nerves were becoming very frazzled, and I would end up taking things out on my family.

Steve, you are right.  It is not selfish to take care of me.  For too long, I've taken care of everyone else.  I often wonder nowadays if I didn't choose the wrong career, but then there is that other part of me that couldn't see me doing anything else with my life.  You are right, Debra.  Jung has always been one of my favorites..could not stand reading Freud...and what he says is basically the same thing.  Aunt Amelia, it sounds like you are pretty sensitive. 

Before posting I wondered what effect this topic would have, and I see that many of you are interested, so I will post more as I learn more.  And as for me, since I can't quit my job and start a new career for myself, I have to learn how to accept that these feelings aren't my own. I've got to develop positive ways to handle all this extra energy so that all of these very needly clients and angry, competitive, gossipy co-workers stop sending me into such a tailspin.   

Empaths

Good afternoon.  I had wanted to take some pictures of the snowstorm, but we actually didn't get much snow at all here.  In some parts of the city, it didn't even snow at all.  I don't know whether to feel happy or sad.  There's nothing like being all cozy in your home with your family and plenty of food while the wind howls and the snow blows, but the conditions that follow can be downright treacherous. 

I'm wondering.  Anybody here an empath or know something about empaths?  The reason I am asking is because I really never paid much attention.  I actually didn't even know what am empath was until yesterday.  You all know that I had been going through some stuff, but my rant I had left some things out.  I was actually going through a rougher time than I had let on.  As a matter of fact, there have been times lately that I felt as if I was about to jump out of my skin, and, frankly, I was downright scared.  Thought maybe I was headed toward some type of breakdown.  But the odd thing about it was how these feelings and moods would come and go.

So, when I was about to leave work yesterday, my co-worker called me into her office and told me she was really feeling for me.  (I am blessed to have a couple co-workers who believe and pratice the mystical side of life).  I thought she meant all the work that had piled on me, but then she continued,  "You're an empath, and I don't know how you've gone this  far without your breaking down like this."  Then, she went on to explain that we are all born as an empath, but most people completely shut down their skills or learn to ignore feelings they are picking up from other people.  An empath is one who picks up on the feelings and emotions of those around them.  Then, she explained that there are others, like me, who are called "Impaired empaths".  These are those empaths who, although they have shown the basic skills, can easily become overwhelmed.  There is also the functional empath who is able to control the flow of information so that it does not become overwhelming.  Then, she referred me to an online group which I joined. 

There are series of questions which will tell one whether or not they are an empath.

For example, "Do you feel anxious or nervous in a crowd?  Does your energy seem to change?  Do you feel anxious or wired?"  Let me tell you, I've been like that for years.  All I have to do is walk into a store with a lot of shoppers and I begin to feel so wired that I can't wait to get out of there.  I become so anxious that I begin to cry.  Many a time I have walked out of our neighborhood Shoprite with tears rolling down my cheeks.  This is why I prefer our little uncrowded Met Food.

Does your mood seem to vary at random for no reason?  (angry, sad, scared)  All the time...since I was a teen-ager.  I can be feeling really good, and then suddenly, for no reason, have a drop in my emotions.  I also take on my clients feelings in group and individual sessions and find myself crying right along with them.

Do you have a hard time falling asleep before midnight or do you procrastinate about going to bed?  I can climb into bed at 10 pm and not fall asleep until 1 pm, and this occurs night after night for as long as I can remember.

Do people find it easy to confide in you?  Perfect strangers come up to me and tell me personal things about their lives.  Never quite understood why.  I actually used to joke about being a magnet.

Do you have physical symptoms that relate to your hearing?  (popping, itching, ringing, or other symptoms in your ear canal)  My ears are always popping and have recently started itching for no reason.

Are you a good listener?  Do people seem to intuitively know that you will understand them, empathize with them, and offer them moral and emotional support?  I hear this all the time from my clients  It is now at the point that word has gotten around that "I am good" and clients will request me.  The receptionist told me that some guy came in to schedule and intake...and his friend, who was a client told him, "Ask for Mary.  Tell them you don't want anyone else."

Do you feel emotionally uncomfortable or anxious when having sex...or do you have no sex drive?
That's me.  Never really understood why.

There were many other questions, too...like intuitively being able to tell whether and individual will be friend or foe.  Back in the day when I worked evenings for an answering service, we were a group of ladies who had a great time.  Sure, we would read, knit, have a beer or two, but we did our work.  Then they hired someone who was sweet as molasses.  "Oh, I'll go to the store for you.  I'll do your filing."  That kind of stuff.  All of my co-workers loved her, but I was the odd man out.  I didn't like her and didn't trust...and warned them...but no one would listen.  Turns out she couldn't do the job and was really messing up so the boss had to fire her.  But do you know before this gal left, she told the boss all the stuff we did at night? 

Another question was about television shows, commercials and are some of them hard for me to watch.  Definitely.   But, that goes without saying.  I'm sure most of us feel emotions with sad movies and such.  The difference is, empaths pick up feelings and emotions like a sponge and tend to do so because they are ungrounded.  Here are a few other things to take note of.  You might be an empath if:

You can't bear loud noises; they go right through you.  That's me.  Others just don't understand why I am always asking them to turn the music down.  At work sometimes, I will hear someone's car radio or the rumbling of a truck's motor, and I have to cover my ears.

You hate parties/nightclubs/crowds.  Definitely.  I really feel uncomfortable and usually find some corner to hide in and count the minutes until I can get out of there.

You take on the guilt of others and their actions.  That's me to a tee.  When one of my co-workers does something inappropriate, I often feel as if I had done the dastardly deed.

You are always sensitive to how others may feel.  Yes.   Just look at how many times I apologize for a rant.  LOL!!!

Can't say no to others.  That was me for so many years.  Still is to some degree.

Put on a brave face, but feel tortured by their feelings.  Definitely, to the point of suffering tension headaches, fatigue, and general malaise.

So, I took the 6 page test and got very high scores.  Still learning.  Still no sure.  That's why I'm reaching out for answers.  Would love to hear from others.

Another Day, A Better Day

Good morning on the day before the storm hits.    Doesn't look  like we'll be getting much...Well, I shouldn't say that.  We might be getting anywhere from 3-6 inches, and you know how it is, always have to add an inch or so more...but when you compare that to what parts of New Jersey will be getting...it isn't much.  Gonna leave work early today to get my food shopping done.  There is something so comforting about being in your home during a snowstorm and knowing you have enough food to eat.  

I was really out of it yesterday, and ranted a little more than I was prepared to.  Sorry.  It's just that right now I have been feeling burnt out...and this sinus issue doesn't help.  It just keeps coming and going.  Yesterday was one of those days that the old nose ran like a faucet, and my were red and burning.  The heat always seems to get me in the winter. Well, after today I have a four day weekend.  Finally gonna have that wisdom tooth removed on Monday, then will take Tuesday to recuperate..and try to catch up on some much needed rest.  I'd like to thank all of you for listening to my rant yesterday and for your comforting comments.  I've much to feel blessed about at this time.  Hubby could have been out of work for months.  We could have lost our apartment.  But, the goddess watched over us and heard our prayers.

This morning I received the following quote in my email.  It is an old Chinese proverb.  "The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."   Wow!!!  Powerful, indeed.   That one line sure does say a lot...and I am sure that many of us can identify with it.  Made me do some thinking this morning...about where I have been, what I have...how I got where I am...and I realize that almost my entire life has been one trial after another...yet here I am...stronger than I once thought I would ever be.  I may complain and rant on occasion, but I am a survivor.  I get over it.  We all have our bad moods once in awhile; we all get up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes.  And we all have days when the our lives and the world around us feels overwhelming, but that is a part of life.  Without darkness there would be no light  and without light, there would be no darkness; that is the miracle of balance.  It is the same with us humans--without pain, there would be no growth...and if there were no growth, there would be no pain. 

Good News and a Little Rant

Good afternoon.  It's another cold day here in the city....but the sun is shining so brightly...at least for now it is.  We're watching for a weekend snowstorm.  Hopefully it veers away from here.  It's a cooking weekend for me so I need to get my food shopping done...and if there is to be a snowstorm Saturday, I will have to get my shopping done tomorrow after work...not something I enjoy doing on a Friday after a long week of work.  

Good news, everyone.  Hubby has a job.  Can you believe it?  The first interview he went for, he got hired and is scheduled to start in two weeks.  This gives him time to check out a couple more interviews he has.  It's amazing, because jobs are scarce here in the city...even in our field.  Many programs closed because of budget cutbacks, and all those people are out there looking for work.  

Meanwhile, I'm not sure if I will be able to keep up with all my blogs during the next few days.  I am just so overwhelmed...and I don't like feeling this way. I am not usually a grumpy person and I am feeling that way.  I just hate to sound ungrateful, and believe me, I'm grateful that my hubby will be working, but I am also burned out and disgusted with my own job.  I will be 63 next month so looking elsewhere is simply out of the question...and social security will simply not pay enough to survive, so what do you do? 

  My supervisor made a mistake and overbooked me with intakes for the past two weeks.  I have had 7 in all.  That all adds up to 7 hours of asking questions and since each intake packet processed takes about 3 hours each, it's 21 hours of paperwork.  I only work 35 hours a week, so that's almost an entire week just on my newcomers.  Now add 4 hours for running group, 25 half hour individual sessions, treatment plans, group notes, staff meetings, supervision, monthly reports, progress notes...and where does one find the time?  Ah, maybe I am just getting too old.  Sorry for complaining on what should be such a happy time, just had to get it off my chest.